Flamin’ heck it’s bin hot!!

I’m not usually one to complain about the weather but flamin’ heck it’s bin hot! I mean, I don’t mind it being warm but that was a bit hot. I’ve got a flamin’ great hairy coat that I can’t take off! Humans can take their clothes off, I can’t. And quite frankly I’ve recently seen more parts of them that are usually covered up than any dog should have to! Who’s idea was it to cut the legs off a pair of trousers and call them shorts! To be perfectly honest, it’s been too hot to put paw to keyboard and, although it has cooled down a bit now, it is still warm enough. The worse part about it being hot was the fact that I only go one walk a day. We went out early in the morning and then that was it, we couldn’t go out again because it was too flamin’ hot and, quite apart from the heat of the sun, the ground was too hot for my paws! Mind you, when the weather finally broke on Thursday afternoon, guess who was out when it rained? Yep, it was him. Apparently, (I didn’t see this unfortunately, but I have heard about it), he was getting out of his car when it started to really pour down. He ran from his car to the office he was visiting which was literally only about 30 metres and, by the time he got there, he was so wet that they said it looked like he had just taken a bath fully clothed. His shirt was so wet that someone actually had to lend him a jumper so that he could take the shirt off and let it drip. When he eventually got home some 5 hours later his trousers were still damp, as were all of his other clothing. I have to confess, I laughed my paws off!

Actually, the heat was responsible for one or two other things recently. Well, when I say the heat was responsible, that’s what I think and I’m sticking to it. I guess the first was the incident of the missing glasses. You see, because of the extreme heat, they had been leaving the patio door open so that I could get some air. Completely unrelated, Daddy Richard had lost his glasses. It was ok though because he had a second spare pair. It was only when he lost that pair too that all eyes started to look at me. I don’t know what makes them think that I could have had anything to do with it. I know he lost both pairs at night but that’s hardly a surprise – you should see him after he’s had a few electric soups, if you get my meaning! Anyway, they were both looking at me in that accusatory way that they do. It was then that it all went a bit pear-shaped. I felt a bit sorry for Daddy Richard because he couldn’t see anymore so I thought I’d help with looking for them. Imagine my surprise when I found them under one of the raised beds where I keep a secret stash of stones!! Well, I mean! I picked them up and took them back into the house thinking I’d get an extra good treat for finding them. What did I get instead? I got flamin’ accused of stealing them!!!! There is one pair still missing but I’m not flamin’ well going to find them now!!!

There was, in fact, another incident the other night. It wasn’t my fault. The door was open because of the heat and then I heard that pesky family of foxes that live in the allotments. I know they’re there. They can hide as much as they like but I know they’re there. I went up to the garden fence and I barked my flamin’ lungs off! How was I supposed to know it was one o’clock in the morning? I don’t wear a watch, do I? The next thing I knew was a sight no dog should have to endure … him marching up the garden huffing and puffing and trying to shout whilst whispering (what’s all that about?) that it was one o’clock in the morning! Honestly, the language!!! One of these days he’s going to burst one of those blood vessels if he doesn’t take life a bit easier! I decided that the best thing I should do is give up trying to get that flamin’ family of foxes to show themselves and go back inside. There was that and the fact that he had hold of my collar which made the choice somewhat more easy to make! Well, as we went down the steps it was hardly my fault that he tripped over me! I have to admit, it was as much as I could do to avoid him falling on me. That did nothing to improve the flamin’ language I can tell you. He picked himself up and we went into the house and he shut the door. I spotted his bum in the morning (never a good sight at any time), I don’t think I’ve ever seen a bruise that large and that black before! It’s still black now, although it is beginning to take on a purple tinge, so I’ve decided it’s probably better if I don’t mention it again!

What with the glasses and the falling down incident, I decided I would keep a low profile for a few days. It was hardly my fault. You see, on Wednesday he had gone off for his regular afternoon playing away. He calls it work but all I know is that he comes back stinking of Radar and Roxy and Ronnie and Reggie. Anyway, I was up at the garden fence looking for those flamin’ foxes – oh, I know they say that they aren’t there anymore but I think they’re wrong! I just noticed that the gate in the fence that leads to the allotments wasn’t actually locked. I sneaked a look back to the dining room to see if Daddy Richard was likely to spot me and he wasn’t so I pulled it open and dashed through. I searched everywhere for those flamin’ foxes but I couldn’t find them. What I did find, however, was some chickens! I stood there and had a jolly good bark at them. The next thing I knew was that a very nice lady called Auntie Kate appeared. She seemed a little concerned that I was barking at her chickens and she got his phone number off my tag. She phoned him and explained that I was barking at her chickens and said that I was having trouble finding my way back. Which was actually true but anyway … he phoned Daddy Richard and Daddy Richard came up to the allotments looking for me. In the meantime, lovely Auntie Kate had noticed that I was a bit hot and bothered … well it was 36℃ and I was a bit lost … so she took me back to her house and gave me a drink which was very nice. Daddy Richard eventually turned up. Lovely Auntie Kate had phoned him and explained what she was going to do but Daddy Richard didn’t have his mobile with him so he couldn’t let him know – those that know Daddy Richard will know that he has the least mobile phone in the world! Whenever anyone phones it he never has it with him!

Now that it’s a bit cooler I’m a bit more comfortable. It means that I’m getting far more walks in a day than I was. At least two or three. We’ve been out too. We went to Limpsfield Chart where I was able to have a lovely run around whilst they could walk and remain socially distanced from others. Actually, the photo here was taken by Uncle Martin … he’s a friend of his who, for a variety of reasons he hadn’t seen for 32 years but they’ve caught up recently. That said, Uncle Martin lived on an island called Guernsey. I’ve done a bit of Doogling and had a look on Fidopedia and it is 75 miles off the English coast and only 30 miles from the French coast of Normandy. I don’t think that is very near where my friend Charlie lives but there is no doubt it is still foreign! It’s not even part of the United Kingdom and it is governed by the Lieutenant Governor of Guernsey and it was it’s own parliament that governs the république Bailiwick of Guernsey. Even the Queen isn’t the Queen in Guernsey, she’s the ‘Duke of Normandy’, so they’re all a bit different there! Anyway, talking of Aunties and Uncles, I heard a rumour the other day that I’m going to get to meet Auntie Sandie. They’ve known and worked with Auntie Sandie for years and years but I’ve never met her. Apparently Auntie Zena and Uncle Simon are coming for dinner tonight and he’s going to stuff a marrow. Goodness knows what mess he’s going to make this time! Apparently, they’re going to eat new potatoes from the garden and runner beans freshly picked. It sounds disgusting! What’s wrong with a bit of horse poo and some raw chicken? Anyway, before he ruins more perfectly good food I would like a walk. I’ve knocked his hand off the keyboard with my nose enough times now for him to get the message so, for now, must paws … 🐾