Happy Christmas

What else is there to say! Happy Christmas! Feliz Navidad, Joyeaux Noel, Fijne Kerstdagen, Feliz Natal, Frohe Weihnachten, Gleedelig Jal, Nadolig Llawen, क्रिसमस की शुभकामना and, of course, สุขสันต์วันคริสมาส. Ok, I’ll be honest, I haven’t quite mastered writing in Hindi yet, or for that matter, Thai, so I looked them up on Doogle. Doogle, as I am pretty sure everyone in the whole wide world knows, is the search engine from the doggie world that is far superior but upon which the human version rather unimaginatively called Google is based. Apparently the human version is based on the word Googol which just stands for a single digit followed by a hundred zeros … and here’s the really funny thing – the reason it is called ‘Google’ is because the stupid human search engine spelt the word wrongly when they tried to find out what it was! Doogle is a far cleverer play on words … obviously! Dougal is based on Dougal from a Magical Enchanted Village which is all looked after by a friendly wizard called Zebedee and has endless possibilities for things to happen – it certainly isn’t limited to one hundred zeros and it isn’t a spelling error either! Do you know, the human world is such a limited one really. In my experience – which is quite a lot now because I’m going to be three in February! It isn’t just Doogle that is far superior, there’s the language too. We only have to bark in one language and every doggie in the world understands it … look at the number of languages I had to use just to say Happy Christmas and, I limited it to those languages used by my fans around the world and didn’t bother with all the hundreds of other languages that exist.

Well, would you believe it, after my rather fabulous run around in Manor Park in Whyteleafe last week, we ended up at Reigate Hill on the Sunday. I had a luvely run around on Reigate Hill and it was all deliciously muddy and I got covered in mud and muddy water which, obviously, I then shared with him and Daddy Richard by having a jolly good shake before we got back to the car thingy. They didn’t seem quite as keen on it as me! I was very good and I jumped into the back of the car without even being asked! It appears that that wasn’t right either – just because the back of the car is now rather muddy, that’s hardly my fault! I didn’t put the flamin’ mud on Reigate Hill did I? And anyway, what’s all the fuss about? It’s only a bit of mud! And it didn’t end there either. We got home and they marched me straight through the house and out into the garden. I wasn’t quite sure what was going on until he shoved a hose in my face. Fortunately, they had at least had the courtesy to make sure it was warm water! I’m not sure I like him being given the responsibility of the hose though. It didn’t matter how much I tried to escape, or how much I shook, he still kept hosing me down!

Daddy Richard had the shampoo in his hand too. I flamin’ guessed what was going to happy next and I was right! With him aiming the hose at me and Daddy Richard applying the shampoo, it was a right old palava! Eventually, when they had washed all the mud away (which was not in my plan at all!), we moved onto the next stage … drying. He tried to towel me dry. Honestly! Does he think I was born yesterday? Every time he tried to rub me with a towel, I grabbed it and shook it before I tried to run off with it! After about 10 minutes of this game, he gave up. (He’s really no good at these games – you have to persevere to get the most out of them!) He went off and came back with a hair dryer. I’m rather partial to a bit of hair drying – when I go for my wimming sessions at Hydro Hounds I get a bit of a blow from my personal therapists, Emily, Katie and Stef. Anyway, as you would expect, he was rubbish at it. He claimed that trying to hold me in one hand, hold a hair dryer in the other and a phone in the other (so that he could get photos) was all too difficult so I had to get Daddy Richard to do it. He was much better at it than him and so I lay down and just enjoyed the moment. It took quite a while for me to get dry but I didn’t mind having a good old blow with a blast of warm air. What I didn’t know was that this wasn’t going to be the only time I would get a good blast with a hair dryer this week but more of that in a moment or six.

As the week went on, things reverted to their normal pattern. He kept going off claiming to be doing that ‘work’ thing that he does. Even Daddy Richard claimed to be ‘working’ sometimes. I spent much of my time looking for things to steal and hide but they seem to be getting better at putting things just out of my reach. On Tuesday morning the door bell went and you’ll never guess who was there … it was only my friend Charlie’s dad!! I call him Uncle Norman but I’m not sure if he’s my real uncle or not. I don’t think so though because having done a bit of Doogling in my spare time, I have been looking at relationships and if Uncle Norman was my actual uncle then Charlie would be my cousin and I don’t think he is. Anyway, it was luvely to see him and, although Charlie wasn’t with him, I could definitely smell him which was nice! When Uncle Norman went, he went off to do that ‘work’ thing and Daddy Richard went shopping. I’ve noticed that quite often when he goes off to do that work thing, Daddy Richard nips off to the shops! I’m quite happy though, I don’t mind my own company and it gives me an opportunity to go off and explore for things to steal and hide!

