What a weekend!

Oh my woof, what a weekend! Let me start at the beginning. On Saturday morning Alex and Richard had to go to London (wherever that is). They were going to meet Alex’s Mum (I haven’t met her yet but I bet she’s nicer than Alex!) and her friend Doris and they were all off to the theatre. Apparently this had been arranged before I adopted them, so they needed to do it. A theatre, according to my dog/human dictionary, is somewhere where people go to watch other people pretend to do things that they are not really doing – it all sounds barking mad to me … and they pay for this too! Anyway, enough about them, what about me? Ah yes … before they left for London Alex and Richard took me on a nice walk around our ‘Hilly Fields’ route. When we got back we walked down Oxted Road and into Salisbury Road (I think they were trying to fool me, but I knew where I was going!). When we got to the end where we would normally turn left to go home, I knew exactly where I was going, so I turned right. I almost had to drag them down to Zena’s pathway! Anyway, when we got there Simon was in the front cutting the grass (have I mentioned I rather like rolling in cut grass?), and who should be waiting for me – only Jake!! I love playing with Jake! Zena wasn’t there when I got there, but I didn’t mind because I had Jake to play with. Jake’s cool and he comes out in the garden with me and plays for hours. (Actually, I do rather play him up a bit and make him keep playing with me, but I don’t think he minds too much.)

Once I had got rid of Alex and Richard and they had gone off to do their thing in London, I settled in for the day. First things first, I made sure that I kept Jake occupied for a couple of hours (I don’t want him getting bored!). After a couple of hours Zena came home … I was so excited! I love Simon too but, don’t get me wrong, he hasn’t got the same look as Zena and he doesn’t make quite such a fuss of me. In the afternoon we all went off to the pub. I am getting to be quite a regular at the pub! And then, afterwards we went for a lovely long walk round Bay Pond and Green Lane. It was just fab! After what seemed like a very long time, Richard and Alex appeared with a Chinese take-away which I know they like. (Although why they have to take food from the Chinese is anybody’s guess!) Before they ate Zena was saying how good I had been all day, so I thought I had better demonstrate that I can be naughty too – I started to steal things (like Simon’s glasses), jump up at Zena, bark and generally misbehave, just to remind them that I can. This game didn’t last long though because they sat down to dinner, so I crawled under the table to push out a few ?s.

It seems that everyone had a good meal and when we left Zena and Simon’s to go home, I did think I detected a slight wobble in their walking, however never let it be said that I would cast such an aspersion! Sunday morning came and I decided to take Alex and Richard on a walk around the Hilly Fields route in reverse. We started by walking through Linden Fields and then Tylers Close into the big field. We met some very nice people who had two small dogs. One of them was being trained to walk off lead, which seemed very exciting. When they had walked ahead of us, I changed my lead into the long line and Alex and Richard played a game with me. They didn’t actually hold the lead, but they were about 60 feet apart and they played a ‘recall’ game. This is basically where one calls me and when I run to them I get a treat, then the other one calls me and I run to them for a treat. Frankly, it seems like an excellent game because I get lots of treats. They seem to like it too. After we had played this for a while, we walked along the path towards The Hollow. Although I was back on a lead, it was the long line, so I didn’t mind.

When we got to the style, Richard and Alex went over it and I went under the fence. This was when I was presented with a golden (‘golden’ huh, do you get the pun?!) opportunity. Instead of waiting for them to pick up the long line again, I ran off. Alex wasn’t too concerned because he often allows me to walk without holding the long lead, but little did he know! Richard said, “when he can’t see us anymore, he’ll realise we’re not with him and come back”. Was I heck as like! This was way too good an opportunity to miss. I ran and ran and kept on running – all the way to Hilly Fields. Alex and Richard tried to come after me but I was way ahead of them and they aren’t as fast as me! When I got to Hilly Fields I bumped (rather literally) into the people with the two dogs we had met earlier and they realised what was happening and caught hold of me. This rather spoiled my game, but I think a point had been scored by me! When Alex and Richard eventually arrived (they really are quite slow in comparison) I did run back to them, but I didn’t get any treats and Alex muttered something like, “so much for his blinkin’ recall!”. (I think he said ‘blinkin’ – it definitely began with a ‘b’.) They thanked the people who had caught me and said something about them trying to train me and me not doing a lot of learning. The cheek of it! I learned very quickly indeed that I could run faster than them and that if they haven’t got their eye on me 100% of the time (and why on earth wouldn’t they – there is nothing in this world better to look at than me!) then I will outwit them with another new game! The only downside of this wonderful game is that it is jolly tiring. When we got home and we had all caught our breath (I don’t know why they needed to, I had run much faster than them!) I realised just how tired I was. Whilst they cooked their lunch (I don’t know why they don’t eat biscuits just like I do) I lay down on the floor and pushed out a few more ?s!

