It’s not my fault …

It really isn’t my fault that I haven’t put paw to keyboard for quite a while. It is him, he has banned me from using the kompooter thingy as punishment for a minor incident with some meatballs. It isn’t my fault! He had made some meatballs to have spaghetti and meatballs one evening. They were quite nice actually, beef mince, breadcrumbs, parsley, parmesan, chilli and garlic (if you want the recipe, it is here). Anyway, the way he cooks them is to cook the meatballs and then, in the same pan, make the sauce. In order to save time, he had cooked the meatballs a little in advance and put them in a bowl in the centre of the butcher’s block which I can’t reach. It wasn’t my fault that he went into the lounge for a few minutes before he was going to make the sauce! Anyway, I spotted that the bowl was actually on a tea towell on the butcher’s block and I worked out that if I pulled the tea towell towards me, it would move the bowl too. The trouble was, I couldn’t quite reach the bottom of the bowl. I made the minor mistake of barking which caused Daddy Richard to come out to the kitchen to see what I was barking at. He couldn’t see anything but he called back to him and said “are you sure that 4 meatballs between two is enough?”. He called back and said “don’t be silly there are ten meatballs … 5 each”. That was my undoing … Daddy Richard realised that I wasn’t just licking my lips for fun and that he now knew where the other six meatballs had gone! Boy was I in twubble!!!

So, what has been happening since I was last allowed to use the kompooter? Ah yes, well the first thing I should mention is that they went off an left me! Just after my last Glog, they bundled me in the car thingy and took me to a kennels. That is just not right!! Ok, so he had to go to a place called Covilhã which is in a country called Portugal (no, I have no idea and couldn’t be bothered to Doogle it!) at very short notice. Allegedly, he was asked on the Friday if he could be in Covilhã at 09:00 on the Monday morning and, allegedly, that didn’t afford enough time to get a house sitter. So that was that. Daddy Richard went with him and I was dumped in a kennels. OK, so it isn’t that kennels are terrible, but I don’t find them particularly comfortable. They dropped me off on the Sunday morning because, allegedly, they had to fly to Portugal that afternoon because Covilhã is on top of a mountain, three hours drive from either Porto or Lisbon. Then, allegedly, they couldn’t get a flight back late on Monday (his meeting didn’t finish until 7pm, so it would have been really late), so they flew back on Tuesday morning. So they picked me up in the early afternoon on the Tuesday. Frankly, I couldn’t wait to get home! Normally, I am not that keen on the car thingy but I flew out of the door and straight into the back. Frankly, if I could have driven home I would have done!!!

Honestly, the things I have to put up with! The next thing that happened was that I was sent for a bath. Now, don’t misunderstand me, I love seeing my friend Denise and I really quite enjoy being there because I get to play with balls, which I am never allowed at home. Allegedly it is something to do with me becoming over possessive but I don’t know what they mean! Anyway, I did got along and I got a bath but I did get to play with balls pretty much the whole time I was there. Actually, apart from the bath bit, I quite enjoy my visits to Denise. She understands me and she understands what makes me tick. It isn’t that they don’t try to make me happy, but they’re just not very good at it! Anyway, bath done, I was clean (apparently) and smelled nice (apparently) so they were happy and I had a good time playing with balls at Denise’s. I have noticed that I have become a bit of a regular with Denise. About every two months I seem to end up there. Usually I quite enjoy myself but I don’t want them to know that! When we get to the door I pretend I don’t want to go in and I pull in the other direction but the minute I am inside and the door is shut, I grab a ball and the fun really starts!! So, cleaned and bathed there was only one thing for it, the dirty stream in Green Lane!!! The weather really hasn’t been great for the first part of this year. It has been cold, wet and windy but I couldn’t resist. Usually they make sure we have passed the stream before they let me off lead. They did the same with me after my bath but they failed to understand me. I usually never go backwards and I almost always run past them to be ahead – the salient point here is ‘almost’! On this occasion, having been treated so badly what with the kennels and the flamin’ bath, I decided to run backwards. I ran backwards and straight into the muddy stream!! Now who says I smell better!!! That’ll teach them!!

