Speak more clearly …

It has been quite a busy time since I last put paw to keyboard. I guess I should start at the beginning. On Sunday morning I took Richard and Alex out for a walk. It was largely without incident and I walked quite nicely (after I had spent a good few minutes jumping up and nipping at them both). We went for a walk on a slight variation of one of our more usual walks. Instead of walking down to the White Hart Barn and up Bay Pond path, we went into Court Road and then through Riders Way and up Green Lane. Then along Church Lane and down Bay Pond path towards the White Hart Barn. My reason for mentioning this route is that I like a bit of variation in the walks that I take them on and, since the car has not been an option, I have been somewhat limited in my routes. That said, the walk was all very satisfactory and they seemed quite pleased with my walking.

In fact, they were so pleased with my walking that I decided to wipe the smile off their faces a bit. I haven’t played the ‘lie down and refuse to move game’ for ages, so I gave it a bit of a go. I have to be totally honest, it wasn’t all that great, but I certainly got the last laugh for a few minutes. Eventually, when Richard and Alex started to just ignore me and have a conversation between them about ‘kitchens’ (whatever they are) I decided that I should bring the game to a halt and we went home. Sunday was quite a day actually. I had lots of lovely walks which was great. I also got to run around quite a bit on the long line which was just fabulous! I really enjoyed running in Green Lane – Alex thought he was practising my ‘recall’ but I’m not stupid … there were treats at the end of it!

Now, I should mention at this juncture that I don’t do ‘social media’. I have been asked if I do ‘Whatsyap’ and ‘Instapound’ and even if I have a Poochbook account. The answer is an emphatic no! Alex says that these social media apps are dangerous because they are so insecure and you never know where your personal details will end up. He also says that because many are hosted on American servers (I think I have mentioned America before, it is a very long way away I think) the data is automatically available to the American government and he doesn’t want Trump to have access to anything. He seems to know what he’s talking about, so I keep off social media. I am a bit confused over the Trump thing though – he keeps saying that I can ‘Trump’ for England, so is he talking about another dog that ‘Trumps’ for America? And anyway, how could you Trump for access? I think I shall have to go back to my doggy/human translations because I think something is lost here! Anyway it appears that the American Trump is bad and Alex thinks he probably isn’t all there (whatever that means). He thinks that the sooner they get rid of Trump the better – that makes sense because he is always saying that once my Trumps have gone it is much better!

Sunday afternoon had its ups and downs. Richard and Alex put my lead on and, with all that excitement, I was jumping up and down and nipping at them … until we went out of the door. We walked outside the door and I was unceremoniously bundled into the car! I was not happy about this at all. That is, until just a few minutes later we stopped at Tilburstow Hill and went on an absolutely fabulous walk! I did notice too that I hadn’t felt sick at all on the way to Tilburstow Hill which they say is progress. Oh my woof, what a place Tilburstow Hill is – there were loads and loads of squirrels that I tried to chase! It was just fab! There were loads of new places to explore and loads of new things to sniff and taste. In fact, I can’t think of anything bad about the whole experience. No car sickness, new places, new things – all in all, it wasn’t a bad afternoon! When we got back to the car I was a little reticent about getting back in, but I was lifted in and I didn’t complain too much. It only took a few minutes to get home (3½ minutes according to Alex) so there was hardly time to get sick and, even when we got home, they let me take them for a short walk around Dewlands, so it was all right really. Alex says he wants to keep doing this so that I get used to it – if it is going to be like that, then I don’t mind at all!

Now, Monday was a different day. Firstly, it was freezing cold! It is May already and I really don’t think it should be that cold. I know that it is only my second May ever (and I really wasn’t very well the last time we had a May) but Alex keeps muttering about it being “cold enough to freeze the balls of a brass monkey”. This rather confusing statement has nothing to do with monkeys apparently. I have consulted Fidopedia and discovered that it is, in fact, something to do with how cannon balls were stored on ancient ships on a special holder called a ‘brass monkey’ and when it got cold the metal contracted and the balls fell off. Anyway, enough of this stuff, what about me? Oh yes, Monday morning. We took one of our Bay Pond walks which are always nice. It was at this point that the trouble started. The problem is that Alex is always muttering – I don’t usually listen to his muttering as it is generally derogatory or something like that. Anyway, I shall explain.

