Strong as an ox, stubborn as a mule …

That’s what he said! Now, I don’t mind the strong as an ox bit – I’ve looked it up on the Tinternet (why is the human version so very slow and clunky?!) and I found a description on Fidopedia that explains them. It says, ‘Oxen are commonly castrated adult male cattle’. Apparently they’re bred to be ‘draft animals’, meaning that they can pull things along. Well, I sadly must admit that I too have undergone that rather unpleasant surgery that means I can be described as ‘castrated’ and I can certainly pull things along. I spend half my life trying to drag those two around the village … they just don’t move fast enough for my liking! But the mule thing, that’s different!!! For a start, it appears to be a combination of a donkey and a horse. According to Fidopedia it’s the offspring of a male donkey and a female horse and, amongst other things, it is known for its stubbornness. I’ve looked this word ‘stubborn’ up on Doogle and it says, ‘having or showing dogged determination not to change one’s attitude or position on something, especially in spite of good arguments or reasons to do so’. Frankly that’s an insult. Firstly, I do not like the use of the word ‘dogged’ which suggests some kind of relationship with the doggy world and is also described as something ‘grim persistence’ and, secondly, I see absolutely nothing wrong with me ensuring that they go where I want to go or do what I want to do! What’s wrong with that?

Now, it has been a while since I’ve put paw to keyboard but I have good reasons. I’ve been quite busy going to different places and finding new things to do, then latterly I’ve had a touch of conjunctivitis which wasn’t a lot of fun. I took them to a lovely new place called ‘St Leonard’s Forest’. It isn’t anywhere near St Leonards because I looked on a map and that’s near Hastings. St Leonard’s Forest is near Horsham … which is still a long way because it’s further than Reigate Hill … and it’s huge! I had a fabulous time there … after I got over the journey in the car thingy. I don’t think I’m ever going to get entirely used to a car thingy. We got there having driven down loads of winding lanes and up and down hills and my tummy felt a little funny. When we got out of the car I found myself feeling a bit ‘loose’ in the bottom department. I tried to get them to somewhere quiet so that I could relieve myself but oh no, they insisted on gawping at the map of the forest. In the end, I couldn’t wait anymore and narrowly missed some man’s foot who was also staring at the map. It was hardly my fault and they couldn’t pick that lot up so they kicked a load of dust into it to try and dry it out. Anyway, once I had got over that I was fine.

St Leonard’s Forest is really good though. It has miles and miles of footpaths that you can explore and loads of wooded areas where you can chase rabbits and squirrels. I had a thoroughly good time although by the time we got back to the car thingy I was completely cream crackered. Apparently, it has been there forever! I mean really forever. They reckon that the 6th century hermit, St Leonard slayed a dragon in the forest. I don’t know much about dragons (even though I have read all of the Harry Potter books!) but I know that the 6th century is a very long time ago. I think that’s even older than Uncle Don and he’s pretty ancient!!! Apparently, there are rare birds there too like the rare wood warbler and lesser spotted woodpecker – although if I’m honest I don’t really know the difference and they’re all chickens to me! And the really good thing about chickens is that you can eat them so I reckon all birds are edible which makes them fair game for me! The journey back in the car thingy was much better because they took a different route without all the twisty bits which made it much more bearable and, in any event, I was so cream crackered that I snoozed all the way home anyway.

He’s been doing that cooking thing he is so rubbish at. Honestly, with all that practice you’d think he’d get it right by now! Anyway, my regular fans will know what I mean when I say that he’s always moaning. Recently he has accused me of ‘photo bombing’ when he has been taking pictures of the food that he has destroyed. I have to admit that I didn’t really know what photobombing was but I looked it up on the Tinternet (I’ve been looking at lot up on the Tinternet, maybe that’s why I got conjunctivitis!) and Fidopedia says that photobombing is the act of purposely putting oneself into the view of a photograph, often in order to play a practical joke on the photographer or the subjects. Well, as usual, he’s wrong about that. I have certainly not been purposely putting myself in the photo, I was just curious to see what a mess he had made of some perfectly good food and just happened to be there when he took a photo of it. This was called Gilt Head Sea Bream with ‘Angry Water’ (recipe at www.foodthatweeat.com) which apparently they thought was delicious but I personally think it was a waste of some good fish. Vegetables are not really my thing so I don’t care what he does with them.

