There are messages everywhere at the moment but you have to get up early to sniff them!
It wasn’t my fault! I mean … I get the blame for everything! You see, after the minor incident involving a cow pat last weekend, the weather began to warm up too. Although he thought he had managed to wash all of the cow pat out of my hair, I had managed to retain a little ‘Aroma de Moo’ behind my ear and, as the weather warmed up, so the aroma got stronger. Frankly, I don’t know why he seemed to think that this was a problem – I rather like the scent, but apparently, he didn’t. Even Uncle Bren, when he popped in, commented on me smelling “a little dog”, which was not said in a particularly complimentary way if you ask me! Because the weather had got warmer, we had to go out early in the morning and later in the evening again. I don’t mind this too much because I can pick up my early morning messages, but it does make for quite a long day in between. I have the odd game of ‘shoe’ or ‘stone’ and I have invented another new one called “Telly melee”. “Telly melee” is a pretty fabulous game actually. Find any available TV remote control and pick it up – there are now two options (both of which are fun) – the first is that you take the remote control and hide it where they are least likely to find it and then watch them hunting around the house looking for the TV remote when they want it.
If you think I’m going to look at you whilst you take another rubbish photo, you’ve got another think coming!
The other is that you take the remote control, make sure they know you’ve got it by wagging your tail as fast as you possibly can and then run around the house switching every TV on, making sure that they are all on different channels and that the volume is turned up to high. It doesn’t half wind them up!!! Actually, as weeks go, this week was turning out to be quite quiet. Monday was another day of early morning walk followed by a few hours of pushing out some serious ????s, a couple of games of ‘shoe’ and ‘stone’ and them pretending to be doing that work thing that they claim. Actually, Daddy Richard has been going out quite a bit and doing his ‘business development’ thing – one can hardly blame him for going out and getting a bit of free time away from him, although I am not totally convinced that it doesn’t actually involve him getting food somewhere! I haven’t had the luxury of any time away from him, apart from on Tuesday when he pretends to go out and do that ‘work’ thing. There has been another problem this week too – there is a depleting number of stones available for playing ‘stone’. Every time I get another stone, drop it in the most inaccessible spot and then bark as loudly as I can, he gets the stone somehow and I don’t appear to get it back. Whilst the number of available stones is depleting, oddly I have noticed that the number of stones on his desk is growing at almost exactly the same rate!
This seems like a nice shady spot to have a lie down. Stuff him, he can wait for me!
One good thing that happened on Monday was that some bloke came to look at some pictures that they had brought back from India and wanted to get framed to hang on the wall. It only turned out that he was looking for a ‘bookkeeper’ – allegedly, that is one of their businesses, so he’s going to start using them. I know that humans do some really odd things but why would anyone want someone else to keep their books? Hasn’t he got room at home or something? And anyway, if they only knew that he spends half his time playing with a calculator or a spreadsheet, they would know that he isn’t going to be concentrating on keeping their books like they think he will. On Tuesday morning, he went off to do this work thing that he claims he does on a Tuesday and then, a bit later, Daddy Richard went out doing his ‘business development’ thing. I had to wait all on my own for him to return. I was very brave though and I lay down by the front door with a tea towel I had found in the kitchen as a weapon and guarded the house … well actually I did drop off a bit and woke with a start to discover that I had been pushing out ????s from shortly after Daddy Richard had left until he had arrived home. I heard him as he put his key in the door so I quickly composed myself, picked up the tea towel and was there when he opened the door … I think I got away with it and he didn’t notice I had nodded off whilst I was guarding the house!
I spend what seems like half my life waiting for them to catch me up! Oh do come on!!!!!
On Wednesday Uncle Bren popped in. Apparently he was helping to put together some leaflet or other about some Local Plan or something that Uncle Bren was going to get delivered to every household in the Parish … oh I don’t know, it is all a load of old rubbish to me! Anyway … it has something to do with some people who want to build 4,000 houses in South Godstone and he says that those people have lied and misled and that he has a document that proves that they made the decision in 2015 even though they pretend to have made it in June. They seem to both get quite excited about whatever this is and he says that they’re all a bunch of crooks! I have looked up ‘crooks’ in my doggy:human(English) dictionary and it says that a crook is ‘a person who is dishonest or a criminal’ which is not very nice, so I don’t think he likes those people very much. (Actually, he doesn’t call them ‘those people’, he usually refers to them as a “lying bar stars” or something. I’ve looked up ‘bar stars’ in my doggy:human(English) dictionary, but it isn’t in there. I’ve tried the Interweb too, and Fidopedia, both to no avail so I think I may have misheard slightly.)
He decided I should get a shampoo whilst I was having my wimming session!
By Thursday morning even I will admit that I was beginning to hum a bit. The ‘Aroma de Moo’ had cranked up to maximum in the heat and was getting quite strong. Since I was due a visit to see my personal therapists Katie, Emily and Zoe at Hydro Hounds for my wimming session, he thought he had come up with a brainwave (more like a brain ripple if you ask me!). He decided to ask my personal therapists to shampoo me when I went wimming! What a flamin’ cheek. What makes him think he has the right to choose if I am going to have a bath or not! Honestly, he really does take liberties sometimes! Anyway, the only reason I agreed to the whole process was because a) the ‘Aroma de Moo’ was getting a bit strong, even for me, and b) it did mean a bit more love and attention from my personal therapists. So there I was standing there wearing nothing but a towel for modesty and Katie took my photograph. Now, I know I am the handsomest dog in dogdom and I completely understand why people would want photographs of me, but I wasn’t exactly looking at my best! My coat wasn’t dry and I hadn’t even got so much as a collar on! If it wasn’t for my fans, I wouldn’t have allowed such a thing, but when you’re as much of a celebrity as I am, you have to put up with these things sometimes!
