Where do I start?

I suppose the beginning, or more accurately the end of my last blog would be a good place! There have been a few goings on and they haven’t been all of my choosing. It did turn out that Auntie Fran had had a very nasty fall. Fortunately I saw her recently and she is on the mend now but it was a really nasty break in her arm and she was very bruised. So, whilst I was worrying about Auntie Fran … and wondering just how old Uncle Don really is … they were plotting again! Apparently, he was speaking at a conference in Monaco and they had decided to drive there because he couldn’t get a flight, so Daddy Richard had decided to go with him if they drove because he had never been there before. Allegedly, it was on my behalf but I think it was more for them than for me, they had decided that I might not want to go to my executive suite at my country retreat, and they had decided to get a house sitter in instead. Apparently humans have this thing called ‘Trusted House Sitters’ who are people who have been fully vetted and go and live in their houses and look after their pets whilst they are away. So, they advertised the dates online (which was only a week away) and several humans said they would do it. Well, what would you expect? They are getting to look after the handsomest dog in dogdom! Although there were several humans that seemed keen, they only spoke to one couple who blew them away with their experience and knowledge.

They were a really nice couple from Germany (I had to look that up and it’s a very long way away!) and offered to look after the house and me for the week that they would be away. They were called Ramona and Peter and they were really nice! They came all the way from a place in Germany that is near another place called Munich. On the Friday before him and Daddy Richard left, they came for dinner (which he ruined, but what more would you expect!) and met me. We all went for a walk and I dragged Peter half way round the village, just because I could! I really liked them and they seemed to like me so all was set. On the Saturday morning Peter and Ramona arrived and the three of us went out for a walk. When we got back him and Daddy Richard had left. I’m not sure how I feel about that, they didn’t say goodbye but then I knew I was going to have a good time with Peter and Ramona! Actually, I had an amazing time!!! They were really lovely and they took me to loads of places I haven’t been before – and one or two that I had. The first trip out was to Nymans Gardens near Handcross. I liked their car thingy better than his and we had a really nice trip to the gardens. It wasn’t just there though, they took me on luvely walks and were really nice to me. Unlike him they didn’t moan constantly, not even when I tried to rip their bed sheets up. They just quietly looked after me and we all got along just fine. They always spoke English to me too, which is good because my German is not so good! I did look up a few German words on Fidopedia but I’m not sure I quite got the spelling right because several of them seemed very rude to me. I was trying to find the word for exit but I got ‘Ausfahrt’ which I am fairly sure was wrong because I think that has something to do with bottom burps!

We went on luvely walks where the bluebells were looking absolutely fabulous. (That would be a good name for a TV series but humans would never think of that!). We went through the churchyard and up past the pigs, we went to hilly fields where I very kindly showed Peter where the stagnant pond is by jumping straight in and we went on walks that I’ve never been on before. They did sometimes speak German to each other but that’s OK, you can’t expect them to speak ‘foreign’ all the time. I’ve had a little look at Germany on the Interweb. It’s quite a big country and Munich is pretty near the bottom, not very far from Italy or from Switzerland or from Austria. Not that I know very much about Italy or Switzerland or Austria because I didn’t have time to look them up too! Apparently Germany is known for its efficiency and the English (which apparently him and Daddy Richard are) love German car thingys. Actually, it turns out that his car is a German car thingy. It is an Audi and it is 100% electric so one might say ‘Vorsprung durch technic’ which I happen to know roughly translates as ‘advancement through technology’! Apparently their drive through France and down to Monaco and back was really good but enough of that, what about me? Ah yes, I was explaining how I had had such a lovely time with Ramona and Peter. So we went on walks that lasted for ages! I really enjoyed that and I was completely cream crackered by the time we got home. I slept loads and I had some luvely dreams about chasing rabbits and catching squirrels and all sorts of things. I’m not sure if I missed them but I can’t remember thinking too much about them whilst they were gone. When they eventually came home after a week away I certainly wasn’t going to show them that I had missed them.

I gave them the proper cold shoulder! How dare they naff off and have a good time without me? I know I had a wonderful time with Ramona and Peter but just how very dare they? They never even asked me, or even mentioned it. They just went. Anyway, I don’t really care because I got to go places where they’ve never taken me. I went to Hever Castle which was brilliant! Apparently Henry VIII went there and he was a proper King. I think that was quite a long time ago though because it is very old. I wonder whether Uncle Don remembers him? Anyway, it was where Anne Boleyn lived and she was Henry VIII’s second wife. Sadly the marriage didn’t last though – I think it might have had something to do with her beheading that affected the marriage. Henry VIII went on to have four more wives, so he was clearly very good at getting married, just not so good at staying married! Anyway, enough of all this history. Fidopedia has quite a bit of stuff on Henry VIII so he must have been quite an important King. So, as I said, they eventually returned from their jaunt without me. Even he tried to be nice to me but I was having none of it. I had to say goodbye to Ramona and Peter which was sad, but I’m hoping that one day I might see them again. I really did like them. By Sunday morning I had forgotten I was giving them the cold shoulder, so I was OK with them again. I had my breakfast and then we went on a luvely walk. I did some serious sniffing (well they weren’t going to stop me on that morning, were they?!) and had a good old run about off lead too. When we got home I was quite cream crackered so I decided to forget about the cold shoulder for the time being and I curled up and went to sleep on his feet. I quite like using his feet as a pillow, but don’t let him know!

