It’s not fair!

It’s not fair! I get the blame for everything and I’m sure it isn’t my fault. Frankly, this week there have been a few ‘incidents’ and I have got the blame for all of them. I think it’s him trying to find someone to blame. Apparently humans call it a scapegoat. Now I have looked this up on Fidopedia and there I have found several flaws in his approach. Firstly, I am not a goat. Secondly, it was invented way before I was born because it is actually described in some Jewish scriptures and they were definitely written before I was even a glint in my father’s eye. Thirdly, I am not Jewish (as Auntie Zena will attest to!). Apparently, according to Fidopedia, the scapegoat carried the sin of the people away with it, thereby cleansing Israel for another year. Well, if he thinks I’m going to carry his sin away, cleansing him for just one minute, he’s mistaken! It all started to go wrong on Sunday afternoon. I had been assisting him and Daddy Richard on the new allotment … although funnily enough after a short while Daddy Richard and him had a chat about something and the next thing I knew, Daddy Richard and I went for a walk. When we got back he had finished whatever it was he was doing – I saw absolutely no sign of any of his seeds coming up, so he clearly got that wrong – and he was in the garden with a hose. I saw this as my opportunity for a little drink, so I jumped up and drank the water. Apparently, this wasn’t right. He started moaning (as usual) that he was trying to water the plants. How was I supposed to know that? I got absolutely soaked! When I walked up to him and had a little shake … that was wrong too! I think he’s just a miserable old goat – see, I found other things about goats on the Tinterweb too!!!

On Monday the weather was definitely a bit cooler. Not that I minded, but he was moaning about it – he kept saying, “What a difference a day makes”. I think I may have mentioned this before but, he isn’t all that bright … about as bright as a candle outside at night on a windy winters’ day, if you get my gist. I mean, “What a difference a day makes”! How utterly ridiculous … of course a day makes a difference. A day is a very long time. I can’t believe he doesn’t know this but a day is 1,440 minutes and that’s ages! In fact, it is 86,400 seconds and that’s way more than I have toes to count on! Anyway, it did mean that our regular walk along Salisbury Road, Oxted Road, Church Lane and down Bay Pond path was done at a slightly faster pace in order that he could keep warm. He went off to London for one of his ‘meetings’ so I spent most of the day with Daddy Richard which was nice. In the evening when he was home, we walked past the White Hart. It looks really good now that the builders have finished. They weren’t the same builders as we had at home, but they have done a really good job and it looks fantastic. I don’t really remember that much about it when it was a Beefeater and I wasn’t allowed in anyway, but from what I can remember it was, frankly, a bit of a dump! I have watched the builders doing it up over the last few months and I think they have done a great job and they have been really courteous and considerate too. They didn’t do too much knocking down, but I don’t think Neil works for them!

On Tuesday I went to see Michael, my personal Doggy Doctor. Although I really like Michael and I did get some really nice treats whilst I was there, he did pull my other leg about a bit and he says that I am going to have to go and see my personal surgeon, Bonito de la Puerta, because he thinks I’m going to have to have my other hip done. I wasn’t very pleased about that at all! When we got home I met Hannah from ServiceMaster for the first time. I had heard about her before, but I hadn’t ever met her. ServiceMaster own the business that franchises Rosemary Bookkeeping, which they have invested in by starting another business … Oh, this is just way too complicated for a 2 year old, I’ve given up! The most important thing was that she brought me some really tasty treats and I got to eat the whole packet! On Wednesday morning he got up quite early and then disappeared. Apparently he had to go to this place called Brussels for the day for one of his ‘meetings’. I have looked Brussels up and I don’t think he was visiting some sprouts so it must have been Brussels that’s in Belgium. I don’t really know where Belgium is, but I know that it is further than Reigate Hill. Apparently you need a passport to go there and there aren’t many famous Belgians. All I know is that he had one of his ‘meetings’ there and he was gone all day! That had an up side and a down side. The upside was that I got to spend some quality time with Daddy Richard. The downside was a lack of treats. Daddy Richard doesn’t really give me treats and I rely on an unending supply of treats from him. Since he was in his ‘meeting’, I got no treats whatsoever all day! I did, however, have another ‘incident’. It wasn’t my fault though … honestly!

On Wednesday morning it was lovely and sunny and, since he wasn’t here, I took Daddy Richard for a walk down Salisbury Road, through Dewlands and Ryders Close and into Green Lane. It was when we were walking up Green Lane that the ‘incident’ occurred. You see, it’s like this. I was walking along off lead and, just where the fence is all broken to the field, I saw something out of the corner of my eye. It was right over the other side of the field. A quick sniff of the air and yep, it was confirmed … a rabbit! Well, obviously, all rabbits are to be chased. I mean, what else are rabbits for other than to be chased? I shot across the field at lightening speed. In fact, I was running faster than any dog has ever run before (in my humble opinion) and all I could hear in the distance was Daddy Richard shouting, “Monty! Come here Monty.” Well, there are times when one just has to make a decision … chase rabbit or run back to Daddy Richard. Option 1, chase rabbit. Option 2, return to Daddy Richard. Hmm, 1, 2, 1, 2, 1, 2 … Eventually, I detected just a hint of irritation in Daddy Richard’s voice (not something I am used to since it is usually him that does all the moaning) and I decided upon option 2 … not before Daddy Richard had called me about eighty twelve times though! When I got back I don’t think he was very pleased with me and he put my lead straight back on. I may have to reconsider this on the next sighting of a rabbit … either that or just make sure that I’m with him. Frankly, I don’t mind upsetting him!

