Oh my woof, it’s been another week. Just because I blamed him for the fiasco at the dog show recently, he seems to think that it’s OK to blame me for everything now! I’d hardly hit the ‘publish’ button on my last report when it all started. You see, Daddy Richard had been for a snooze and I had been forced to take him for a walk because Daddy Richard was wandering around in his dressing gown which, I have to say, is not a particularly pretty sight! Anyway, when Daddy Richard had gone up for a snooze, he had taken his glasses off and let them on a side table. I do like to chew a good pair of glasses but I couldn’t quite reach them. I tried from the front of the table, I tried from the side of the table, but they were just out of reach. Then I had a brainwave … if I climbed on the sofa I could reach across and get them … so I did. Honestly! The fuss!!!! Anybody would think I had committed the crime of the century rather than just pinch a pair of glasses for a little chew! And the language – I mean, it was enough to make a grown dog blush! About the only two repeatable words are ‘Monty’ and ‘glasses’ … everything in between is frankly embarrassing to think about. Daddy Richard can see perfectly well to read without them and was only chewing them gently! You won’t believe this … he only accused me of slobbering all over them. I know! “Slobber!” How disgusting. I am Montgomery, Oliver, Nigel, Tarquin, York – I am part of the arisdogrocy, I am no ordinary dog … I do not slobber! I may accidentally dribble from time to time, but slobber … not me!
So that set the tone for this week. I knew right away that it was going to be one of those weeks. On Monday I kept my head down and stayed out of the way. I just knew that whatever I did he was going to blame me, so I decided it was best to keep out of the way. Mind you, we went for our usual morning walk and then he went off for the day and didn’t return until it was time for my evening walk. I spent some quality time with Daddy Richard but even he went out for a little while, so I was left to look after the house. When he came back and we had been for our walk and I had had dinner, I curled up on the floor by his feet to make him think that I like him just a little bit. It gave me an opportunity to push out a few ????s and that’s never a bad thing! On Tuesday morning it turned out that Daddy Richard had one of his breakfast … oops, sorry, I meant networking meetings … so he went off early and I was left with him again. Mind you, we had a nice walk up Oxted Road, Church Lane, Bay Pond Path and back up the High Street. Daddy Richard came home eventually and then he went off again claiming to be ‘working’ for a second day running! Daddy Richard hadn’t been home that long before he went out again leaving me to look after the house. Whilst he was gone I did a bit of tidying up – I placed toys in strategic places all around the house, brought a sock downstairs and put it by the patio doors, got the tea towel off the side and pulled it around the floor a bit and then got the oven cloth and put that by the front door. When he came home I got the blame for making a mess! You should have seen what it was like before I tidied up!!!
When Daddy Richard came home, they both went out again. They claimed to have a ‘meeting’, but I reckon they were up to something because in the evening they went out yet again! Actually, I wasn’t all that happy about them going out three times in one day and I sulked a bit when they eventually came home from their meeting in the evening. They hadn’t eaten when they came home and they decided to have some curry that he had made. It was so late they decided it would be a ‘lap job’ and just eat out of bowls. When he put his bowl down I decided to have a little taste – I must admit it was actually quite nice so maybe all this practice is finally beginning to pay off! We went pretty much straight to bed after that. Wednesday morning came around and, guess what, Daddy Richard went off for another of his breakfasts (apparently it wasn’t as good as others he goes to and the chef was late!). I took him for my morning walk and then, when we got back, he went off too! He was gone all day again and didn’t get back until late. When he came home he said he had to print newsletters for the gardeners’ club so I took Daddy Richard for a walk – I could have done that earlier if I had known! It seems he’s rubbish at planning too! When we got back they both went off to the Gardeners’ Club so I looked after the house and (don’t tell them) pushed out a few ????s for a while. They weren’t gone too long though, so it was OK.