Now, my trusted fans will know that I am not one to complain but … they went to see my friend Charlie without telling me! I’ve known Charlie since we were both about one year old. When they had their house in France I used to go and play with Charlie. It was great fun! We would run around the garden and chase each other and run through the house causing absolute chaos! I haven’t actually seen Charlie for about three years now, so I was really quite angry with them for going to see him without me. I have had a jolly good bark at them and made it quite clear that visiting Charlie without me is simply not acceptable behaviour! Charlie is my oldest friend – well he’s not old but he’s the friend I’ve have for the longest time. I’ve got other friends too and I’ve seen them more recently than I’ve seen Charlie. I see Eric quite a bit. Sometimes I try and steal his ball but I think he’s got a bit used to it now and avoids me getting it. There’s also Barney and Otto and Yogi and another Monty (obviously not as good looking as me!) and Buster and Ozzie and loads of others but none are quite like Charlie. Hopefully I will get to see him again soon!

Since they got back they’ve been quite keen to please me. I mean, it’s not that I’m spoilt or anything, it’s just that being the handsomest dog in dogdom and the most important dog in their world, I need a bit of attention. We’ve been on some luvely walks and I’ve found some new ways of really irritating them. By way of example, I am never allowed off lead on Green Lane until we have passed the stream. That’s because the stream is really dirty and smelly and when I go for a little dip they seem to find it rather unpleasant. I’m not sure if they’ve forgotten that or what but I was allowed off lead the other day and I got to go for a luvely dip in the stream. When I got out they seemed to be particularly sniffy about it. I was expecting that I was going to get a right telling off but instead they laughed at me. I’m not sure which is worse! Being laughed at was not exactly what I was expecting, not to mention the hosing down I got when I got home. There was no warm water, no gentle washing down, just a hosing down with the hose he uses in the greenhouse! Honestly, sometimes they just don’t seem to appreciate the respect I deserve!

He bought me a new toy which was nice. It’s kind of designed to replace a ball. They throw it like a ball and then I run after it and grab it. For some reason that is completely unexplainable, I seem to be expected to catch it and then bring it back. Why would I do that? If I do, all they do is throw it again! I find a much more acceptable activity is to catch it and then lie down and chew it for a while. Sometimes I really do wonder about their minds! I mean, I’ve always had my doubts about him but even Daddy Richard doesn’t quite seem to have got the plot! Why on earth would I run after the toy more than once?! They throw it, I run and catch it and then I lie down. That seems a perfectly acceptable way of playing with my toys. Anyway, it’s my toy and I’ll play with it the way I want to! Since they’ve been back they’ve tried to be uber nice to me, but I’m not sure that I trust them. They might just disappear again without consulting me. I’ve been a bit unsettled to be honest. I’ve always had a bit of a thing about people in High Viz gear – it upsets me, so I growl at them. Recently I’ve found runners and cyclists a bit irritating so I’ve been growling at them too. I don’t call them cyclists, they are Mamils – Middle Aged Men in Lycra! But since they’ve been back I’ve found quite a lot of people a bit irritating and I’ve growled at them too. That said, I’ve felt a bit better in recent days. We went out in the car thingy last weekend and I didn’t find anyone irritating. When we got back I discovered that I didn’t find hardly anyone irritating anymore … although I do still take exception to the Posty but that’s always been the case!

Last weekend, after our trip out, he decided to spend a bit of time in the greenhouse. I’m not sure why he bothers, the stuff he grows tastes absolutely disgusting and he makes it even worse by doing that ‘cooking’ thing that he does which ruins raw food even more! He’s got tomatoes on the go (yuk!) and chillies (bigger yuk!) and things like beans (yuk, yuk!) and courgettes (who would ever eat those?) and marrows (bigger versions of a revolting courgette). He’s even got garlic growing and that’s poisonous to me! (I know it’s out of my reach but why does he need to grow it at all?!) I did give him a bit of assistance in the greenhouse, he was doing some potting on, I was more just potting! I found the whole thing a bit tiring, so I may have nodded off and pushed out a few 💤s. Not that he noticed, he was too busy taking out side shoots and putting plants in bigger pots! I have now redesigned quite a few of his pots by adding a few additional holes in the sides. He doesn’t appreciate my efforts but then he never does! Actually, talking of redesigning things, I have discovered that I can improve on the design of their wooden planters. If you chew the top of them, they take on an attractive irregular shape. Very satisfying. The luvely thing about this good weather is that there is so much more you can do! In fact, I have just had a great idea how I can cause more carnage in his greenhouse. I can chew all of his stakes he uses to support his plants. What a great idea, I’m off to do it right now so, for now, must paws … 🐾