Flamin’ heck it’s ‘ot! It’s alright for humans but I wear a thick hairy coat all the time. It isn’t supposed to be this ‘ot I’m sure but then what do I know … I’m only two! Anyway, what can I say? It’s been a few days since I last put paw to keyboard, but in this really hot weather I haven’t been so busy as usual. My Auntie Sue has though – she made a model of me out of clay! Obviously, it isn’t quite as handsome as me … but you can’t improve on the real thing … and I am the real thing! She sent a photo of it to Daddy Richard who replied and said, “Very good. Who is it?” I don’t know if Auntie Sue saw the funny side of that remark – after all, it is obviously me … who else would she model anything on? I’m not sure if I have ever mentioned this, but I am the handsomest dog in dogdom and, quite obviously, the only dog that would ever be worth making a model of. Anyway, she gets a ✓ VG from me! So what else has been happening in the world of Monty? (Is there any other world worth woofing about … I don’t think so!) Ah yes, the case of the missing car key. I must report at this juncture that the missing car key has still not been found. After the embarrassing attempts to hold me to the car to see if I had eaten it, he took to studying my poo quite intently for a few days but that didn’t produce any results either (well, it did … generally about two bags full, but that’s a different issue). And so it goes on … he continues to accuse me of being complicit in some way in him losing his car key and I continue to refuse to give any for of indication of whether I know anything about it or not!
On Friday of last week (it really is a long time since I put paw to keyboard … there have been complaints, but I’m just too hot!) Daddy Richard and I went for a lovely walk. It was something called ‘Networking’ where Daddy Richard met up with some other people and they all went for a walk. He was busy at home practicing that cooking thing because Uncle Bren and Auntie Cathy (Mrs Cheese although that hasn’t been so forthcoming recently, I must have a woof) were having a party on the Saturday and he was planning on poisoning them all with his dreadful attempts at cooking! So Daddy Richard and I went off in Daddy Richard’s car thingy to the Bell in old Oxted (it’s actually called in the Old Bell, but everyone calls it the Bell) and met up with these other people for the ‘netwalking’. We went from the Bell, all the way past Mr Al Fayed’s house (I Doogled him and apparently he used to own a shop in London called ‘Harrods’ and his son had an affair with a beautiful lady called Princess Diana and then after they were both killed in a tragic car accident and then he accused some chap called Prince Philip of ordering them to be killed and then the ‘establishment’ refused to give him a passport – he was from a place called Egypt – and then he said some very rude words and left England to go and live somewhere called Switzerland. Frankly, there’s only so much Doogling a dog can do!) anyway, we passed his house and went all the way up to the top of the North Downs and looked down. Then we went all the way back again. It was jolly nice though … a) because it was a lovely walk and b) because it gave me a bit of time away from him.
On Saturday he spent most of the day cooking again. First thing in the morning Daddy Richard and I went out for a walk (I’ve been going out for a walk early in the day and then late in the day to avoid this relentless heat) whilst he took the bone out of a leg of goat. (I didn’t know that at the time, but learned about it later!) By the time we got back there was a Rogan Josh curry well on the way that was made with goat meat. I did spend quite a bit of time in the kitchen that day but there was nothing much forthcoming unfortunately. As usual I got accused of being in the way just because I was laying in front of the cupboard he was trying to get to, or laying in front of the oven, but I just ignored it. I find it is best if I just ignore him sometimes! Late in the afternoon, Daddy Richard was taking things round to next door for the party and he was finishing things off when the door bell rang. You’ll never guess who it was … only my bestest friend in the whole wide world, Jake!!!! I took no time in letting him know that I wanted to go and play at his house and I practically towed him all the way there! I spent a lovely couple of hours with Jake before we both walked back to Uncle Bren’s house and I went to join the party. It was actually quite fun because everyone was commenting on how handsome I was and lots of people were stroking me!
I think the party must have gone pretty well judging by the amount of slurring and wobbling people were doing! Finally, at about 8pm, he served up the food he had been cooking. Poor people! I guess they’ll get over it soon. He had made eleven dishes (I guess there was a chance one out of eleven might have been edible!) ranging from ‘Chilli con Carne’ to a pasta and aubergine bake (for vegetarians apparently) and 8 different Indian dishes including the goat Rogan Josh, two types of Dhal and a variety of vegetarian dishes. The good news though, was that I got the bone from the goat. I devoured it completely during the course of the evening. In fact, I was a bit protective of it and growled at anybody who came near me in case they tried to take it from me! He claimed he was cream crackered after all that cooking but it was entirely his own fault, nobody had asked him to do eleven dishes! I don’t know if I have mentioned this before, but he isn’t very clever … about as useful as a fur coat on a hot summers day, if you get my gist! If you spend two days practicing that cooking thing (even if you aren’t very good at it) you’re quite likely to be a bit cream crackered afterwards. Of course, having completed that little exercise he’s now doing that cooking thing again because he is preparing for the Godstone Gardeners’ Club Summer Show. Why he belongs to a Gardeners’ Club is beyond me – he’s rubbish at that too. Apparently he has won the cup for the ‘domestic section’ for the last few years … clearly nobody else has entered … so he is trying to do it again this year!