Alex has spent a lot of time (and I have had to force myself to eat a lot of treats) teaching me to do things on command. For example, sit, lie down, stand up (yes, I know this is all a little pointless … sit down, lie down, stand up – make up your mind!), walk on a loose lead, wait, stay, the list goes on and on. The thing is, he needs to understand that if he wants me to do things on command he must speak clearly and not do his usual muttering. Just as we were passing Angela’s doorstep on Monday morning he gave me a command and I obliged. He swears now he said “sit” but all that I can say is that wasn’t what I heard! Three bags later and lots of mutterings, “thank god Angela wasn’t there”, we were off on our walk up Bay Pond path. Boy, can that boy mutter! He muttered all the way up Bay Pond path – it’s hardly my fault, he should speak more clearly and, anyway, I did what I thought he asked on command!

Unfortunately, Monday saw another of those downs that I mentioned. You see, I was thinking about new games to play and I came up with a hum dinger of a game. As we walk up over Hilly Fields and along the footpath towards the field behind Tylers Close, there is a bridge over a particularly mucky stream. I have tried to get down into the stream on previous occasions but never really been that successful. However, on Monday I cracked it – I walked over the bridge as usual and pretended that I was just strolling along next to Alex. Then, just as he was completely off guard I turned on my paws and shot back over the bridge and dived into the stream!

Oh it was deliciously dirty and wet … what fun! It took him ages to get me come out of the water! Alex was a bit worried that I would hurt myself on the razor wire at the bottom of the fence, but I didn’t. He was moaning (and probably rightly on this occasion!) that razor wire is unnecessary and that I could have been hurt. Anyway, I wasn’t hurt but I was very wet and dirty. Once I was out and Alex had made sure that I wouldn’t be diving straight back in again, I took the best course of action possible – I had a jolly good shake. It turns out that 30 seconds later Alex was covered in mud and soaking wet … maybe he should have come for a dip with me too! Yet again, more muttering about “being covered in mud” and “I’m soaking wet” and “Monty, did you have to do that!”. Honestly, he just doesn’t appreciate the benefits of having me with him sometimes! When we got home I was hosed down (something that I really rather enjoy) and dried off before Alex went off and changed his clothes. I don’t know why he needed to do that, I thought the mud and damp was an improvement!

Once I was dry and clean, we went out again. Would you believe it, we only went to see Jake! Apparently Alex had to see a man with Simon (I have no idea!) but that meant that I could play with Jake! I love playing with Jake!! He’s so much more fun. We play in his garden which has grass and everything! I can run up and down and I play with a ball too, which is great fun. Jake looks after me and we can play for hours. Simon and Alex seemed to have to wait a very long time for the man to arrive, but I didn’t mind because I was with Jake. Then, before the man even arrived, guess who came through the door? Only Zena! Life doesn’t get much more exciting than that! In fact, I was so excited I got my lipstick out, but apparently that isn’t they way to show it. Eventually, the man arrived and Alex and Simon disappeared for a while. When they came back with the man they didn’t seem too unhappy although they seemed to be a bit serious so it must have been important. The man left and then, a few minutes later, so did we. I wasn’t desperately happy to leave but I was actually quite tired, so I didn’t mind going home to push out a couple of ?s.

Having had a little dog nap, I decided to take Alex for another walk in the afternoon. For some reason he wasn’t too keen on going back through Hilly Fields, so we went up Bay Pond and Green Lane instead. It as all pretty satisfactory, although when we passed the stream in Green Lane I was kept on a very short lead for some reason!

