A naughty day …

When I awoke this morning, somewhat later than I normally do, I came to a decision. Today would be a naughty day. I haven’t had a properly naughty day for some while and Cathy was only commenting yesterday on how well behaved I am! I started my day by going out in the garden and leaving Alex a little present in his vegetable beds. That was a good start but not nearly sufficient for a ‘naughty day’. Alex was just having a cup of tea when I had a brilliant idea – I walked right up to him and let out a rather pungent bottom burp! He seemed particularly disgusted by this, which was great. He was watching the news. There was something on about an attack in Paris (wherever that is – geography is not my strong point) and Alex was saying how dreadful it is and how they really have suffered. In fact, he was paying far too much attention to the news so I came up with a secondary plan … I barked as loudly as I could and stood in front of the TV. That got his attention. He played some games with me for a while, but there wasn’t much opportunity to be naughty. Then I had another idea – I stood by my toy box and barked at the top of my woof until every single toy had been taken out. Having succeeded in getting every toy out of the box, I turned my back on them all and walked off. That seemed to be sufficiently naughty to get a significant tut out of Richard. I had a feeling that my naughty day was getting off to a pretty good start, although quite clearly more effort was needed to make it a properly naughty day.

Richard went out to go and see a man about a door handle or something. I didn’t really understand what he was on about, but it seemed important to him. Alex said he would take me for a walk, but he just had to finish some work first. As an observation, this work thing seems to get in the way of an awful lot of games. Anyway, he finished his work and put my harness on. I was so excited I kept jumping up and down. He seemed to think this was unacceptable and went off and sat down without putting my lead on. I barked a bit, but he was having none of it – I think he was having a naughty moment! After a few minutes he did put my lead on and I jumped up and down again and bit the lead, his jacket and his hands. He didn’t like this either and went off and sat down again. After what seemed like an age, he got up and we went out of the front door. I jumped up and constantly bit the lead, nipped his arm, his hand and bit his jacket – we didn’t even get as far as the garage and he turned round and we went home again. I didn’t think much of this, I can tell you. I wanted a walk! When we got home he took my lead off and went back into his study and sat down. I went up to him and gave him my sad, ‘I want to be loved and I’m really sorry’ eyes. I knew he wouldn’t be able to resist and, sure enough, after a couple of minutes he got back up and put my lead on. We went out of the front door and I jumped up, nipped him, then grabbed the lead and wouldn’t let go. This didn’t go down well. He turned round, we went back inside, he took my lead off, put my long line away and went back into his study muttering. (Actually, I have noticed he does quite a lot of muttering if I’m naughty!) And so, my naughty day was having its ups and downs – I was definitely being naughty, but it wasn’t always resulting in what I had hoped for. Eventually, and I mean this seemed like hours later (it was only about 5 human minutes) Alex got up again and put my lead on.

We went out of the front door and started down the road. I carried on my game of jumping up, grabbing the lead, nipping, biting his jacket and trying to grab the long line but this time he did keep walking. He seemed to take absolutely no notice whatsoever of my naughty behaviour and, after a little while, I decided that this game was no longer having any effect. We got up to Hilly Fields without much of an incident and, when we got in there, I refused to sit down whilst he changed my lead for the long line. Eventually I had to because I don’t think he would ever have put my long lead on if I didn’t. Instantly I ran off until the long lead was fully extended and then I ran a bit more and tried to pull him over. He resisted which wasn’t much fun. When we got into The Hollow I decided that it would probably be more fun if I behaved, so I did for a while. I had a good sniff round and then I found a spot which Alex says it was extremely fortunate was out of the way and I produced some very runny and very smelly poo! There was no way Alex could pick it up and he said the smell was stomach churning (whatever that is). He decided that, as it was completely away from the footpath and out of the way and because he would never be able to pick it up anyway, we would leave the area as quickly as possible so that nobody noticed it was me that produced the smell. I don’t know what he has against the smells I produce … I’m quite proud of them! We carried on our walk and I did the run and pull on the long line game a bit, but I think he had the measure of me. When we came out in Tylers Close he changed my lead and we walked home with me only occasionally playing the ‘I’m stopping and refusing to move’ game. When we got in Richard was home and Alex said I had been a “complete nightmare” on our walk – I am not sure that Alex liked my idea of a naughty day!

