Running out of bags

Since my last report there have been a few adventures. On Monday afternoon Alex had one of his ‘conference calls’ that mean he can’t take me out as usual. Now, I don’t know what a conference call is, but it seems to involve a box on his desk that produces human speak and, every now and again, he talks to it. All very strange. I was very well behaved because the call lasted almost 4 hours (he should have gone to the meeting but decided to call into it instead) and I hardly barked at all. In fact, I didn’t bark for the entire duration of the call except for twice when Alex took the phone off ‘mute’ whatever that is. Apparently this wasn’t great timing, but hey, what do I know about time! When he eventually finished his call, I reminded him we hadn’t been out for a walk by jumping up and nipping his arm. He got the message and off we went. I decided it would be a fun game to keep biting the lead and jumping up and nipping him all the way down the High Street. He didn’t seem to think this was that great an idea but he hadn’t given me his full attention for hours, so what did I care? Except that it kind of came back and bit me (if you’ll excuse the rather cleverly inserted pun!). Just outside the White Hart Barn I decided that a nip on the nose might get a bit more of his attention. I jumped up with all my might but, unfortunately (for me), I missed. I fell back down straight onto my bad hips. That really winded me for a few minutes and I had to lay on the ground to get my breath back. Fortunately, I did, and when I got up again I jumped up and nipped his elbow, just to let him know I was OK. I think Alex was a bit worried about my fall. I’m OK, but I think I’ll limit the height of my jumping from now on. Alex says he is going to speak to Amanda from Happy Buddies about it too.

When we got home, I managed to show Alex my new game. He has now learned that I actually invented it with Jake when I was playing with him on Saturday, but he didn’t know that at the time. My new game can only be played at very specific times. It is basically restricted to when someone is watering the garden, or they have a hose out. If you’d like to play the game too, it is pretty simple – I reckon a human could probably pick it up if they really tried, although obviously not as quickly as me. Basically, the game is as follows: When the hose is turned on, jump up and try and swallow all the water that comes out. If you happen to land on a plant when doing so, that’s a bonus. It is incredibly important though, when playing this game, that you ensure that not only you but the person who is holding the hose gets as wet as possible. Avoid, at all costs, any possibility of being dry or of not dragging enough water and dirt into the house as you earn extra points for the amount of mess you bring inside. I should warn you that this game does have a couple of downsides; the person holding the hose may not thank you for your efforts and, you may not be in the best of books when you bring all that mess into the house but, hey, there are pluses and minuses to most things in life!

Tuesday morning brought a bit of practice of my tricks ready for Amanda’s visit in the evening. Frankly, they’re no problem and I impressed as I always do! Alex then got the ramp out and put it in the garden to see how I would get on with it. He really is a bit dense sometimes! It isn’t the ramp I have an issue with, it’s the car! Of course, in the garden I just wandered up and down it whenever I was asked. Alex realised that he angle of assent was a bit of a problem since, even with the new carpet he applied, it is a bit slippery at too much of an angle, but he raised the bottom a little bit and then it was no problem. Whilst in the garden, I did manage to find a pot of bulbs that I had missed previously. Problem solved – he won’t be growing those ones again next year! Being slightly dense, what did he do then? He took it back out to the car. Duh! I mean, how long is it going to take for it to sink in? I don’t like the flippin’ car! Of course, as soon as it was on the back of the car, I refused point blank to go up it. Even when he tried blackmail with a beef bone, I resisted any temptation and simply sat down in the drive and watched the world go by. He really is going to have to work this one out! The trouble is, he says I am missing out on so many lovely walks because I don’t like the car. He also keeps telling me that I can’t go and meet Charlie unless I can get in the car. That may be true, but I still don’t like the car!

Having sorted out that I am not going up that flamin’ ramp if it means getting into the car, Alex decided on a walk. I personally also liked this idea, so on went my harness and off we went. I decided not to jump up and bite the lead on the way because I was still thinking of last night’s little accident. When we got to Angela’s house, I realised that I was in need of a squat down, if you see what I mean. I produced a humungous three bagger just by her front door. Alex said he was really glad that Angela didn’t appear to be there! Anyway, off we went on our walk. I had a lovely walk up Bay Pond path and then along Church Lane. Alex wouldn’t let me eat the horses poo that was in the middle of the road but, apart from that, it was good. At the top of Green Lane I managed to produce another two bagger which Alex seemed to think was a shame as it was quite a way to a bin. It doesn’t smell that bad … oh, actually, it does! Anyway, he has to carry it, not me, so I don’t really care that much. We had a great walk down Church Lane. I had a good sniff of pretty much everything. We bumped into Rob from the Gardeners’ Club who said, “I heard you had a dog”, Alex said yes and it was getting him fit, but as we walked off he muttered under his breath (this is something he seems to do a lot) “How the heck does he know? Honestly, this village sometimes!”