This cooking thing is becoming a bit of an obsession with him. He does it every day!!! He’s clearly no good at it because if he was any good he wouldn’t need to practice so much! Honestly, the house stinks of Indian spices or Italian smells of garlic and tomato. I don’t think he realises that food is something that shouldn’t be mucked about with. Take, for example, the other day when he was destroying a perfectly good chicken to make yet another Indian dish (Amritsar Chicken Masala – recipe here), he didn’t need the wings so I helped out by eating them. There is no need to cook them, they are actually rather nice raw and the bones give them a nice crunch! So, just to be clear, I am not ‘photobombing’ his photos of food, I am simply curious to see what he has done to destroy some perfectly good ingredients. I suppose, in fairness (although I don’t see why I should be fair to him), I should say that he did make a not half bad bolognese sauce the other evening and I got to finish off the left overs. It was actually OK. Nothing like as tasty as a bit of raw chicken or a bit of horses poo but tasty enough that I was able to lick the bowl clean!

There was one other event that I ought to mention. I’ve had a bath! I am not over keen on baths but apparently, I was smelling a bit too ‘dog’. We were walking through the village and I saw a blast from the past … Auntie Chloe! Auntie Chloe used to live in the village and she was my personal beautician but she moved away to live in Wales. I’ve checked on Doogle and Wales is a long way away – definitely further than Reigate Hill. In fact, he has a friend who lives on the Welsh borders (on the England side) and it took him hours and hours to get to us when he came to visit, so I reckon it’s probably a long, long way. Anyway, Auntie Chloe went to live in Wales but now she’s back. We bumped into her and she said she would give me a bath. It was all arranged a bit quickly for my liking but Auntie Chloe came along and I got into her car thingy and off we went. Once I got over the shock of the whole concept of having a bath I actually quite enjoyed it. Auntie Chloe gave me a nice hair cut too and now everyone says I look better. I realise that is hard to believe because I am already the handsomest dog in dogdom but I suppose I am even more the handsomest dog in doggdom now!! When I came home I had treats and everything, so it was all good in the end. Another thing that happened is that he bought me a ball. I haven’t got a good record with balls – although it isn’t my fault! If I see someone else with a ball, I do my best to pinch it. If I have a ball myself then I try and drop it in the most inaccessible place possible and then bark at it until someone gets it for me. If I can get my lips around a tennis ball, then I like to lay down and chew it until it is completely destroyed. So, the fact that he bought me a ball is quite surprising! It’s a bigger ball than a tennis ball but not so big that I can’t get it in my mouth. It is just too big to roll under the furniture unfortunately, but it is quite fun to play with.

I did manage to drop my ball behind the sofa the other day. That caused quite a bit of chaos. I stood on the sofa and barked at it until he managed to scramble over the back and get it for me. Mostly though I just walk around the house with the ball in my mouth. Occasionally him or Daddy Richard will throw it for me and I catch it and then lay down for a jolly good chew. It seems pretty indestructible at the moment so it’s lasting for ages! This whole conjunctivitis thing is a bit of a pain in the bottom. I get all this gooey build up in my eyes and they are quite sore. I then have the humiliation of either him or Daddy Richard wiping the goo away from my eyes and then them squirting eye drops into my eyes. I don’t much like the eye drops but they do seem to have made things better, so I guess I just have to put up with it. So, there you have it, it’s been a busy old few weeks what with one thing or another. In fact, just thinking about it has made me quite tired. I think I may have to lay down and push out a few 💤s. So I don’t know what he’s talking about when he describes me as stubborn. I’m not stubborn, I just know that what I want to do is always right! Right, now for those 💤s. I definitely need a lay down so, for now, must paws … 🐾