Flamin’ heck it’s windy!

Flamin’ heck it’s windy today … and I don’t just mean the weather. The weather though has been horrible all day with strong gusts of wind, rain and just not very nice. Added to this, I think I must have eaten something coz I’ve been rather windy myself today. I’ve produced quite a number of bottom burps and some of them have been ones to be proud of! When I took him out for a walk this morning all he did was moan because he was down wind of me! Mind you, that’s hardly anything new – all he ever does is moan. We did see something very unusual this morning in Church Lane though … Ecilop people!! We were just wandering down Church Lane and I was having a jolly good sniff of all the messages when along came a Ecilop car with two Ecilop people in it. They asked him if he walked that way regularly. Well anyone with even the tiniest modicum of intelligence (which, let’s face it, excludes him!) knows that Church Lane is one of my preferred routes and where I sniff a lot of messages. Apparently, it turns out there were some burglaries in the area last night and the Ecilop people wanted to know if we had seen anything unusual. Would you believe it, we didn’t walk that way yesterday! He did suggest he knew where they might find the culprits but apparently they need something called evidence before they arrest someone! Apparently they aren’t called Ecilop either but how was I supposed to know. When I’m in the car thingy I look out of the front and when I’ve looked in the mirror at the car behind me, it definitely said ECILOP!

The last week has been a bit of a week one way and another. I’ve seen quite a lot of Auntie Sue which is nice. She makes a fuss or me and I always take her a present when she arrives. On the food front it hasn’t been so great. ever since I mentioned in my Glog that Daddy Richard gives me his plate to lick after he’s finished with it he’s started not doing it! If I bark and bark as loudly as I can directly in his ear, I sometimes get it but otherwise not a flamin’ sniff! Mind you, I’m not over bothered … he has been doing the cooking every night and we all know how rubbish he is at that! On Monday he went off to one of his ‘clients’ and came home stinking of Radar, Reggie, Ronnie and Roxy! Honestly, he thinks I don’t know but I flamin’ well do! He was there twice this week too – he can’t fool me. Apparently Radar had found the manure heap on the farm where he lives and had a jolly good roll in it – they even get to have better fun that I do with him!! If I rolled in a manure heap you can just imagine how much twubble I’d be in!!!!!

On Tuesday he went off to another ‘client’ and came home smelling of Cush. I’m getting just a little tired of his games and I think I’m going to have to have a woof in his ear! Wednesday was very much a repeat of Monday – all I know is that he came home smelling of Roxy and Radar and Reggie and Ronnie. I mean, I wouldn’t mind (well, actually I would!) but four of them! That’s adding insult to injury if ever anything did!! I mean, don’t misunderstand me, I know he always comes home to me at night and I do appreciate that Radar is cute and fluffy and very young … and I get it that Roxy is very beautiful and that Reggie and Ronnie are lovely too, but none of that excuses him from keep coming home having obviously been playing with them! He claims that he’s working and that they just happen to be there but I’m not so sure. It is a bit of a coincidence that everywhere he goes there just ‘happens’ to be another dog and he just ‘happens’ to come home smelling of them. I mean, it isn’t that I’m jealous because that would be silly … if they can put up with him they’re welcome to him … but it’s the lack of loyalty that I don’t like. It’s all right for them – they get him for a few hours and then he goes home. I have to put up with him all the time and that’s just a whole different kettle of frogs!

Thursday was another one of those days too. Auntie Sue popped in because she’d found a problem with something he’d done for her – I could have told her that using him to do anything generally results in a problem! Then he had one of his ‘conference calls’ which I find particularly boring and usually amuse myself by barking all the way through them but instead I went out for a walk with Auntie Sue and Daddy Richard. Then he went off to see a ‘client’ so I spent a bit more quality time with Daddy Richard. He eventually came back and I was immediately bundled into the car thingy with absolutely no grace whatsoever. We went straight off to my wimming session. I knew it was my wimming session because I know where we go nowadays and, as soon as I worked out that we were heading for Coulsdon I knew we were off to Hydro Hounds! Although I enjoyed it – I always do – it was a little bit sad too. Thursday was my last wimming session! I’ve been going there for almost two years apart from when I had had my operations and I love Emily and Katie and Sarah and now it has come to an end. The good news is that that means I’m fixed. The bad news is that I’m going to miss my personal therapists Emily, Katie and Sarah but he has promised that if they’re at any doggy events promoting Hydro Hounds I can go along and see them. I can go and stand there and tell people how nice they are!!!