As we were approaching the end of Green Lane I decided that one more poo might be in order. As I squatted down I realised that my long line was in the firing line (if you see what I mean). I gave this some consideration for about 2 seconds and decided that it wouldn’t be my problem anyway so I carried on. It wasn’t a big poo and really only required one bag – which was fortunate because that was all Alex had left with him. As he cleared it up (it was a little ‘loose’ if you see what I mean) I could hear him muttering again, “He is just a sitting machine!”, he muttered … well I’m pretty sure he said ‘sitting’ although that was odd because we had been walking for about 40 minutes! As we walked home he seemed to handle my long line with some dexterity, avoiding contact with certain points at all times. When he changed back to my normal lead he was very careful how he handled it and as soon as we got home it went straight into a thing called a washing machine! I’m still wondering about this ‘sitting machine’ thing – I am not sure that it was all that complimentary! There seem to have been a lot of machines involved in that particular walk.

Amanda from Happy Buddies arrived and she suggested we do some ‘crate training’. This involves me getting into the crate (all the way!), so that I can get used to it before I have my operation (yuk). I have never actually been all the way inside the cage before – I usually just put my front feet in. I do eat my meals in the cage, but I can reach the back without going all the way in and that’s what I do. Amanda sat behind the cage and offered me some treats – frankly I find her irresistible anyway, she just knows how to play my paws, as it were. Actually, I had a really good time in my training session and I am looking forward to the next one. Of course, since Amanda left, I have devised new methods of getting a treat. I’ve worked out that I don’t actually have to be all the way into the crate to reach a treat when Alex tries. He is by no means as good as Amanda, so I’m not going to be making life very easy for him – particularly after the ‘sitting machine’ remark … I am still a little miffed about that! On Wednesday Alex said he had to go to a ‘meeting’. I have absolutely no idea what on earth he does when he isn’t entertaining me, but this ‘meeting’ thing seems to be a bit of a problem. Apparently, he had to go to somewhere in his car thing, so he needed someone to look after me.

Lots of friends offer to look after me all the time (of course, really I just go and entertain them for a while) but Richard and Alex discussed the fact that they can’t always rely on friends to solve their doggy problems (as if I would ever be a problem … the cheek of it!) so they contacted Claire from Perfect for Pooches. Claire is a professional dog walker and dog sitter and they felt I should get introduced to her sooner rather than later. On Wednesday morning Claire’s Mum came to collect me. She had a van rather than a car but I’m not silly … I planted myself on the pavement and refused to get into it! In the end Alex came and lifted me into it – I’m not sure I’ve forgiven him for that either! Having been ‘loaded’ into he van, I went off for the day to play with Claire and some other dogs that she was looking after. Oh my woof, I had a lovely time! I made some new friends (particularly a black Labrador) and had a fantastic day of playing out with other dogs. I was due home at 4.30 in the afternoon but, as ever, Alex hit a problem. Apparently it took him 40 minutes to get to his ‘meeting’ but coming home there was an accident on the M25 between junctions 6 and 5 (nope, it means nothing to me either!) and it took him over 3 hours to get home! When he got home he was definitely grumpy!! Richard came home from work a bit early so that I could be dropped home by Claire and it was ages and ages before Alex finally put in an appearance! Cathy had offered to look after me if Alex wasn’t home, but as it was going to be hours before he got there, it wouldn’t have been fair so Richard came home (he didn’t seem to mind being home early too much!). It didn’t really matter much anyway because I was completely ‘cream crackered’ and frankly just needed to push out an awful lot of ?s! Zena and Simon came down to see me in the evening, but I was so ‘cream crackered’ that I didn’t even have the energy to play with Zena! Sometimes, it is just all too much being a busy dog! Today, however, I am refreshed. I have had a good night’s sleep and I am ready for more fun. I’m going to take Alex out for a walk in a minute so, for now, must paws … ?