I know it has been a long time since I last put paw to keyboard and I am sorry about that. Quite honestly, I’ve been a bit busy … I’ll come to that in a moment … and for those that have complained, I’m sorry but putting paw to keyboard does sometimes have to take a bit of a back seat. Now, I suppose I had better start where I left off. If you recall, the last time I put paw to keyboard it had been Daddy Richard’s birthday on the Saturday. In the evening Nana, Grandad, Special Auntie Alison (she’s Daddy Richard’s sister) and her husband Special Uncle Freddie, Daddy Richard and him all went out for dinner and left me at home to guard the house. Personally, I think I did an excellent job but, as usual, he has been moaning. You see, he hasn’t been able to find his car key ever since they went out for dinner to celebrate Daddy Richard’s birthday. Now … I’m not saying I was responsible, and I’m not saying I wasn’t but, apparently, he thinks he left the car key on the bed when he changed his trousers (what a stupid place to leave it!) and he hasn’t seen it since. Of course he has accused me of everything ranging from eating it (has he tried eating a car key? I ha…….., hmm anyway), he’s accused me of hiding it (as if I would do a thing like that!), he’s accused me of burying it in the garden (well, that’s completely ridiculous because I was inside the house with no way into the garden!). I’m not saying if I know anything about it’s whereabouts but even if I did I certainly wouldn’t tell him!
On Sunday morning we went out and had a walk around at Mercer’s Park. It’s quite nice wandering around the lake and, where there was a good piece of open grass, I had a jolly good run about. It was on the way home that another little ‘incident’ occurred. Daddy Richard spotted that there was an open garden with the NGS in Bletchingley (the NGS or National Gardens Scheme is a scheme whereby owners of particularly nice gardens can open them to the public for charity). He guessed who’s garden it would be and they decided to visit because they have been there before. Anyway, we got there and it was all very nice and all that, but Sunday was also jolly hot! When we came across a big pond in the middle of the garden I thought I’d have a dip, but he wouldn’t let me. He is always such a spoil sport! Anyway, as we walked out of the garden having had a good walk around, I spotted another pond. Ha! He wasn’t so flamin’ quick this time! I dived straight in! It made quite a splash and as he was on the other end of the lead, he nearly went in with me! As usual he was moaning about “that ruddy dog” and how I was now all wet. Well, I know I was wet, that was the point of it! When he was moaning about the ‘incident’ to my friend Auntie Sue later in the day, she said, “Well, he is a dog!” (she understands me!), but what did he say? “There were loads of other dogs there too, but they didn’t find the need to jump in a blinking pond!” (Actually, I’m not sure he did say “blinking” and I think there might have been another unnecessary word in from of “dogs” too, but you get my gist!)
We made our way back to towards the car, but I really didn’t fancy getting back into that really hot car thingy. I waited until he had opened the car windows and doors and then insisted on a drink before we got into the car thingy. Fortunately, (and I don’t know how this happens), it seemed that a bowl of fresh water had conveniently found its way into the back of the car thingy, so I was able to avail myself of this whilst I waited for the car thingy to cool down a bit. I was a bit damp in the lower quarters but I hadn’t managed to get my whole coat under the water before I was unceremoniously hoiked out of the pond! Now, the astute amongst my wonderful fans may have noticed something … we were out in the car thingy but the car key was missing! It transpires he has a spare key for the car thingy, so he has been using that recently. As an update at the time of putting paw to keyboard, he still hasn’t found it. Somewhat out of chronological sequence here, but I saw my personal surgeon, Bonito de la Puerta, this morning who is definitely going to chop me about a bit again but not until later in the year. He explained to him that he will need to do more x-rays to take exact measurements for my next new hip and I’m sure I heard him mutter something like, “Maybe you’ll find my car key whilst you’re at it!”. Anyway, that won’t be happening for a while yet because my personal surgeon, Bonito de la Puerta, says that I can have the summer to run around before I have it done.