This afternoon Alex had to go out again without me. I didn’t mind though because Richard was here and he said we were going to go for a walk. I did a bit of the jumping up and nipping game with Richard but he ignored me too. We went on a lovely walk up Bay Pond and through the churchyard and round Leigh Place which we haven’t done before. I decided that I would make it look like Alex was making it up about me being naughty today and I behaved impeccably with Richard! I don’t know whether I convinced him, but I hope that Richard thinks Alex is making it up. Alex went off to get the lens replaced in his phone – I don’t really know what I just said, but that is what he said he had to do. Apparently the lens was broken and the photos that he took were not coming out very well. He says you can see that in the photos here. In any event, it meant he had to wait for an hour or so whilst the lens was replaced. He actually said he had to “kill an hour in Redhill” but since it would be impossible to ‘kill’ an hour, I think it just meant wait. When he got back he grumbled to Richard that “killing an hour in Redhill is not easy” – apparently there are lots of closed shops and those that are still open are not very good in his opinion. The good news though is that whilst he was doing this ‘killing time’ thing he found a new toy for me and bought it. It was a rope with a tennis ball on the end of it. I had great fun playing with it for a little while after Alex got home, but I then came up with another idea – this rather more followed my naughty day theme – destroy it! It really didn’t take me long. I chewed into the tennis ball and then, once I had broken the skin, I just chewed and pulled until it was in a hundred pieces all over the floor. What fun!

This evening we are going to the pub to meet with Duncan. I am really looking forward to that because when I met Duncan I discovered that he understands Golden Retrievers because he used to have them when he was young and I like him. Alex has kind of suggested that if I continue my ‘naughty day’ he will not allow me to go, so I am going to have to put my naughty day on hold and behave. This may have some hidden benefits – I get to go the pub, I get to meet Duncan, I get to show off in the pub (it is the same one that I went to with Fran and Iain last weekend where lots of people made a fuss of me) and I suspect I might get a treat or two.

Actually thinking of fans, I have been rather keeping this to myself as I don’t care to boast – I now have over 480 fans in 14 countries! Clearly, my irresistible charm, good looks and amazing personality are appealing to the more sophisticated of the human population far and wide. I can obviously see my appeal but it is nice to know that so many people see it too!

It is now Saturday morning. We did go to the pub with Duncan last night and I had a lovely time. I met lots of new people who were all very nice and made a fuss of me (clearly also finding my irresistible charm, good looks and amazing personality very appealing) and I even met another dog. Myfanwy belongs to Sara and she is about the same age as me. I got on very well with her – we had the odd sniff of each other’s bottom, but we didn’t feel the need to bark at each other or to play too hard – it was all very nice. Duncan is lovely. He understands me and was really good with me. He made a fuss of me and knew exactly what I wanted. Actually, all of the people in the pub were nice. Lots of them said hello and talked to me (of course, I often don’t understand what they are actually saying, but it makes humans happy to think that I do!). Duncan, Richard and Alex had a meal which they all thought wasn’t bad. All that I know is that they all seemed to have a good time and, when we left the pub – at nearly 11 o’clock! – we walked home (Duncan got in one of those awful car things called a ‘taxi’), I was, frankly, a bit bushed. Richard and Alex decided to watch a bit of television before going to bed (a television, I have discovered, is a special box where little versions of humans talk to each other or do silly things … all very childish, but I can’t account for humans) and I took the only realistic option … put out a few ?s. We eventually went to bed (a bit late in my opinion) and I had a lovely night’s sleep. Today I am going to Jake and Zena’s for the day. Richard and Alex are going to a thing called a ‘theatre’ which I don’t really know what is but it involves a train (? nope, me neither!) and a place called ‘London’. They think I don’t know I’m going to Jake and Zena’s but I’m not silly – I can smell the opportunity a mile away (actually two, but that’s a different story). So, for now, must paws … ?