On Thursday morning boy did I make him pay for not giving me any treats on Wednesday! I dragged him round like a freight train on speed! He was like a rag doll on the end of a bit of string dragging along behind me. And treats? Oh yes, I got treats all right! I made flamin sure I got treats every time I stopped pulling (which I have to admit wasn’t all that often) and, when I was having a little run around off lead, I kept coming back for a treat every few minutes! I’ve just had a thought … I wonder if there is any correlation between me stopping pulling and getting a treat? Nah, can’t be! Mind you, I think I’ll keep an eye on this one. We had only been back from our walk for a few minutes before I was bundled into the back of the car thingy and off we went. It turned out we were going to see my personal therapists at Hydro Hounds but when we got there we discovered that I hadn’t got an appointment, so we came home again (I did tell you that he isn’t very bright!). A bit later in the afternoon on Thursday he went out in the car thingy on his own. When he came back he only had Grandma with him! She had come back because they had to go to a funeral on Friday.

After Grandma arrived, he went out for yet another of this ‘meetings’. This time it must have been local because he wasn’t even going to take the car thingy, although he did because he wanted to go and buy some ‘Jersey Royals’. I have absolutely no idea what he was on about, but I’m pretty sure that you can’t buy Royals. I think they call that bribery and I reckon you’d get into pretty deep trouble for trying to bribe a Royal. I’m totally confused because, as far as I am aware, they don’t live in Jersey anyway. Anyway, he eventually came back but without the ‘Jersey Royals’ and then they both went out to look for them. Confused? Yep, me too! On Friday morning the weather was horrible. Daddy Richard went out for a ‘meeting’ (they’re ever so popular whatever they are!) and I took him for a walk up Green Lane. With all the rain on Thursday and Friday, it was a bit muddy but I didn’t mind. I was convinced I had seen a rabbit through the hedge too, but I looked and looked and it wasn’t there. I think they can disapparate and apparate just like they do in Harry Potter. I haven’t personally read Harry Potter because it hasn’t been translated into doggy yet (although it has been translated into 68 languages, so I’m sure it’ll happen sometime soon!) but I am led to believe it is the greatest work of fiction since William Shakespear (I’m not sure who he is either but all this Doogling is tiring my paws out!).

When we got back from our walk he got changed and then he and Grandma went out and left me on my own. Normally I would not have been happy about this but it wasn’t for long because Daddy Richard came home after only a short while (funny how that often happens … I’m left on my own and then, just by chance, someone comes along to keep me company!). They went off for their funeral thing but, before they went, I got given one of my favourite chews! You see, once again when Grandma arrived, I had hoped that Auntie Jo would be with her, but she wasn’t. Then, just as I was trying to hide my disappointment, Grandma said that Auntie Jo had send me a present. It was only my favourite duck chews! I did get into trouble though because he says I’ve got to wait until I’m given a chew and not steel them off the table. They’re my chews, why should I wait for him? If you look carefully, there’s even a photo of a doggy just like me on the front … although obviously not as handsome! In the end I had to wait for him because I just couldn’t get the packet open … there’s some kind of seal thingy that I haven’t yet got the hang of. Give me time though and, I reckon I’ll be able to get my treats without any necessity for him!

Last night we all went to Auntie Zena’s. They were having dinner but I had already had mine, so I got to spend some quality time with my best friend Jake! We had a lovely evening, but boy was I tired by the time we left. I snored all night!!! Today is another day of rather unpleasant weather. It is cold and gloomy outside! I did go for my wimming session this morning after a new appointment was made when he got it wrong on Thursday. After we got back I only went for a short walk but, since I was pretty tired anyway, it didn’t matter. I did manage to do a wonderful two bagger half way down Salisbury Road which seemed to be appreciated because he said, “Thanks Monty, that’s just what I needed!” When we got back he made some lunch (I don’t know what it was but it had leeks and potatoes in it and was all liquid, so I don’t think it can have been much good) and then we went out into the greenhouse because he had some ‘potting on’ (I’ve done enough Doogling for one day, I can’t be bothered) to do. Once again, I got into trouble. You see, I found this dustpan and brush that he keeps specially for the greenhouse. I made some much needed improvements to it because it had this stupid handle thing sticking out. It is totally unnecessary because I can pick it up from its side or even the front if I can manoeuvre it into the right position. All I did was improve the thing by chewing the handle off, but no, once again my efforts aren’t appreciated. Moan, moan, moan, moan, moan, that’s all he did. He was muttering something about, “This muddy dog’ll cost me a fortune”, or some such thing. I’m not actually sure he said ‘muddy’ because it sounded more like ‘mluddy’ and the ‘m’ sounded more like a ‘b’, but, frankly, I had given up listening by that point, so I’m not sure. Right now though I think I need a bit of a constitutional. I suppose I’ll have to take him with me but hopefully Daddy Richard will come too. I’m thinking Bay Pond path and back, just for a change. So, for now, must paws … ????