On Tuesday I got a bit of a shock. Not only had I seen Charlie’s dad in the morning but when he came home from doing his ‘work’ thing, we all got into the car thingy and went off. The last couple of times we’ve been out in the car thingy we’ve actually been somewhere nice, so I wasn’t keen but I wasn’t too reluctant either. Off we went and as soon as I got out of the car I knew exactly where we were … we were only at Hydro Hounds! That meant that I was going to get a wimming session with my personal therapists Katie, Stef and Emily!!! I do love my wimming sessions and they’ve got a proper hair dryer, not that rather small thing that Daddy Richard had been using on me. I had a luvely time in my wimming session and I was quite sad when it finished. But then I got a bit of pampering from my personal therapists and I forgot about being sad. When I got out of my session both Daddy Richard and him were waiting for me and we all got back in the car thingy and went home.

It has been quite a while since I’ve been for my wimming sessions and I had forgotten how bushed I would be. We got home and it was all that I could do to keep my eyes open until eventually … ????! I had done four minutes in my wimming session which might not sound much but it is! It takes months of perseverance to get to about ten or twelve minutes and I haven’t been for ages because of my operation! He went straight into his study and pretended to do that ‘work’ thing so I just lay my head down and pushed out a few ????s … well actually, quite a lot of them! It wasn’t until Wednesday morning that I had fully recovered all my energy. Daddy Richard had gone off for one of his breakfasts meetings and he was going off to one of his ‘clients’ later, but I did manage to take him out for a walk before he went. The one thing I like about having to walk with him (I always try to look on the bright side of life – there should be a song about that … oh there is!) is that I usually get a decent walk. Usually up Oxted Road and Church Land and then down Bay Pond Path – it’s 2 miles which is just right for me!

So I found myself once again walking up Oxted Road. As has often happened recently I found myself rather drawn to a stick. He says I’ve got to give up the sticks but it isn’t as easy as all that. Giving up isn’t all that easy. There’s just too much temptation! I don’t know why he thinks it should be so easy – it took him 35 years to give up smoking! And I have never smoked! I’m trying to cut down on the sticks but it is very difficult. I don’t think they do patches for giving up sticks and I’m definitely not going for hypnotism, you never know what they might uncover! I’ve seen some stuff on Pooch-tome about finding something to replace the sticks with so that I don’t think about them so much, but I can’t really think of anything that is so satisfying. I saw someone saying they had replaced this sticks with balls but that is not an option … I have a bit of a history with balls and it isn’t all that good! I think I’m just going to have go on trying to cut down!

On Friday as we had a little wander down Bay Pond Path and it was rather nice to see that the swan is back no the pond. It has been quite some time since we’ve had a swan on the pond. There used to be two swans and then another swan came but only for a little while because he was intruding on their relationship (I think) so he went. Then the two swans went and then there were no swans. Then another swan came but then he left and there were none again. Then finally another swan came but he’s been living on the feeder pond and he has only moved onto the main pond in the last week. The only thing with the swans is that they aren’t all that friendly. If you get too close to them they do rather hiss and swear a bit which isn’t all that nice. Actually talking of swearing, I would like to register a complaint – you may well already be ahead of me here, but it concerns him. I was good enough to take him for a walk on Saturday morning whilst Daddy Richard went shopping. As we were walking along Church Lane I felt the call of nature. I produced a stunning two bagger which had an aroma to be proud of. He, of course, was moaning about it and muttering something about it being a good job it’s winter because the residents wouldn’t want to open their windows for a fortnight. But it was when we got home that the incident occurred …

He went into his study to do some ‘work’ so I thought I’d join him and see if there was something I could steal and hide all I could find was a pair of his glasses. Not really much of a find but it was all I could see. That was when he started. Honestly, the language! Talk about turn the air blue!! I think he turned it purple! It didn’t end there though, oh no. Just as I had given him his glasses back and he had washed them and put them just out of my reach, I found the need to let out a little bottom burp. OK, I admit that his study isn’t all that big a space to allow the aroma to dissipate but that’s hardly my fault. And I’ll admit that it was a particularly pungent bottom burp, but there was no need for that kind of language. I learned words that I have never heard before … and when I tried to find them on Doogle I found that there were warnings everywhere about ‘adult content’. I really don’t think a dog of my cal-eye-ber should have to put up with such disgusting outbursts! I’d have covered my ears if only my paws would reach that far! I admit that even I didn’t feel particularly inclined to go back into the study for a while but I don’t see what he was complaining about. He started doing that ‘cooking’ thing he’s so bad at. He seems to enjoy it but the amount of practice he does clearly demonstrates that he’s rubbish at it!

