What a flamin’ cheek!

I mean, what a flamin’ cheek! I wouldn’t mind, but it wasn’t even him, it was Daddy Richard. You see, just occasionally (well, actually quite a lot) Daddy Richard calls me ‘The Monster’. I’m not desperately happy with being called a ‘Monster’ but I put up with it. The thing is, I put up with it … in private. The other day though we were out for a walk and we met up with Dylan – he’s another Golden Retriever although he’s much younger than me – and Dylan was quite boisterous and his human was saying she finds it difficult sometimes as he tries to jump up without warning. Then Daddy Richard said that I could be a bit of a ‘Monster’! I can’t believe he said that in public! What a flamin’ cheek!!! I suppose I shall have to forgive him, otherwise I’ll have no-one to rely on, after all I can’t rely on him! The other day we were out for a walk, I had just produced a very aromatic two bagger, and I decided to drop my ball which subsequently rolled down the hill in Green Lane and he had to walk back down the hill to help me find it. Honestly, the language! You’d think I’d committed the crime of the century, not just dropped my ball.

Talking of balls, I think I should explain. In recent weeks I have been going out for my walk with a ball. It all started because one day we met Sidney – he’s a Cockerdoodle – and he had a ball … he dropped his ball which is completely fair game, so I nicked it. When I wouldn’t give it back he got all bent out of shape and started telling me off … again. I kept that ball for ages – until I lost it. They had the brilliant idea of giving me a ball to carry with me when we go out for a walk. I rather like that idea! I can’t imagine how they actually had a good idea, I can only presume it was Daddy Richard. Anyway, ever since then I’ve been taking a ball out with me when we go for a walk. Now though, we have another new problem. You see, they expect me to carry the ball all the way on my walk. It isn’t that I mind, but just occasionally I want to give my jaws a rest so I lay down and inspect my ball for a few minutes. That seems to be a problem … not for me, but for them! He moans that I keep laying down but there’s no surprise there! He moans about everything!!

So, then there comes another problem … lost balls. You see, sometimes I drop my ball and get interested in something else and then forget where I dropped it. I can’t be expected to remember everything!!! When I realise I haven’t got my ball I get a bit upset and don’t want to walk any further until we have retraced our steps and I have found it. He moans and groans as if it is some great hardship to go back and find it. Honestly, I don’t know what all the fuss is about!! I don’t think he realises how much effort it takes to carry that flamin’ ball around all the time. Don’t get me wrong, I don’t mind, but it’s about time he realised that carrying a ball around is a lot of responsibility. Recently, I’ve been taking an orange ball more often than a yellow ball because I can see orange better and he thinks I’m less likely to lose it. If I drop it or lose it, there is no need to make such a fuss about it!!

Talking of fuss, I’m amazed at the fuss there seems to be about the Blond Potato at the moment. Apparently he told his Brexit mate, James Dyson, (that’s the bloke who was such a strong Brexiteer that he moved his entire operation to Singapore to avoid the effects of the Brexit he campaigned for) that he would ‘fix’ his tax issues if he made some ventilators for the NHS. As a point of interest, he never actually manufactured any ventilators, nor did he deliver anything and, according to my research he couldn’t have actually manufactured any anyway because they are too complex and specialist. I don’t understand what the fuss is about. We already know that the Blond Potato is a liar, he was proven to have lied to the Queen about Brexit in a court of law, he has now been accused by his ex-mate Cummings of using donations to the Conservative Party to do up his flat and, my favourite bit of all, he was described by his ex-mate as being “unethical, foolish” and best of all “having a vacuum of integrity”! Pretty much, that describes him perfectly!

It is interesting that he continues to be driven by dates and not data. The scientists have said that there is a risk that the dates for the next stage of lifting lockdown may have to be revised. Whilst we all want to regain our freedom as soon as possible, surely the Blond Potato should listen to the experts? Instead he has said “I see nothing in the data that would lead me to believe we cannot achieve our target date of the 17th May for the next stage of our plans”. Which bit of the advice from the scientists does he not understand? is he really that thick? The thousands of people who lost their lives because of his stupidity and arrogance would probably like to describe him as much more than just “vacuous in integrity”! He still claims that the return of schools last September had no impact on the numbers of cases and deaths … that will be apart from the massive spike that resulted in the UK being the worst place in the world for cases by population number and the worst death rate in the world! The Blond Potato and his dreadful management has nothing to do with politics, whether you are red or blue whether your views are aligned with one party of another, it is about one man’s inability to do the job he was elected to do. Why was he elected? Not because he’s good at the job but because the alternative at the time was unthinkable! In other words, he was the least worst. The trouble is, he is now the worst!!!

So, apart from the complete incompetence of the Blond Potato which has cost thousands of lives, life really continues as normal. We’re still in partial lockdown, although judging by the traffic on the roads and the amount of people around, you wouldn’t know it! We took a walk up to the ‘Secret Garden’ last weekend – unfortunately it lost it’s ‘secret’ bit and it became so busy with visitors from outside the village and it has now been closed. I don’t know why it was closed but I can imagine that the sheer number of people and the amount of litter that these people leave in the village was probably a contributing factor! Unfortunately I didn’t know it was closed (apparently it had been spread about on FaceAche but I don’t often look at that) so we walked all the way there and then had to come home. The bluebells in that beautiful garden would have been fabulous at this time of year! We had a good walk though and I found a really muddy ditch on the way home which I had a jolly good paddle in. Inevitably, when we got home I was dragged straight into the back garden where I was unceremoniously hosed to wash the mud off my paws!!

Talking of paws, you won’t believe this but he actually accused me of “dragging my paws” the other day. The thing is, sometimes when we walk up Oxted Road, or even Green Lane, I don’t particularly want to walk, I’d rather lay down and chew my balls. They seem to think that going out for a walk is all about walking. That just demonstrates how unbelievably dense they can be! I’ve said this before, but he isn’t the brightest star in the sky … about as bright as the Big Dipper on a foggy, dark, night! Going out for walk is all about getting as much me time as I can. There is so much more to walking … sniffing, producing a good two bagger (at least!), laying down to chew my balls, trying to catch squirrels or rabbits or anything that moves, dragging them around when I feel like it and dragging my paws when I feel like it. There is so much to going out for a walk but they just don’t understand! I’m going to have to teach them somehow but it is very difficult training humans, they’re just not as clever as dogs! I am, of course, the cleverist dog in dogdom too! So, I think I’m in for a bit of an uphill battle. Mind you, I guess there is no time like the present, I’d better start straight away, so, for now must paws … 🐾