On Thursday we went to my wimming session at Hydro Hounds and I spent some quality time with my personal therapists Katie and Stef. When we got back, we weren’t home long before we went out again. We all got in the car thingy and we went off so that Daddy Richard and him could see my Auntie Lesley and Uncle Baz. Apparently Daddy Richard wanted to give a few business cards out (Nah, me neither, but I’m not going to look it up!). I took him for a walk up to the fields behind the office where they work and we found that there were hundreds of sheep! I think they were a bit wary of me, but I was on a lead and there was a fence and, anyway, I wouldn’t do anything. I discovered these two black sheep who didn’t seem quite so bothered. He said that I was like the black sheep of the doggy world – I didn’t really understand because I am not related to sheep and I’m blond, but I was sure it was b-a-a-a-a-d. (Did you see what I did there?!) Well, I looked it up on Fidopedia when I got home – it says, “In many cultures, the term “black sheep” has come to mean the outcast, the disreputable or undesirable member of the group, especially a family.” I flamin’ knew he wasn’t been very nice. It was nice to see Auntie Lesley and Uncle Baz – I haven’t seen them for ages and he says that they were his best two ‘hires’ ever. I have no idea what a ‘hire’ is, but just for once I know it was meant as a compliment.
You won’t believe this but on Friday Daddy Richard went off for yet another ‘breakfast’ – it’s no wonder half his clothes have “shrunk in the wardrobe”! Daddy Richard came home and then he only went off to do that ‘work’ thing again! This time it was somewhere different but it was still the same. Daddy Richard went off a little later to join him – clearly he isn’t any good at that either and needs help! I think I may have mentioned this in the past, but he isn’t very bright … the aerial doesn’t pick up all the channels, if you get my gist. Anyway, they were gone for hours and hours! (Well 4 actually) I had to guard the house so I paced around and did some more organising – why do they keep the tea towel in the kitchen? It is far better on the floor of the lounge. And why do they keep the remote controls near the televisions? They are so much better hidden on the floor behind the sofa. And why on earth do they need to keep two shoes together? It is much better if one is hidden somewhere! I spent a little time pushing out ????s too, so when they came back I have to be honest that I was quite pleased to see them, so I brought the tea towel to show them! They did go out again in the evening, but I didn’t mind that. Thursday was Uncle Malcolm’s birthday (I think he might be even older than Uncle Don, but I didn’t think that was possible!) and on Friday evening they had a little party. Auntie Sue did lots of things to nibble on (not that I got any because I was at home) and then, when everyone had had a little drink (I’m not sure it was that little in his case judging by the state he was in when he came home!) she did some hot snacks too. Apparently, they were lovely but I didn’t get a single one! He never thinks of me when he’s getting a treat. Auntie Sue and Uncle Malcolm are going on their ‘oliday tonight but only for a couple of days and Auntie Zena keeps an eye on the house for them and feeds the cat.
Today we have been somewhere new again. He bought me a new harness because he is worried that I half strangle myself when I pull on my collar (he has a point!). Apparently some people say that the harness stops pulling, but he didn’t have high hopes of that … he was right! It is quite fetching though and I did notice that others were admiring it. Mind you, they may have just been admiring me because, despite what he said after the dog show fiasco, I am the handsomest dog in dogdom!! We went to Kenley Airfield – it’s huge!! We walked (well they walked and I ran … obviously!) all around the perimeter which is over 2 miles. I rolled around in the lovely grass, I ran on the runway, I ran all around the perimeter and I reckon I ran at least twice the distance because they were so slow I had to keep running back to them! Yet again, there was a flamin’ incident. I don’t really see why, but as usual I got the blame. You see, there was a gap in the hedge on the edge of the airfield, so I popped through it to see what was on the other side. Honestly, you would think I had committed some great crime, not popped through the hedge to see what was on the other side. When I did it for the third time the air was blue again! “You’ve got all this ****ing airfield to run around in and you have to go and escape again!” It’s been that kind of week!
When we got back I was absolutely cream crackered! We walked in through the door, I popped my harness off and flopped straight down on the floor to push out some ????s. I put in a good hour before I could even think about putting paw to keyboard! OK, I’ve got to be honest now, I was too cream crackered to put paw to keyboard, so I’ve had to get him to do it for me. I have told him what to say and I hope he has followed my instructions to the letter! I shall be checking very, very carefully. Of course, he isn’t as quick as me, so it’ll probably be about Julember before he actually gets it out but it saves me the trouble. I am the quickest dog in dogdom when it comes to keyboards. It is quite hard to maintain such a strong position you know. I am the handsomest dog in dogdom, the fastest dog in dogdom, the cleverest dog in dogdom and the fastest dog on a keyboard in dogdom. I am pretty sure I am the best at something else in dogdom but I can’t think of what it is right now and I am so flamin’ cream crackered that I’m not going to bother to try and think of it. Talking of being cream crackered, I think I am going to have to stop and push out a few more ????s so, for now, must paws … ????
