DTRM – Down The Road Muttering

That’s what we call it in the doggy world … DTRM. That’s what he does all the flamin’ time! You won’t believe this, but the other day he actually accused me of dragging my paws!! I mean, how very dare he! Dragging my paws indeed. Well now it’s my turn … the truth will out! You see, recently I’ve been going out with a ball when I go for a walk. They think that it’ll stop me stealing another doggy’s ball – the truth is that if I could get both balls in my mouth I would. Anyway, so we’ve been going out with a ball. The thing is, occasionally, well quite a lot actually, one might find oneself drawn to the idea of laying down for a few minutes and chewing the ball. Obviously he moans about that … which makes me want to do it even more. That usually results in him muttering obscenities under his breath (I can hear them though!) and that makes the whole game much more enjoyable. I like playing games … particularly when they involve winding him up!!

So, on this particular occasion we were out for a walk and he said he was in a bit of a rush – something about having to go to work or something (like we don’t all know he just goes and plays away with Radar!) – anyway, I had had a couple of little lay downs on the way up Green Lane. I had produced a rather stunning two bagger which Daddy Richard was carrying (for some reason with his arm outstretched and slightly behind him, I can’t think why!) and we were walking along Church Lane. Now, I’m rather partial to a little wander around the churchyard … just to check out the wabbit and squirrel situation. I wanted to have a little look in the churchyard to see if there were any wabbits or squirrels that I could try and chase, with the added advantage that I would almost certainly almost pull his arm out of its socket in the process! But oh no – he was in a rush! So I got marched into Bay Pond Path without so much as a discussion on the subject. I wasn’t at all happy about that so I stuck my paws to the ground and refused to move. When I eventually got bored of that I walked really slowly just to raise his blood pressure a bit and that was when he said I was dragging my paws! Flamin’ cheek!!! I’ll have you know I was making a protest at the injustice of not getting my own way!!

Honestly, just recently he has been a right grumpy old man. Moan, moan, moan, moan, moan! The other day I was up at the top of the garden barking at the people in the allotments and he had a right moan at me. He said that people should be able to enjoy their allotments without me barking at them. I don’t see why they should have fun when I’m not allowed to! Talking of fun, he was in the greenhouse the other day doing whatever it is he does with those dreadful plants he grows. I decided to pop in and see what I could find to chew or destroy. There wasn’t much. I tore up a bit of horticultural fleece and found a couple of support sticks that well, frankly, they won’t be doing much supporting anymore, but then I got a bit bored so I decided to lay down and watch him to see what he does with those dreadful plants. Turns out that was even more boring, so I nodded off and pushed out a couple of 💤s. When I woke up I looked up to see if he was doing anything even remotely interesting but no, just potting on plants and sowing seeds.

The weather over the last week or so has been dreadful too. Here we are in mid-May and they’re still going out in winter rain coats. Today it has rained all day. He even went out into the garden to do some weeding (whatever that is!) and to plant out his broad beans (whatever they are!) and his marrows (whatever they are!). It was raining and he got soaked which caused him to moan even more. I did try to suggest to him that if he goes out in the garden in the rain he’s bound to get wet but he muttered something about having to do these things at weekends because he’s working during the week. Working? Is that what he calls it. He goes out and when he comes home he stinks of Radar or Ronnie or Reggie … or sometimes all three! Actually, I think Radar might be in need of a bath … I’ll try and send him a message on WhatsYap. I don’t really care much about the weather but … and this won’t come as any surprise to most … he moans about the smell of wet dog when I’ve been out in the rain. The forecast for the next week is more wet weather and low temperatures, he won’t be happy!