Returning to the last week or so, as luck would have it, he trotted off to one of his ‘conferences’ on Tuesday. This time he had to take an airyplane (or whatever it’s called) very early on Tuesday morning. He got up at 5 o’clock in the morning because his flight was at twenty past seven in the morning. Daddy Richard got up and took him to the airport but I certainly wasn’t going to get up at that unearthly hour, so I stayed at home and continued pushing out ????s. He went to some place called ‘Monaco’ which I have subsequently learned by doing a bit of Doogling (don’t tell him I was remotely interested!) is a ‘Principality’ between Italy and France on the Mediterranean Sea. Anyway, according to Fidopedia, it is really, really expensive and he says it is really, really expensive (£18 for a cup of coffee!) and full of dogs, but they’re all ‘toy’ breeds and most get ‘walked’ by professional dog walkers who wander around in uniforms with about a dozen dogs at a time! Doesn’t sound like my kind of place at all. Anyway, it meant that I got to spend some quality time with Daddy Richard which was nice. He reckoned that when he got there he was working straight away and then he had to attend some awards event that didn’t finish until one in the morning so he was really tired. ‘Awards dinner’! I’ve heard it all now!!!!
Getting to spend some quality time with Daddy Richard meant that I could go on walks without the encumbrance of him tagging along and spoiling the fun! We went for a lovely early morning walk up Green Lane on Tuesday morning. The sun was just coming out and everything smelt so lovely. Apparently, humans get ‘stung’ by the stinging nettles, but I don’t even notice them. They have grown quite high in Green Lane recently, but I can’t honestly say that they bother me at all. Mind you, on the last occasion I took him up there, he was moaning about them because he got stung. Now, I’m not sure if I’ve ever mentioned this before but he isn’t all that clever … makes a goldfish look positively genius if you get my drift! Anyway, if we are going for a walk where there are loads of stinging nettles or other things that might not be that pleasant, it doesn’t take a flamin’ goldfish to work out that it isn’t all that wise to wear shorts and a short sleeved shirt does it? I know it was hot, but there are streams and things to jump in if he’s that hot! Anyway, back to my quality time with Daddy Richard … we had a lovely time on Tuesday and then I discovered that he wasn’t coming home on Tuesday evening so I got to spend the evening with Daddy Richard too. It was rather lovely, although I am pretty sure that if he had been at home he would have moaned about the smell of the smoked haddock that Daddy Richard had for dinner. He can’t stand smoked food and particularly smoked haddock and it didn’t half honk a bit! Daddy Richard really enjoyed it thought because he loves smoked haddock and rarely gets it. I didn’t get any which was a bit of a shame because that smell of fish did rather set the taste buds going but Daddy Richard ate it all for himself! On Wednesday morning I got up and discovered that he still wasn’t coming home. Joy!!!
On Wednesday morning I got to take Daddy Richard down to The Green and I had a jolly good run around there before we did an ‘Ivy Mill Close’ and ‘Bell Meadow’ which is not one of our most popular walks (not much to sniff and all pavements) but it is quite nice for a change after a jolly good run about on The Green! In the afternoon though, things did go down hill a bit. You probably won’t believe this … I mean, I didn’t believe it! It only turned out that Daddy Richard was going off to a ‘conference’. I am not sure I understand this ‘conference’ lark. I mean he goes off and talks at one (I still can’t get over the fact that anyone would want to listen to him!) and then Daddy Richard goes off and attends one! Apparently Daddy Richard didn’t need a fairyplane (or whatever it’s called) because he went to a place called Leicester which he says isn’t very much like Monaco. Anyway, that left me with a bit of a quandary because I was going to be on my own. I decided that the best thing I could do was to take myself off to my country retreat and take up an executive suite there. I wasn’t over keen really. I mean, it wasn’t that I haven’t been before, or that I don’t like it there, but I had been planning on a lot more quality time with Daddy Richard and I couldn’t believe that he would prefer to go to a conference rather than spend time with me!