Recently we’ve been going up to Happy Valley a bit. I quite like it there because I can have a jolly good run around off lead and there aren’t that many people there. Well, actually I think there are quite a lot of people there but there is enough space that I can have a jolly good run around without having to bump into them. There is the odd dog with a ball but, believe it or not, they tend to take a ball up there for me to play with so others don’t really bother me. What I have discovered is that one circuit of the top field is enough for me. Anymore and I am completely cream crackered! I always knew that with my hips long periods of exercise don’t really suit me but running around that field chasing a ball is just cream crackering!! Anyway, with the weather as it has been, it is sometimes a bit cold and damp up there too. Not that I usually mind the cold but the damp gets right under your fur and is ‘orrible. Helpful as ever, he made some comment about not rolling around in the wet grass, but what does he know? You have to do that, it’s the law!!!

It’s that time of year again too. He has started growing things in the greenhouse again. This has two outcomes as far as I am concerned. Firstly, nothing, and I mean nothing, that he grows is remotely edible and certainly not tasty. Secondly, I seem to get into twubble all the time in there. It doesn’t matter if I am helping by making additional drainage holes in the side of his plant pots or I am helpfully moving things around, or even if I am helping to knock the nasty little plants out of their pots, I seem to always be in twubble! This year, he decided to grow ‘heritage’ tomatoes. He bought the seeds and decided to grow eight different varieties. Apparently, they are difficult to get to germinate. It seems not. Every single seed he sowed germinated. This resulted in him having 200 plants! He gave some away, gave some to the Gardeners’ Club and then, ultimately, he put the remaining 40 plants outside the front gate. They were gone within about an hour! So, he now has eight different varieties growing in the greenhouse and all appear to be doing well. He has some 60 chilli plants and in the garden he has potatoes, French beans, dwarf peas, beetroot, shallots, radishes, Swiss chard and runner beans. Not one tasty item among them!!!!

At the beginning of May they went away yet again. This time they did have the decency to get a house sitter, or more accurately two house sitters. It was two sisters from Australia called Keelie and Brittany and they came from Western Australia. I have looked Australia up on the Interweb and it is huge!!!! I mean it’s properly huge! I live in Surrey which is 641 square miles and I haven’t even explored all of that. Australia is 4,630 times bigger than Surrey at 2.968 million square miles! That would take ages to explore!! Anyway, they went off with Grandad and Nana to a place called Pollensa which is on an island called Mallorca which is in a country called Spain. All this geography is doing my brain in!! Anyway, they went and stayed in an apartment that is owned by their friends Nikki and Jaimie and they claim that is their first holiday in about six years. Yeah, right!!! I mean, I know he claims that he is working when they go off to all these other places but really? Do I look that gullible? Working! Honestly, is that the best they can come up with! Mind you, they came up with a real blinder on this one. Firstly, he claimed that despite being on holiday he had to work one afternoon, but even more incredibly, they came out with some totally unbelievable story that they used to live and work there! They covered it by saying that it was thirty years ago – which is somewhat before my time! Anyway, it appears they all had a good time, not that I care! More importantly I had a good time, so that was OK. I don’t mind it when they go away as long as I can stay at home and there will be someone there for company. Obviously I am happier when we are all at home but, frankly, a short break with them out of the way is often a much welcome interlude as long as the people looking after me are nice.

