It just isn’t fair

It just isn’t fair! I want to go for a walk! Not these pathetic five minute walks in the garden which are basically designed to give me just time to poo before we go back inside – I want a proper walk! I’m not one to complain but … I don’t think he has quite got the message. I think I’m better. I don’t think he understands. I’m not even taking pain killers anymore! I stopped them last week – the first time I haven’t had pain killers since (well I can’t actually remember when) a very long time ago, long before I adopted the two of them. Actually, it’s quite nice not taking pain killers – my piece of ham or chicken or sausage or whatever tastes so much better without pain killer all over it. Oh yes, I’m still getting my treat after dinner … I’m not silly, I’m not giving that up any time soon. Actually I heard them discussing a plan to stop my treat after dinner the other evening, but I don’t think they realise just how much I’m going to bark if I don’t get it! I usually paws my dinner and have a jolly good bark just to remind them that I shall be requiring my treat, they’ve heard nothing like they will if they stop giving it to me!

Actually, talking of barking, we’ve had another of our little incidents related to barking. You see, I’m bored. When I’m bored I need something to do and I have found barking – particularly right in his face and even better if he is on the phone – to be a particularly effective way of getting attention! I appreciate that it isn’t always that convenient for me to have a jolly good bark, but I can hardly be expected to wait until he is ready, now can I? Anyway, it sort of went like this … he was having a bit of a bad day – the bank being particularly difficult about getting his money out of France, a million and one things to do, phone calls where I barked all the way through – that sort of trivial thing. Well I decided it was a good idea to have a jolly good bark in the middle of all of this. I categorically know now that this causes his stress levels to rise, so it seemed like fun! Well, the more stressed he got, the more and the louder I barked. The more and louder I barked, the more his stress levels rose! He ended up shouting at me, which even I will concede is not something he usually does. I’m guessing he’s finding this house confinement just nearly as bad as I am! (Obviously not as bad … he didn’t get his hip chopped about!)

So, he has finally come to the realisation that I react to his stress levels. Whoopie do! I think I may have mentioned this in the past, but he’s not very bright … comes from the shallow end of the gene pool, if you get my meaning. Not only has it taken him this long to work out that I react to his stress levels, but he’s only just worked out how important I am! He’s just worked out that without me he wouldn’t get to go on fabulous walks, he wouldn’t have learned anything about how to train a dog, he’d have a whole heap of money in his bank account he wouldn’t know what to do with, and he wouldn’t even have met his physiotherapist! He doesn’t even thank me for that either! Actually, he’s not very appreciative of half the things I do. Recently I had been feeling a little bunged up in the bottom department, if you get what I mean. He realised this because my bottom burps were getting louder, more pungent and more frequent as time went on. Eventually I got to the point where I felt a little movement was in order. I took him outside and spent a few minutes picking my spot. He was already moaning because it was raining and he was getting soaked. Anyway, having chosen my spot, I did a poo that, frankly, an elephant would be proud of! A full, and I do mean full, five bagger! Well, would you believe it, he only went and moaned about how long it took, how wet he was and how long it was going to take him to clean up! There really is no pleasing him sometimes. Mind you, I have to admit I did feel a whole lot better for it and my bottom burps returned to normal levels. Phew!

Since I last put paw to keyboard not a huge amount has happened because he won’t let me go out. There has been the odd little incident but nothing too serious. The other day he was making chutney from some apples that Bren had given him. Whilst he wasn’t looking, I might have jumped up and stolen one. This was not good on two counts apparently … apart from stealing an apple (it wasn’t very nice anyway because it was a cooking apple!), I’m not supposed to jump up at the moment. Then there was a small incident with his toast and marmite. That wasn’t my fault at all. He was eating his toast in the morning and I was watching BBC Breakfast, well it wasn’t my fault that I wagged my tail and knocked a whole lot of papers off the sofa that he was ‘dealing with’. When he got down on the floor to clear them up, it was hardly my fault that the marmite was just too tempting, so I stole the toast and ate it before he even realised what I had done. Actually, I had a lovely present from Lesley today. It is a sign that he claims says it all. I can’t read so I’m not sure exactly what it says, but it has a lovely picture on it and I know Lesley wouldn’t say anything bad about me! Obviously he hasn’t actually put it up yet but I managed to get a photo of it on our new granite tops in the kitchen. Did I mention that the kitchen is finished? (Apart from the decorating … obviously!) The next step will be to get new carpets in the lounge and the study, but that can’t happen before the decorating is finished.

So, life carries on. I am definitely fed up of being kept inside. We’ve had some lovely sunny days when I could have been outside and enjoying walks. We’ve had some even better wet days when I could have got really wet and muddy just to wind him up! We do have good days but, there are the odd bad days too. Last week he bought me some puzzles to occupy me. The idea is that he hides treats in various places within the puzzle and then I have to work out how to get them. I’m not sure if I should do, but I found biting and scratching to be quite successful. That said, he bought a ‘level 2’ puzzle (in the photo) and a ‘level 3’ puzzle which is much more difficult than the ‘level 2’ one. He timed me on the ‘level 3’ puzzle to see how long it would take me to get all the treats … 30 seconds! I found that if I kicked it enough and shook it around, the compartments would fall open and I could get the treats. He says I’m not supposed to do it that way but what is a dog supposed to do when something stands between him and a treat? The good news is that I’ve only got another two and a half weeks to go of this complete confinement, then I can start going out for some short walks. I think it will be a while before I can pass by Angela’s house and leave her a present, but it is something to look forward to.

Actually, I have quite a lot to look forward to. Going out for walks is clearly top of my list, but there are other things too. He says that when I’m properly better, I will be able to spend some quality time with my personal trainer, Amanda from Happy Buddies. He says that the first thing he is going to do is get me an appointment with my personal stylist, Chloe from Waggies of Godstone … he actually had the audacity to say that I stink of dog the other day! How very dare he! Then there are my personal therapists Emily and Katie at Hydro Hounds – apparently I’ll be able to go back and spend some quality time with them soon too. Then there’s Zena too – it is positively ages since I went to her house! He says that I get too excited and I’m not allowed to run around and jump yet (you wait ’till that time comes I’m gonna have a field day!). And then there’s my friend Myfanwy – I’ll be able to go and play with here again too. There’s so many people that I’ve missed too – I’ll be able to see them too. Then there’s all the other dogs I used to meet on my walks – I hope they’ll all still be about for me to see. I’ll be able to go on quality walks with Richard. I suppose I’ll have to take him out from time to time too. He’s still having treatment on his arm (the physiotherapist says he might need a minor operation if his shoulder doesn’t repair soon) so I suppose dragging him round Hilly Fields is probably out of the question. I’ve also had a bit of a Doogle to see if there are other walks around and, would you believe it, there are! Some of them do involve having to get in the dreaded car, but I’ve been having a bit of a sniff around it when I’ve been out the front looking at the gate and I think I’m going to have to get used to it. There is just too much out there that I want to explore and it looks like the car is going to be quite important for getting there. Anyway, I have just produced a truly stinky bottom burp and even I think I need to leave the room so, with that, must paws … ????