He spent all day in the kitchen cooking. He was cooking food for Auntie Zena’s Christmas do which was in the evening. Daddy Richard came home from the shops with even more food for him to destroy. He made (well, when I say made, I really mean that this was what it was supposed to be!) chicken tikka, chicken satay and satay sauce, Spanish tortilla and then there was stuffing for the turkey, cranberry sauce … I’ve heard that Waitrose make a perfectly good cranberry sauce, so I have no idea why he felt the need to make some … and he even started making breadcrumbs to make bread sauce with! There was only a brief respite from all this cooking (I use the term exceedingly loosely!) and we all got into the car thingy and went off to Manor Park in Whyteleafe. Oh my woof, I had such a luvely time!!! I practically dragged him straight out of the car and off into the park so that I could run around. I ran and ran and ran and explored everything there! By the time we got back to the car thingy after all that running around I was completely cream crackered!

On Saturday night I was very brave. They went off to Auntie Zena’s house for her Christmas party but I stayed at home on guard. There are very slippery floors at Auntie Zena’s and nobody wants to take any risks with my latest new hip so they didn’t take me this time. Mind you, I am not sure that I would have wanted to anyway. It strikes me that there was an awful lot of incohol involved. Judging by the swaying when they got back, I’d say they had definitely had a bit of electric soup! And I saw a photo of Uncle Simon standing there with about a million bottles of something in his arms, so I reckon he’s going to have a very merry Christmas. I was quite happy anyway, it gave me an opportunity to spend a little ‘me’ time thinking up some new games. I’m afraid that some of my existing games have become rather stayed in recent times. I’m having real trouble getting stones into the house nowadays and my game of throwing stones at the doors doesn’t seem to be getting the results I had rather hoped. I’ve got a feeling that my games of steal and hide aren’t going to last that much longer either. They are starting to know my hiding places and finding new places to hide things takes a considerable amount of research and is becoming increasingly difficult. But have no fear, a little me time has resulted in me having a few new games up my sleeve as it were (I don’t actually have sleeves, but you get my gist!).

Yesterday afternoon I got the best Christmas present any dog could possibly have … I bumped into my bestest friend in the whole wide world, Jake! I wasn’t expecting to see him and I was out with Daddy Richard, Nana and him – Nana and Grandad have come to stay for Christmas – and just as we got to the bottom of Bay Pond Path on our way up to the church to see the Christmas tree festival, I saw him … he was walking towards us! I couldn’t believe my luck. Fortunately he had the forethought to let me off the lead to run towards my bestest friend in the whole wide world which was handy because I would probably have ripped his arm off. I ran up to my bestest friend in the whole wide world and I was sooooo excited! It turned out that Auntie Zena, Auntie Zena’s mum, Uncle Simon and Jake’s sister Seanne were all there too but, to be honest, I wasn’t really interested in them. I ran up and down and round and round and I jumped up and lay on the ground, it was fab-you-luss!! I haven’t been able to play with my bestest friend in the whole wide world for ages and ages and ages. I don’t know when I’ll be able to go to his house an play with him again … probably about Julember knowing my luck. Anyway, it was really, really good to see him.

So, here we are, Christmas Day. The day that everything has been leading up to for the last month – actually in some places for about the last 6 months! We’ve all got up, been out for a walk and now I’m just putting my paws up whilst he cooks (I use the term loosely) the Christmas dinner. I’m not too concerned though because I’m almost certain I’m going to get something out of this. Actually, I’ve already done pretty well coz I’ve had quite a few treats this morning. I’ve opened my presents too and I’ve had some lovely things too. I got some great chews and a special hook for my lead, I’ve got some brilliant bone chews, some new toys and I’ve still got one present to go! He says I can’t open that one until a bit later on because I might get too excited, so I’ve got to wait. I don’t really mind too much though because I’ve had an absolutely bwilliant time with the paper! He is still cooking the dinner and Daddy Richard is on his fourth sherry, so I think it’s going to be a pretty merry Christmas Day! Mind you, I think it’s about time that I took them out for a short walk – I feel a constitutional coming on! So, once again my loyal and faithful fans, must paws … ????

Happy Christmas!