Can I or can’t I?!

Now, I don’t like to complain, but I’m confused. You see, it all started with a big speech to the nation from the Prime Minister last Sunday. I say the Prime Minister but in the doggy world we prefer to call him the Blond Potato – he’s blond and he’s about as useless as a potato … good for bulking things out but otherwise very little nutritional value whatsoever. He said “Go back to work” to everyone who can’t work at home. Then he said “No, when I said tomorrow, I didn’t mean tomorrow, I meant Wednesday”. Next he said “You can go out and meet people in an open space just as long as you keep 2m apart”. Then he said, “No, I didn’t mean go out and meet people, I meant go and meet one person!”. Next we had, “You can go and meet your grandparents”, then he said, “No, I didn’t mean you can go and meet your grandparents, I meant you can go and meet one grandparent at a time”. Talk about confusion! Before he even made his big speech he was hinting that he was going to introduce major change then, on the night, he said that there were to be no major changes.

Basically, he made a speech that said absolutely nothing. When he got criticised in the press the following day, he claimed he had handled the global pandemic better than anyone else. Duh! According to most political commentators only Trump, or the Orange Tornado as we prefer to call him in the doggy world, has handled the situation worse! And that blot on humanity advised people to inject themselves with bleach to cure the Coronavirus! Anyway, enough about all that, what about me? Ah yes, well firstly let me explain … you see, it all starts with a bit of a two bagger. You see, it’s this flamin’ social distancing that’s the problem. As we walk around the village we have to make sure that we maintain at least 2m of distance from others. Well, that’s OK just as long as I don’t have a call of nature. I mean, when I get a call of nature I need a bit of time. There we were, walking up Oxted Road, and I felt the call of nature. There was a couple of people walking behind us but they were quite a way behind. I produced a good two bagger and, in the time it took me to produce it, they had caught us up. He bagged it up and as they got near they complained about the aroma in the air. How rude! I don’t complain about the flamin’ smell of humans!

The training continues but I’m a little bit bored of it. As soon as I start to pull on the lead I get stopped with an “Uh, huh!”. Quite honestly, I’ve been getting bored for a while. You see, it’s boring being good. Don’t misunderstand me, I’ve had my moments, but not nearly enough of them. There was a little incident with the broken fence on Bay Pond Path. It was very warm last weekend so what was I supposed to do? Those that know Bay Pond Path will know that the local hooligans broke the metal railings last year and there is a gap which, conveniently, is just about my size. I popped through the hole and took a nice cooling dip in the mud at the end of the pond. Honestly, you should have heard the fuss! He was almost bursting a blood vessel he was so red in the face. And the language! Well, I can’t repeat that here … I’m pretty sure there are rules on the Internet about using language like that! Even Daddy Richard seemed a little perturbed! I will admit that I did take on a bit of an ‘Eau d’Bay Pond’ and that it might be an acquired taste but it wasn’t that bad. Well, when I say it wasn’t that bad, I did notice that quite a few people were crossing the road on the way home and it wasn’t for social distancing!

We got home and I got very unceremoniously hosed down! I mean, usually I get a nice warm hosing if I have to have a wash after a walk. This time, Daddy Richard held onto me and then he just got the hose from the greenhouse and squirted it at me! I was properly drenched. Then, just as I thought it was all over, they noticed that I was still quite dirty and they did it all over again! It wasn’t just that, but they wouldn’t even let me into the house until they were sure that the ‘Eau d’Bay Pond’ had worn off! I have to be honest, it wasn’t my finest moment but it wasn’t theirs either! Apart from that, life has been pretty boring. Lockdown has meant that I was restricted on my walks. That has now lifted and I can go out for as many walks as I like but until Wednesday I was very restricted on the number of walks I could have. We’ve been sticking to our usual routes of Salisbury Road, Oxted Road, Church Lane, Bay Pond Path and the High Street.

One thing I have noticed during the ‘Lockdown’ is the number of ‘essential’ motorbike journeys that have been necessary. Don’t get me wrong, they are obviously essential and it is absolutely vital that these essential journeys are carried out as fast as the motorbike can go. It seems that, even on a Sunday afternoon at five o’clock, these essential motorbike journeys must be carried out at as high a speed as possible. Now that we are allowed out more often I have noticed that many of the rules don’t apply to people who ride motorbikes. Today, for example, there were about 30 Hells Angel motorbikes that came down Church Lane when we were out walking. They seemed to be mostly from Hampshire and they all stopped by the Church and got off for a nice chat. Apparently the 2m rule doesn’t apply to them, nor does the only meet one person at a time. It is all very interesting!

This painted stone thing is quite interesting. I’ve had a little Doogle on the Internet and found a little bit about them. Apparently it started off with people painting them to spread little messages of positivity. The idea took off and people have been painting stones for the NHS and then painting stones to celebrate the 75th anniversary of VE Day. That was last Friday. Lots of people had street parties where they maintained their social distancing but enjoyed each other’s company whilst keeping to their own front garden or driveway. We didn’t do it where we live because we wouldn’t be able to see anyone else but we saw it when we walked down Salisbury Road and through Dewlands. Victory in Europe or VE Day is celebrated to mark the day in which the allies (our European friends) accepted Germany’s unconditional surrender in World War II. What a shame we’ve turned our back on them now. The European Union was formed in 1945 to combat the extreme nationalism that had caused the Second World War. It is very sad that we seem to have forgotten that and that we have now adopted extreme nationalism ourselves and decided to leave the very thing that was formed to combat it. Oh well, that’s humans for you!

So, that’s the way things are at the moment. The Blond Potato is confusing everyone by making speeches that mean nothing. The Orange Tornado thinks we should all inject ourselves with bleach to cure the global pandemic. The bikers think that the lockdown doesn’t apply to them. And we all celebrated the 75th Anniversary of VE Day whilst concurrently exercising our own extreme nationalism and leaving the Union that was formed to combat it. And they say dogs are strange! The are some good things to come out of the current situation. People are beginning to learn to cook again and people are learning to communicate more. That’s a good thing. The Blond Potato will blame his abject failure to deliver his promises on Brexit on the Coronavirus but it was always to be expected that he’d find an excuse when it fails. One good thing to come out of the Blond Potato’s confusing announcement is that we are allowed to go out more often. That means I can have more walks and they can get a bit more exercise. Which is exactly what I intend to do right now so, for now, must paws … 🐾