On Monday evening Alex had to go off to one of his ‘meetings’ again. This time the Parish Council. When he was just about to leave I took Richard out for a walk. We got down towards the White Hart Barn but, frankly, I was a bit bushed and didn’t really fancy another long walk so I took him for a wander around Horse Pond and The Green. I don’t often do this, but it was a good place for a walk that wasn’t too long. When we got home Richard discovered that he hadn’t got his keys. We went into the garden for a while, but Richard was a bit concerned when I jumped into one of the vegetable beds over the netting and started trying to dig up Alex’s sugar snap peas. Then Richard had a brain wave … he took me down to Zena to wait for Alex to get back with his keys! He’s really quite clever sometimes! I had another good time with Zena (no lipstick – that’s bad apparently) and Richard had a drink with Zena and Simon. Jake came and played with me too … what a day! Alex eventually came back from his meeting, also had a drink (this seems to feature quite a bit in life too) and then we went home.

Apparently Alex was going to make ‘chicken chow mein’ (I think that’s more of this foreign food they eat) but he couldn’t be bothered so they had ’emergency food’. I’m not sure what this means but it seems to involve getting something out of the freezer, putting it in the oven and then coming back half an hour later and eating it! It was called ‘Lasagne’ which I think is foreign again. Don’t they ever eat English food? It was ‘Sexy Chicken Breast’ on Saturday night which was a recipe from two people called Tony Singh and Cyrus Todiwala who I am led to believe are Indian, Sunday was Murg Methi (which is definitely Indian), Monday was Lasagne (which I have Doogled and it is Italian) and the Chicken Chow Mein was postponed to Tuesday but, according to Fidopedia it is Chinese! Oh well, each to their own – I prefer doggy food or just plain chicken if I can get my paws on it.

Tuesday saw another moment of excitement, although it was short lived. We were out on one of our walks and we happened across a rabbit. It was just sitting there trying not to be noticed, but I’m not silly – I spotted it. I immediately tried to run after it. Alex said I ‘lurched’ at it, but my doggy/human dictionary describes lurching as ‘make an abrupt, unsteady, uncontrolled movement or series of movements’, well you can trust me on this, there was nothing unsteady or uncontrolled about my movement! No sooner had I started towards it than the blinkin’ thing dodged through the fence! Try as I might, I couldn’t find the little blighter! It didn’t seem to matter what I did, or where I looked, it had disappeared. It was all very frustrating and it took a lot of treats to entice me away!

When we got home I had another rather nice surprise. Amanda from Happy Buddies came to see me! She brought me some special treats too – they are fish treats. Alex gave me one this morning and then said in a very accusing way that I had ‘fishy breath’ which was another comment I don’t think was complimentary! We did some new things that were really good fun. One of them was getting into the crate and then shutting the door for a couple of minutes. I think I have mentioned before that after my operation I am going to have to spend quite a bit of time in the crate, so I have to learn to use it.

I am not being boastful, but using a crate is hardly a challenge for a dog of my calibre! I mean, how hard can it be? I get in, I get treats. They shut the door, I get treats. I stay in the crate, I get treats! Easy! Although I have to be honest and say that I would never have done it without being shown how to by Amanda. She’s so nice and I always behave when she comes to visit me. I’m pretty sure I’ve convinced her that when Alex and Richard say I have been naughty they’re making it up! She did say I was the ‘cheekiest’ retriever she knows, but I think that is a good thing!

I had a fab time with Amanda and learned all sorts of new things. One of them is called a ‘finish’ – I am not going to explain too much about it yet, because once I’ve got it cracked Alex is going to video it and then I’ll post it on here. I’ve just remembered that I haven’t mentioned that I bumped into Paul and Maggie (see my last post) on Tuesday afternoon too. It sounds like they are going to have a new friend for me to meet in the near future – a black German Shepherd called ‘Ace’. It is all so exciting and I love meeting new friends. Talking of new friends, it still doesn’t look like I am going to be able to get to go and meet Charlie (although I am determined that I will) for a while. Alex says he is going to have to go to France on his own for the day next week. Apparently there are things he needs to do in the house and he really needs to go over there. I will probably spend the day with Claire from Perfect Pooches until Richard comes home. I really do want to meet Charlie, but I’ve got to get over this car thing! Well, that’s about all my news for today, so with that, I must paws … ?