Most of Sunday was spent cleaning the kitchen, just so that he could start again. He really isn’t very bright! If you’re wondering where the pictures of the party are, there aren’t any. Apparently he was too busy and didn’t get a chance. More likely he had had too much ‘electric soup’ and forgot if you ask me! Daddy Richard isn’t known for carrying his phone with him to take photos … in fact, he’s known for the fact that he never has his phone with him – his is the least mobile mobile phone in phonedom! By Monday life was returning nearer to normal. We have been going out for walks early in the morning and then again in the evening recently. Although I would like to go out during the day, the weather is really hot and the pavements are so hot they’d burn my paws, so we haven’t been going out during the day. I’ve been watching bit of PooTube recently and it is definitely quite a while since it rained. He was talking to Grandma yesterday and she said that Theo said (he’s Uncle Wavell and Auntie Sara’s son … Auntie Sara is his sister-in-law but Uncle Wavell is her second husband because Uncle Matthew died a long time ago unfortunately and Auntie Sara married Uncle Wavell and they had a son called Theo who is Isabelle’s sister who was Uncle Matthew’s daughter … oh my brain hurts!) that it hasn’t rained for 45 days. Anyway, the fact is that it is still flamin’ hot!
On Tuesday he went off to do that ‘work’ thing that he says he does. (I have seen no evidence whatsoever of this ‘work’ thing. Mind you, it is quite strange how the food and the treats keep on coming. Hmm, I may have to think about this but my brain is still hurting!) I spent the day with Daddy Richard helping him with his paperwork. Each time he put a piece of paper down, I picked it up and shredded it for him. I’m not sure that he appreciated my help but he didn’t moan like he does. When he came home he was all over me like a flamin’ rash … if he thinks he can wander off whenever he likes and claim he is ‘working’ then he’s got another think coming – I’m not going to start doing that loving thing anytime soon! On Wednesday it was the regular meeting of the gardeners’ club. They both went off and left me, but I didn’t care because I was happy to lay down and push out a few ????s whilst they were out – this hot weather really does tire one out! He eventually turned up at about quarter to ten and started cooking their dinner – there is absolutely no planning in their lives … they claim they are just too busy before hand, but I know the truth!!! Daddy Richard turned up about 20 minutes later but by that time I was bored of the two of them so I just curled up under the dining table and let them get on with it!
Thursday was my usual hydrotherapy day when I get to go and play with my personal therapists at Hydro Hounds, Emily, Katie and Zoe. Instead of going in his car thingy, we went in Daddy Richard’s. Because it was so hot, we had the windows down and I actually quite enjoyed it with the wind rushing through my coat! I don’t like car thingys but with the wind rushing through I do quite like the breeze and when I get to go wimming afterwards, it doesn’t feel so bad. When we got to my wimming session, I decided not to wait in reception for my cuddles, I just went straight through to the back to do my thing. I did steal a ball when we finished, but somehow Katie got it off me and I didn’t get to keep it. Actually, talking of balls, I did find a rather nice small leatherette football on one of my walks this week. I carried it all the way home and, when we got there I knew I wouldn’t be allowed it indoors, so I dropped it in the porch. That was … until they went out on Wednesday evening when I picked it up and took it indoors just as they were going out. This won’t come as a surprise to my regular fans but when he came home and started cooking dinner (a term I use loosely as it was a chicken Kiev from a packet that said ‘Waitrose’ on it and some chips … hardly challenging!) he started moaning at me – just because I may have somehow slightly ripped the ball apart and left bits of it and the nylon stuffing that was inside it all over the house. Honestly! It wasn’t that much of a mess!! (Well, not that much is a relative term, but it didn’t take him that long to clear it all up!)
Yesterday was quite a good day really. No incidents to speak of … well, apart from when I had a quick dip in my paddling pool and then popped over to see what he was up to and had a jolly good shake to get the water out of my coat. Apparently he didn’t want a shower at that particular moment! It was soooooo hot though. In the evening we went for a walk up Green Lane because it is quite shaded and doesn’t get too hot. It is also the nearest place we can walk to minimise walking on tarmac that tends to retain heat for longer. They were really pleased to see that someone had cut down the stinging nettles. They seem to not like stinging nettles for some reason.To be perfectly honest they didn’t really bother me, but they both seemed to dislike them. I have looked them up on Fidopedia – they are really called Urtica Dioica (and he thinks he’s the gardener!) and have many hollow stinging hairs called trichomes on the leaves and stems, which act like hypodermic needles, injecting histamine and other chemicals that produce a stinging sensation upon contact (“contact urticaria”). Apparently it is possible for me to be stung, but my coat acts as protection and I don’t recall ever being stung. Anyway, now that they’ve been cut down, we don’t need to worry about them for a while and the path is clearer for me to run in!
Yesterday evening they both went to Uncle Malcolm and Auntie Sue’s for dinner. Apparently it was jolly good. They had a lovely red pepper soup to start with and then mussels (in French they call it ‘moules mariniere’ you know … it’s a good job one of us in this household has a degree of intelligence – although to be fair, Daddy Richard does speak excellent French!) followed by a selection of cheeses which they thoroughly enjoyed. I decided that, since they were out having fun, I would pop in to see Uncle Simon, Auntie Zena and my bestest friend in the whole wide world, Jake! I spend a lovely evening with them until Daddy Richard and him turned up to take me home. I reckon, judging by the wobble walking up the road, that they had also washed down this excellent food with a little drop of wine too! When we got home I decided to take a little dip before retiring which went down really well. He was moaning (now there’s a change!) about my wet paws making everything wet indoors, but what do I care, I was a little cooler! When we got up this morning it was already ridiculously hot. We went virtually straight out for a walk around Hilly Fields and bumped into loads of other people who were doing the same before it got any hotter. We did pop into Cafe Connect too, but it was too hot in there for me, so we all went home and I decided to sit down and put paw to keyboard. That said, I’ve written quite enough for one day. Even my regular fans won’t want to read any more. So, for now, must paws … ????