He eventually returned home on Thursday evening. Daddy Richard also arrived home on Thursday evening but they were both too late to collect me from my country retreat, so I stayed until Friday morning. He moaned that it was “knackering” in Monaco (not from what I saw!) with his ‘awards dinner’ not finishing until 1am and then having to get up at 6.30am to be ready for the ‘conference’ then all day in the conference, straight into a ‘Board Meeting’ when the ‘conference finished’ then straight into the evening reception, then getting to bed at gone midnight and getting up again at 6.30am on Thursday morning, doing the conference all day and then getting a dairyplane (or whatever it’s called) back at 9.30pm and arriving home at 11.30pm! I don’t know what he was moaning about … all the evidence I saw was that there wasn’t a lot of ‘working’ going on. He ‘claims’ to have been working but I’m beginning to for a theory on this ‘conference’ lark. I reckon it’s just an excuse for going off and having a jolly good time without me! I don’t think it is anything like a ‘bark fest’ that we have in the doggy world. That’s a proper discussion forum where we bark about important topics like ‘Which is better, eating horse poo or rolling in fox poo?’ (my personal opinion is that there is no contest because I don’t like rolling in fox poo!). We also get to debate the merits of our humans in a proper bark fest – mind you, I’m afraid on merits I don’t have much to contribute!
Having returned home on Friday I spend a quiet day reflecting on the last week. There were no new ‘incidents’ … well apart from the ‘case of the missing shoe’ but it turned up in the conservatory with only a little doggy slobber on it. On Saturday morning I decided that I would take them over Hilly Fields. I decided that a reverse Hilly Fields was in order, so I took them down the High Street, through Tylers Close and into Tylers Close field where I had a jolly good run about. Then it was through the kissing gate and down the muddy path to the top of The Hollow. He let me walk off lead still, but I don’t think that is going to happen again. When I got to the top of The Hollow I decided to pop across the Haul Route and see what was in the field opposite. Apparently this didn’t go down well. All I could hear was “Monty! Come Monty!! Come back now Monty!!!!” When I did decide to go back to see what all fuss was about, I got a right telling off about lorries and the Haul Route and crossing roads. I don’t know what he was on about … I didn’t see any flamin’ lorries but although I have been back there since, I haven’t been allowed off lead! Mind you, you know what they’re like – both suffer from CRAFT (Can’t Remember A Flamin’ Thing) – so I don’t think my days off the lead at that particular location are necessarily over.
When we got back on Saturday, they went off again and left me to guard the house. They were all excited about buying some ‘Alfonso’ Mangos. I have no real idea what that is, but they wanted to make a ‘mango salsa’ and, according to him the ‘Alfonso’ ones are the best that you can buy. (Mind you, with his record of cooking, I wouldn’t rely on that!) They came back all excited about these mangos and made their salsa. He made a marinade for the meat and they decided to make a salad with the lettuce he has grown in the garden. Imagine how I laughed when he walked in with two lettuces and they were both full of slugs and ants! I’ve always said that nothing he grows is worth eating and now I’ve been proved right! He was furious and said some very colourful words! I laughed my paws off, but I kept it to myself because he really didn’t look very happy! They eventually salvaged enough leaves to make a salad and so he did his cooking thing – I don’t know whether it was any good but they both seemed quite pleased with it, so I suppose it was at least edible. They both moaned about some stupid ‘World Cup’ which they say they are not the slightest bit interested in and ended up watching a film called ‘Sully’ – apparently it was really quite good!
Sunday was ‘Father’s Day’ apparently. Well, I didn’t get them anything … I did try to bring a stone in from outside but they didn’t want it. We all piled into the car thingy and went off. It turned out we were going to visit Grandad. I’m afraid there was a minor incident whilst we were there. It wasn’t my fault. I was bored. Nobody was paying me enough attention and anyway, what do you expect if you leave a rather tasty shoe by the back door? You see, he was trying to help Grandad with a little problem with a controller for Nana and Grandad’s new shower (why Grandad thought he would be any use is beyond me!) and Richard was talking to Nana, so I was bored. I was just passing the time wandering around and I found Grandad’s shoes. I don’t know why he needs two anyway! I might have sort of picked one up and sort of given it a jolly good chew. And it might have sort of ended up with lots of doggy slobber all over it and a slight rip … but I can hardly be held responsible for that, now can I! Anyway, that’s about it for now. This week as been quite busy already, but I’ll tell you about that the next time I put paw to keyboard. Frankly, at this stage, my paws are quite tired and I told you loads now too! For now, I am going to go and push out a few ????s, so as they say, must paws … ????