They came home … eventually and life began to return to normal. That said, apparently the journey home was a little fraught. They had booked special assistance for Grandad but Nana had twister her knee getting off the plane when they arrived in Mallorca, so she needed it too. He apparently went and spoke to the lady on the special assistance desk who assured him that she had now arranged for special assistance for the two of them. Of course, when they turned up to take Grandad they didn’t know about Nana! Then, having overcome that hurdle they passed through security and then had to wait for the new special assistance on air side to take them to the gate. Grandad decided he needed the loo again (the third time since leaving Pollensa) so Daddy Richard took him off to the loo in a wheelchair. The special assistance buggy turned up and he wasn’t there!! They wouldn’t wait and so disappeared. The man organising the buggies was not impressed and had a go at him because Grandad wasn’t there. Eventually another buggy turned up and they were taken to the gate. When they all got to the gate they discovered that there was a two hour delay. Eventually, there was a gate change and they came to collect Grandad and Nana but, sadly, he was in the loo again, so they went off! Daddy Richard and him relocated them to the correct gate. He made a point of explaining that they had done an aircraft change so that the plane was already there. When they turned up to take Grandad and Nana to the aircraft Grandad was in the loo again!!! They took Nana to the front of the queue and then he had to bring all the bags. As he passed the queue waiting to board people were complaining that he was jumping the queue, he was not happy! The dispatcher on the gate was, by now, having a right go at him. By the time Grandad appeared at the gate there was some competition as to whether the dispatcher or him was going to burst a blood vessel first!! They got taken out to the aircraft, at which point the entire aircraft was standing waiting for them to get on. He noticed the slot time and knew they were going to miss it! In the end, they were delayed by another hour before they could get a new slot time. When they finally arrived back into Gatwick Grandad said “I wonder what caused that extra hour’s delay?” To which, in unison they said “You did!!”

Back to Happy Valley where the grass had grown quite long, I had a jolly good run around and then I hid in the long grass. I was convinced that nobody would find me in there but they did! I’m pretty sure it was my golden coat that gave me away against the green grass. Next time I’m going to have to roll about in some mud or something to disguise me! I’m sure that will get me into twubble, but then most things do! I pinched his shoe the other day and popped into the garden with it. I mean, I didn’t chew it or anything, I just dragged it around a bit. Ok, so it was a little dirty when he found it in the garden but that was hardly my fault was it?! Gardens are full of mud, so what did he expect? I got into twubble for that too! Mind you, getting into twubble seems to be what I do most of the time. He is working from home most of the time nowadays. I have found a new game which really seems to irritate him, so I am obviously working on perfecting it. Usually when he is working, I lay in front of the door where the floor is cool and I can keep an eye out for any unexpected food opportunities. One day, quite some weeks ago now, I popped into his study and he put his arm out and stroked me. I did a rather smelly bottom burp and then turned and walked out. That seemed to do the trick, so I’ve been doing that a lot more recently. I pop in, look all innocent, then do a bottom burp and walk out. Honestly, sometimes the langauge he uses is far more foul than any bottom burp I can produce!!

Actually, I find all this thinking of new ways to wind them up quite exhausting. I discovered recently that I can kind of ruck the rug up in the lounge and then, once I’ve done that to perfection I can use the fold as a pillow. All very comfortable! I do love inspecting the inside of my eyelids … almost as much as Daddy Richard does! I’ve also been playing a bit more with my friend Albie recently. He’s only a puppy so he’s quite excitable and it’s quite hard to keep up with him. He’s a Maltipoo – a Maltese Poodle cross. He’s flamin’ quick when he runs around and he can bounce too! Flamin’ heck he’s like Tigger on steroids!!! As the wonderful Tigger says “Bouncing is what Tiggers do best.” He’s good fun though and it is definitely keeping me fit. I did get a bit cross with him recently when he pinched my pig’s ear. As ever I got the usual support from him who said, “Well you should have eaten it if you didn’t want it to get pinched!” Typical, where’s the flamin’ loyalty? Where’s the support? Honestly, the things I do for him!!