The early afternoon of Sunday was spent in the garden. Alex said he had some ‘work’ to do in the greenhouse. Believe me, this isn’t work – he enjoys it far too much! So I thought I should give him a bit of a helping paw. I managed to find some egg boxes that he was keeping in the greenhouse for some reason (nope, me neither, but you know what he’s like!) and saw that, as they were not in use, they should be destroyed. I took them outside and gave it my best shot. Once again, my efforts were not appreciated! Alex was definitely not pleased, I could tell by the tone of his voice and the amount of ‘f’s I could hear him muttering. (I have now learned that if he is using a lot of ‘f’s it generally means he isn’t pleased about something!) Well, I mean, what must a dog do? I certainly wasn’t going to stand there and listen to that rubbish so I walked off in a marked manner and left him to it. I think I am going to have to have a woof with Amanda from Happy Buddies about this behaviour, it really isn’t good enough. I don’t know what it is about this gardening lark, but Alex doesn’t seem to understand that I am a great asset to him. He has had a fence erected so that I can’t get at his raised beds – apparently he doesn’t want me sitting in them or eating the plants, I don’t know why … I thought I improved the look considerably. He moans when I take a plant out of a plant pot and give it a good shake before I shred the plant pot. He moans when I destroy his egg boxes for him. He even moans when I try to eat the compost whilst he is ‘potting on’ (whatever on earth that means!). In fact, all I ever hear from him are things like, “You never see Nigel doing this”, or “Nellie is about Monty’s age, but you don’t see her destroying the garden”. Apparently Nigel and Nellie are Golden Retrievers just like me, (obviously not as good looking or charming!) and they belong to someone called ‘Monty Don’ – no relation – who has a very small garden because it fits into that television thing. Anyway, I shall have a woof with Amanda and see what she has to say about this behaviour!

Whatever Amanda has to say, this gardening thing is not all it’s cracked up to be and it can be very tiring. I found myself forced to take a short nap after all that exercise in the garden. The good news on Sunday afternoon was that, despite my efforts in the morning, Richard said he would take me for another decent walk whilst Alex went to see Bren. Richard took me on a really good walk – we went up Green Lane, along Church Road and down Bay Pond, but when we got to the White Hart we turned left and crossed the road, through the little path into Bell Meadow and then from there into Ivy Mill Close, up Ivy Mill Lane and round The Green before we headed home. It was a lovely long walk and I behaved impeccably on the grounds that if I did anything else I might just get into trouble! Alex came back from seeing Bren shortly after we arrived home. To be honest, I was a bit tired and so I didn’t really do very much in the evening. Richard poured a couple of ‘Aperol Spritz’ for him and Alex and then Alex went and cooked dinner – Keema Mince which was a new dish for them. Apparently the Keema Mince went down well and, to celebrate, Richard poured another couple of drinks. I think Richard was a bit tired too after that because he lay down on the floor with me. Alex complained that the liver treats that Richard made for me were all very good but that I was doing a lot of bottom burps and they were very, very pungent. He says that the Gifi scale may have to be redefined!

This morning I took Alex out for my morning constitutional. We did our usual Bay Pond circuit but Alex was grumbling that his new shoes hurt him. I really don’t understand this shoes business, but it seems that humans quite like them. What is even more bizarre is that he should feel the need to procure new shoes – he has a perfectly good pair already. Alex is moaning that he needed to replace his shoes after I chewed them. I fail to understand what the problem is, I merely tested the leather as to whether it was bite proof and removed some parts from the inside of the shoe that I found to be completely unnecessary! He seems to think that having an insole that is intact, complete and free of bite marks is important – I think that chew testing of shoes is much more necessary if humans are going to insist on wearing them. He bought his new shoes (which I have not had an opportunity to chew test because he is hiding them away in a cupboard) and is now complaining that they hurt, so he clearly didn’t buy a very good pair of shoes. When we got home we had a visitor. Kevin came to see Alex to talk about some changes that Alex would like to make to the house (apparently he doesn’t like it as it is), they paid me absolutely no attention whatsoever – a matter that I had to make them aware of. I barked and barked until they took some notice of me. Although they did clearly see and hear me, they still just ignored me. In the end I gave up – there are some occasions when it just isn’t worth the effort!

When we were out walking yesterday, after I had had my aborted bid to escape to freedom, we walked back via the triangle by The Green because Richard was going to buy something called ‘crumpets’ which he and Alex were going to eat. (In the end he didn’t get any because the shop didn’t have any, but since that is of no interest to me, I wasn’t bothered.) I believe I may have mentioned previously my predilection for rolling in cut grass – I positively love it! There wasn’t any cut grass available on the triangle, so I had to make do with daffodils that have finished. I had a good roll around in the grass and daffodils. Alex says that Mrs P won’t be very happy with me if I damage the daffodils because she planted them. He also said that the tree next to the daffodils is important because it was planted on the 40th anniversary of the Godstone Gardeners’ Club – apparently Mrs P will be very unhappy if this gets damaged! Anyway, I have done just too much over the weekend and I am, frankly, a bit bushed. I need to push out a few ?s and to regain my energy so that I am ready for my next adventure. I think that I heard someone mention that Amanda from Happy Buddies is coming tomorrow, so I’m quite excited about that. I always behave when she’s here and I’m sure she thinks that Alex and Richard are just making it up when they say I am naughty. Talking of being naughty, Alex has an important conference call this afternoon and he has threatened to cut my tail off if I bark … just behind my ears! I’m guessing that I’ll just have to be quiet this time. Right, I’m off to push out those ?s, so for now, must paws … ?