This is me in one of my wimming sessions. It’s really difficult to walk through that water!
Talking of being famous, my Instagraming seems to be quite popular. I don’t think I have quite got to grips with it yet, but I seem to get quite a lot of ‘likes’. That said, I don’t really have any idea what a ‘like’ means, but I think it’s good. Some people have asked me what I do in my wimming sessions, so I thought I’d share a photo. It is all about building strength up in my hips – both the one I have had done and the one I am going to have done. My personal therapists are there to help me and ensure that I do the right exercises. Mind you, I know I refer to them as my personal therapists, bit I think they might have been a bit unfaithful to me … I reckon they’re seeing other dogs too! I’m not going to let on though – just as long as they give me the love and attention I deserve, I’m going to turn a blind eye to it. After my wimming session I’m normally pretty bushed for a while and, when we get home, I have a lay down and push out a few ????s but I reckon they think that it’s an excuse for not going out for a walk later (in the evening in this weather!). It most certainly isn’t and I insist on having a decent walk once I’ve had a little time to recover from my wimming session.
When is he going to learn … he’s rubbish at this cooking lark! He should just stick to kibble!
I think I may have mentioned this before but he isn’t very smart … about as smart as a gas barbecue with no gas (you know who you are!), if you get my gist! Anyway, talking of barbecues, this might come as a bit of a shock (it did me!) but they decided to have a barbecue on Saturday evening and they invited Uncle Bren and Auntie Cathy. Well, you won’t believe this … he only decided to have yet another go at that cooking thing! He made a Greek salad (it’s all Greek to me!) … nope, no cooking involved there! He made coleslaw … nope, no cooking there either! He made a tomato and onion salad … nope, none there either! He made a roasted beetroot, fennel and kidney bean salad … nope, no cooking there either! (Oh, he’ll claim that roasting the beetroot was cooking – wrap it in tin foil and shove it in the oven is hardly cooking!) He made ‘Mojo Verde’ and ‘Mojo Rojo’ (basic pepper sauces made of pepper, garlic, spice, oil and vinegar) … nope, they aren’t cooked either! He made ‘Papas Arrugadas con Mojo Picante’ … ok, so he boiled some potatoes in very salty water (which makes them go white and wrinkly which, according to Doogle Translate, is what ‘Papas Arrugadas’ means – Auntie Cathy thought that Daddy Richard had thought of wrinkly potatoes because she and Uncle Bren were coming!) and served them with the two Mojo sauces … hardly cooking! Oh, and he chucked a few sausages on the barbecue along with a couple of chops. Talk about not very smart, when is he going to learn … he’s rubbish at this cooking lark!
Me and Daddy Richard on the top of Hilly Fields. (I’m the handsome one almost blending into the foreground!)
I suppose there was some upside to him trying yet again to do this cooking thing. There were a couple of sausages left over after the barbecue and I’m pretty sure that I am going to get them – it doesn’t matter how bad his cooking is, I’ll eat them … if I can eat cow poo, then his sausages are going to be a doddle! Today has been hot again. We went out for our walk this morning and I had a good run around before it got too warm. Mind you, he was in a terrible mood. You see, even when it’s hot, he hates fans (the ones that spin and make a draught, not the type that I have lots of!). He can’t bear draughts and Daddy Richard had put a fan on last night. Not only that, but he had put it on maximum speed. When he finally surfaced this morning he was moaning (nothing new there then!), I didn’t catch every word, but the general gist was that he said that it was like trying to sleep in a flamin’ wind tunnel (I don’t think he said ‘flamin’ but I didn’t quite catch it and I’m sure it began with ‘f’!). Fortunately, a good run around in Hilly Fields followed by a walk through The Hollow and then another run about in Tylers Close field seemed to lift his spirits and all was well again. Talking of spirits, I think that may have been part of the problem … I think they may have had a tad too much electric soup last night which led to Daddy Richard putting the fan on maximum and him not realising that when he went to bed!
The view from up here is great, although I don’t really care, there are rabbits to hunt down!
This afternoon they both went off in his car thingy. Apparently they were going to an ‘antiques fair’ to see if they could persuade any of the stall holders to use their bookkeeping services. I’m pretty sure it was Daddy Richard’s idea … he’s pretty good at this business development thing. He says that Daddy Richard is a bit of a tart because he’ll give his business card to just about anyone, but it does seem to work, so he can’t moan that much! Anyway, apparently it wasn’t quite right because the majority of the stall holders were just doing it as a hobby or their businesses were so small that they didn’t need a bookkeeper. I overheard him saying that he thought quite a lot of them were probably cash only businesses – I’m not quite sure what that means but I’m pretty sure he wasn’t saying it as a compliment. They weren’t gone all that long and when they got back I sort of got caught in the act of playing a private game of ‘telly melee’ … the door opened and there I was, remote control hanging from the corner of my mouth. I dropped the remote straight on the floor and then rolled over and pretended to be pleased to see them. I reckon I’ve got away with it. It hasn’t been mentioned since. All this tapping on the keyboard is making my paws ache. I’m off to push out a few ????s so, for now, must paws … ????