So, it has been quite a busy few months. Apart from having all my kompooter privellages withdrawn, I am not sure that I would have found much time. I’ve had to spend a lot of time think up new games and devising ways to really irritate him. And when I haven’t been working on new games, I’ve had to keep up the practice on existing games. The weather has finally warmed up a bit so I’ve not had the opportunity to play the in/out game because Daddy Richard opens the patio door and leaves it open. I have managed to get a few stones into the house but as soon as he spots them, they’re gone! I do still manage to stare him out in the evenings until he gives me ice. I’ve found about ten times is the limit before he says something very rude and I know I’m not going to get any more ice. They have stopped walking me on a harness because, apparently, I pull too much. If I am walking on a collar then I tend not to pull quite so much (allegedly!). Mind you, the other week we went down to Auntie Zena and Uncle Simon’s house (they’re Albie’s parents), I nearly had Daddy Richard’s arm off pulling to get to her front door!! It was quite funny actually. Auntie Zena said that she had cleared the garden of all balls. Hmm, I think not! It took me about 10 minutes to find 12 balls in the garden!! Every time I found one she said “There can’t be anymore, I was sure I had them all” Nope, I just kept on finding them. Mind you, she didn’t let me have them, she just took them away and put them out of reach. Nowadays whenever I get to the corner of Salisbury Road I try to pull and carry on down the High Street to Auntie Zena but they won’t flamin’ let me!

Last week they claimed he was working again. They went off to a place called Marrakech in a Country called Morocco which apparently is on a continent called Africa. I did try and Doogle it, but it was all getting a bit much and my brain started to hurt! They claimed that he was speaking at a conference. Why would anyone, particularly from a different continent, want to listen to the drivel he comes out with? It is completely beyond me! Anyway, I had some house sitters to come and look after me. Their names were Sheron and Murilo and they came from a country called Brazil which is even further away than flamin’ Africa. They were luvely! I had some fantastic walks with them. It was quite hot here last week so we were walking later in the evening and earlier in the morning to avoid the hot days. During the day it was 27 degrees quite frequently. That was flamin’ hot so I just lay around and snoozed most of the time. Mind you, I laughed my flamin’ paws off when they came home and I found out that it had been 40 degrees in Marrakech!!! Now that is hot. It turns out that Sheron and Murilo are big fans of Masterchef in Brazil. I had a quick look on the Interweb and discovered that there are 40 different versions of Masterchef and it is shown in some 200 different territories! Sheron and Murilo were telling them about different Brazilian dishes that they have and how they are quite different from European or Asian food. I have a feeling that we’ll be getting some Feijoada (a Brazilian stew made from black beans and pork) sometime soon! Personally I am rather hoping they make a traditional Feijoada. Traditional feijoada is made with pig’s ear, feet, and snout along with Brazilian sausage – I reckon I’ll get some pretty good pickings out of that lot!!! It’s a bit worrying that he has been doing a bit of Googling (the inferior human equivalent of Doogle) for Brazilian dishes. I reckon there’s some Brazilian food on the horizon but a lot of it is very sweet which won’t really suit my taste!

They eventually tip toed back through the door just before midnight on Friday night. I mean, frankly, what time of night did they call that? Sheron and Murilo had already gone to bed, so they tried to be a bit quiet. I have to admit I was pleased to see them. I mean, don’t get me wrong, I reckon that Sheron and Murilo are two of the nicest people I have ever met and I loved spending time with them but having Daddy Richard back was luvely and I was even a little bit pleased to see him. The latter largely because I get my treats from him and not Daddy Richard! I did try to cover my excitement but my tail gave me away … it was wagging so fast it looked like it might fall off. I just couldn’t keep it under control!! So, on Saturday morning we all got up. Sheron had baked a Brazilian cake which they all enjoyed for breakfast and then we went on one last walk with Sheron and Murilo before they left. I was really quite sad to see them go but they are young, only been married for a couple of years and are spending a whole two years travelling around the world!! We were a stop only three months in, so they have a lot yet to do! I hope they enjoy it and that I’ll see them again sometime. Right now, though, my paws are aching from all this typing. I will try not to leave it too long before I put paw to keyboard but for now, must paws … 🐾