Having said goodbye to my personal therapists at Hydro Hounds, we went off to Purley where he is having treatment for his neck. I was going to have a little walk with Daddy Richard but the weather was so flamin’ awful that we ended up sitting in the car. When he re-appeared we just went home. As soon as we got in, he started that cooking thing he does. I couldn’t work out quite why he was cooking such large quantities of stuff – I mean, nobody in their right mind is going to be coming back for seconds! It turned out though that it wasn’t just for the two of them. Everything was bubbling away (chicken stew and the base for a cottage pie) and he went off out again. When he came home a little while later he wasn’t on his own … Grandma had come to visit!!! I was really pleased to see her and it was all very exciting. I did look behind her to see if Auntie Jo had come too, but she hadn’t. I haven’t seen her for ages and ages and ages!! She sends me presents sometimes and he says she has sent hugs but it isn’t the same as when she comes to see me. But it was great to see Grandma! In fact, I got to spend some quality time with her in the evening because he went off with Uncle Simon to a ‘meeting’ about Uncle Simon’s flat or something – I’m not really sure but it wasn’t about me so I’m not really interested.

On Friday it was called ‘Malc’s Day’. It was Uncle Malcolm’s funeral. I didn’t go to the crematorium – I stayed at home and looked after the house. When they came back though I went to the pub where there were about a gazillion people there to celebrate Uncle Malc’s life. There was food and drink and I was really, really good. I didn’t bark and, although I did try to get at the food, I didn’t really get too upset when I couldn’t get at it. Mind you, it was quite nice to spend a bit of time away from him. I spent loads of time with my bestest friend in the whole wide world, Jake. And I spent time with Auntie Zena and Uncle Simon and some with Daddy Richard and with Nana and Grandad who were there too. In fact, I didn’t have to spend too much time with him at all and, when I did, he gave me a couple of chicken nuggets so that was OK too! I do think that Auntie Sue and him drank at least their own bodyweight in wine though – in the evening when Nana and Grandad came back too, they all forced down the cottage pie that he cooked the previous evening and, having had dinner, both Auntie Sue and him fell asleep on the sofa having drunk enough wine to take a bath in.

I suppose they might have been a bit tired too – there were so many people at the pub and for Auntie Sue it must have been exhausting having to talk to everyone. Quite apart from Grandma and Nana and Grandad, there was Auntie Fran and Uncle Iain and Neil was there (he’s the one who knocks houses about) and Kevin (he’s the one who puts them back together again) and Auntie Sally and Cousin Jim and loads and loads of people! I didn’t know everyone but by the time we left, most of them knew me!!! On Saturday morning they all went off to see some flats with Grandma and then they went to see Granny Joan (she’s Auntie Sue’s mum and she lives in a lovely home in Oxted). Grandma liked where Granny Joan lives and she thinks she might like to find out a little more about it. Then, in the afternoon, Auntie Sue, Daddy Richard and him came out with me for a walk at Kenley Aerodrome. We weren’t going to go there but when Grandma said she was a bit too tired to come out for a walk and they all decided that Manor Park might be a bit wet, they decided to go there instead. When we got there they decided that they wouldn’t walk all the way around the 2 mile perimeter but, in the end they did. We met loads of other dogs and I reckon I ran at least twice the distance they walked!

This morning Daddy Richard wasn’t too keen on walking up Oxted Road with the wind like it was so I just went out with him. Actually, apart from moaning about the wind … and my wind … he wasn’t too badly behaved today. He was even quite polite to the ECILOP people and didn’t moan. When we got about half way down Bay Pond Path he kept saying ‘who’s there’ and pointing. I looked but I couldn’t see what he was making so much fuss about. Eventually, just to humour him, I ran ahead and … you won’t believe this … Daddy Richard appeared out of nowhere! I’m sure he wasn’t there before! He says I’ve got terrible eyesight but I’m not the one wearing glasses! Anyway we walked the rest of the way down Bay Pond Path and stopped off to talk to a few people on the way before we eventually got home. Then, we hadn’t been home long before Grandma started getting her coat on (it takes a while!) and then Daddy Richard and him got their coats on and he got my lead. We went outside and I jumped into the car thingy and we all went out in it. We went to Oxted and had a look from the outside of the place where Granny Joan lives and then walked along a footpath towards Oxted. I had to stop and wait for Grandma a few times but then I worked out that she is 581 years old in doggy years so she can’t be expected to run as fast as me! When we got to the end of the footpath he went back and got the car and came and picked Grandma up whilst I walked with Daddy Richard to Morrisons where Grandma and him had gone to buy food or something. It wasn’t for me, so I’m not interested really. We were waiting for them outside and loads of people came up and told Daddy Richard that I am good looking. I am, of course, the handsomest dog in dogdom but they’re human so I have to excuse them for not knowing. Talking of excusing, I’ve just done another pungent bottom burp and I know he‘s about to start moaning about it so I’m not taking any risks, I’m off – so for now, must paws … ????