Talking of him not being happy. The other day we were out for a walk and as we were walking along Oxted Road, I swear I saw a wabbit dash through a hedge. The next day when we were out I tried to have a look in the hedge to see if it was still there. Honestly, you’d think I’d committed the crime of the century! I mean … the language!!! It isn’t something a doggie of my stature should hear! All I did was pop my head into the hedge to see if the wabbit was still there. OK, so he was attached to the lead at the other end, and my movements might have been a bit sudden. And yes, I did nearly drag him through the hedge with me. But honestly! What a fuss!!! The things he called me. Oh yes, I know what they mean … I’ve Doogled them and looked them up on Fidopedia. Frankly, he should be ashamed of himself. Half of them wouldn’t even show up in my searches because they were ‘age restricted’ and one of them said something about being ‘adult content’ … I didn’t bother look any further for fear of what I might see!!

After he came in from the garden he went straight into the kitchen and started doing that ‘cooking’ thing he does. I think that tonight is the very last ‘Saturday Night Takeaway’ because from Monday people can meet indoors again, so they’ll be able to have dinner with friends again. That’ll be nice on two fronts, 1) it will be nice for people to be able to meet up indoors properly and 2) they won’t have to put up with his constant destruction of perfectly good raw food! Tonight is going to be a repeat of one of the favourites … Szechuan Chicken (recipe here for any humans who share his passion for destroying perfectly good food!). It is hot, spicy and totally useless because I can’t eat it! When I popped in to see what he was doing he actually accused me of looking like a drowned rat! Honestly, I don’t know why I put up with it – but I suppose he is a good source of treats.

It wouldn’t be right if I didn’t just briefly mention the Blond Potato’s latest faux pas. Quite apart from his appallingly dreadful handling of the global pandemic, resulting in the UK having the second highest rate of deaths per capita in the world (deaths that lay firmly on his shoulders) … until this latest Indian variant. Apart from his pushing the UK off a cliff with his lies that resulted in us leaving the EU. (Experts are saying that had he not been peddling lies, along with is other posh mates, and actually told the truth, the vote would have gone very strongly the other way.) His handling of this latest development of the Indian variant has been nothing short of disgraceful. He took over 3 days to put India on the ‘red’ list of countries, he is saying that his date of 21st June for the lifting of all measures may be at risk but he is still pushing for it to happen because he is driven by dates not data. Now he is trying to suggest that all the dodgy contracts that him and his mates placed with their mates (in dormant of completely inexperienced companies) may not be part of the “Full Independent Public Inquiry” that will “… place the state’s actions under a microscope” because he doesn’t think they are relevant to the “Full Independent Public Inquiry”. Really? Are there no depths to which this pathological liar won’t stoop? Yet, unbelievably, his popularity continues to rise. According to one political analyst “It appears people prefer a disastrous conservative party and self-serving conservative leader in the belief that this is for the good when the country is down.” Another suggests that, “A year long holiday on 80% pay, and the lack of an electable opposition, means there is nothing to turn the electorate against this greedy, shameless, dishonest man”. Interestingly, despite a lot of Doogling, I can’t find one analyst who says he is good at the job, or reliable and honest, they all seem to be of the view that he is dishonest and self serving but that there is no viable alternative to him. What a great legacy that will be!!

Anyway, enough about the Blond Potato, history shows that people like him who place themselves on pedestals come crashing down in the end. It is just devastating for all those who have died unnecessarily because of his self serving attitude. On a completely different topic, I have been training him a bit recently. I have now got him completely trained that when he comes in through the door in the evening, he gives me a treat before he does anything else. I’m trying to train him to give me more treats during the day but that is a long term project. I can usually get one if I sit down and give him my paw. If I then switch paws that guarantees a second treat but it’s all a bit hard work. I just want treats, I don’t want to have to work for them! Of course I know that Michael, my personal Vetinary surgeon, says that I shouldn’t be getting too many treats because I put weight on but he didn’t quantify ‘too many’ and I definitely don’t think I’m getting enough! Mind you, talking of treats, it’s about time we went out for a walk again so that I can drag him around the village. I think I’ll go and wake Daddy Richard up because he’s “having a nap” (that usually involves quite a lot of snoring and quite a long time!) and then we can all go out for a walk. So, for now, must paws … 🐾