It’s a dog’s life you know. I have just realised it is a whole month since I last put paw to keyboard. It isn’t because nothing much has happened of any consequence but more because I’ve just been so busy. It isn’t easy constantly having to think of new ways to wind them up … particularly him! One of my favourite games at the moment is to be walking along and then I just flop to the floor and won’t get up until I’ve had a jolly good tummy rub. It’s particularly good fun if the ground is wet because not only do they seem to think it is disgusting having to rub the tummy of a wet dog but also they hate the smell of wet dog! I’m quite partial to the wet dog aroma but then my sense of smell is more refined than theirs. In fact, about 10,000 times more refined, but that’s a whole other story! I’ve actually just come home from a rather lovely walk with my bestest friend in the whole wide world, Jake. I haven’t seen him for ages and ages and ages because he doesn’t live at home anymore and I haven’t been able to see him because of lockdown and various other things. He’s cat sitting (yuk!) for Auntie Zena and Uncle Simon this weekend, so he came to see me and we went out for a walk without the hinderance of him and Daddy Richard. I took Jake and his girlfriend Jess to the Barley Mow in Tandridge which was luvely. I’m flamin’ cream crackered now though, so this may not be a long Glog!
Over the last few weeks I’ve had some pretty exciting times though. The weather has been pretty good (well actually it has been terrible for August but at least it has been mostly dry) so I’ve been able to go for some nice walks. Most days we stick to the same routes but just occasionally we go somewhere different. In the mornings we almost always “do Oxted Road” as they both say. Down Salisbury Road where I sometimes nearly manage to get BooBoo the cat – although strangely the great big ginger tom seems to always just give me the slip! Of course, when I do see BooBoo he complains that I almost take his arm out of its socket when I try to chase him but he’s always moaning about something! Anyway, out of Salisbury Road we wander past the houses where there are a couple of terriers that I apparently send into a frenzy every time I pass. I suspect that’s just their jealousy that I am such a handsome dog! Anyway, having terrorised them, we cross Oxted Road where I have an opportunity for a crafty flop (although I have noted recently that he is getting a bit wise to that one) and then we wander up Oxted Road. I used to pull like crazy up there but now I find it far more amusing to keep stopping, flopping down for a tummy rub or just drag back so that they have to keep asking me to get a move on.
Actually, if I hear him say “Monty! Shake a paw. Get a move on!” one more time, I swear I’ll … Anyway, somewhere up Oxted Road I usually find time to produce a two bagger. Daddy Richard usually picks that one up because he can pop it in the bin on the corner of Flower Lane. It’s amazing how we seem to walk routes where there are plenty of poo bins! Anyway, from there it’s a slow wander along Church Lane because I know there are lots of wabbits and squirrels along there and I don’t want to miss an opportunity! (More on that a bit later) and then I try a bit of ‘stealth mode’ at the church because I really want to walk around the churchyard and see if I can get at some wabbits in there but they rarely let me. Something to do with pulling their arms off or something! There’s a simple answer to that … let me off the lead and I’ll go and catch those pesky wabbits. Apparently though there is a sign there that says dogs must be kept on leads so it is hardly my fault. Anyway, if I don’t get to go around the churchyard, it is onto Bay Pond Path. Sometimes I sulk at the top of the path and refuse to move but it isn’t often very successful. We bumped into a family who were walking up the path and they spotted me refusing to move. They said how tired I must be but he just called me stubborn and obstinate and single minded and spoilt. Feel the love!!! So, I have to stay on the lead for the first part of the walk down Bay Pond Path because there is too much rusty barbed wire and I’ve been caught in that in the past and it isn’t very nice. When we have passed the majority of the barbed wire that I might get caught up on, I am allowed off lead. Sometimes I produce another two bagger but not always. There’s always a lot of messages to sniff on Bay Pond Path though because it is very popular with dogs! I do like to have a good sniff so that I can pick up my message and my p-mail. Once we get to the bottom of Bay Pond Path we sometimes say hello to Auntie Angela who always has a bowl of water out for the dogs but if she isn’t out then we wander into the High Street towards home. As we pass the Londis store there are often great opportunities to grab something to eat because people seem to go into the shop, buy pies or sandwiches and then come out, eat half and drop the other half on the pavement. It is a constant battle with him to try and get them without him stopping me. He says it is a disgusting habit but personally I find human food, other than the stuff he ‘cooks’, rather pleasing.
Talking of disgusting, I would like it on record here and now that it wasn’t my fault! Honestly, I have never heard language like it – well, not since the last time he got so aerated! As I mentioned, Church Lane has lots of animals along it. Mainly wabbits and squirrels, both of which I would rather like to catch. Anyway, we had just turned into Church Lane and there it was. I know that neither him nor Daddy Richard had seen it, so I had an opportunity. OK, it wasn’t perfect, but one has to accept what one can find. You see, there on the side of the road was a dead wabbit. It wasn’t entirely complete, something had obviously already had the rear portion but there was the front portion just asking for me to take it! I took my opportunity and moved at the speed of light (well, I am the fastest dog in dogdom … almost) and I grabbed that dead wabbit. Honestly, you’d think I’d committed the crime of the century! There was Daddy Richard shouting “Drop! Drop!” (yeah, right!) and him shouting “Drop! It’s disgusting!” Well, like I was going to drop it now!!! There we were, Daddy Richard almost bursting a blood vessel and shouting “Drop!”, him shouting “Drop!” in between profanities that a dog of my age and stature shouldn’t have to hear! I held fast. Then, he had the idea that he was going to prise my jaw apart. I held on for ages but eventually in a moment of lack of concentration on my part, he got my jaw apart and Daddy Richard, by now sporting a poo bag on his hand, grabbed the wabbit and slung it through the hedge into the field. Well, what was I supposed to do? I barked at them but to no avail. They were both calling me “disgusting” and as for him … honestly, not only was the language so bad it made Bernard Manning look clean (the young ones amongst you will have to look that one up!), but he dragged me unceremoniously along Church Lane and wouldn’t let me stop for a sniff again until we were safely inside Bay Pond Path. I don’t see what the problem was. The wabbit was dead anyway and would have made a rather tasty snack in my view! Anyway, I didn’t get to eat it, so I don’t know what all the fuss was about. Now, apparently, the whole episode has been named “Wabbitgate”!
So, other than that, life hasn’t been too exciting, that is, until last weekend. I knew something was happening, I could smell it in the air. Oh, and the fact that they spent half the day cleaning which is always a clue that something is going to occur. He was doing that cooking thing that he does and Daddy Richard was frantically tidying up and hoovering up dog hair (I wonder where that came from?!). I had a feeling in my water that I knew what it was and then, just after Daddy Richard got up from his afternoon nap – he claims he is just inspecting the inside of his eyelids, but I know different – the door opened and it was only flamin’ Nana and Grandad!! I haven’t seen them for ever and ever. They had come for dinner and were going to stay overnight. I was soooo excited! I ran around and jumped up and down and jumped on the furniture and chased my tail, I was just so excited! Grandad always makes a proper fuss of me and I can’t wait to see him. Nana makes a fuss too, but it was Grandad who I was so excited to see. When we went out for a walk (they called it taking me for an empty but I don’t know what they meant), I was so excited I couldn’t wait to get back! When we got back, he went into the kitchen and started that cooking thing he is so bad at (actually he split the béarnaise sauce when he forgot it was still over the hot water after he had made it, so he really was bad!) and I went in the lounge to spend some quality time with Grandad. It was perfect!
On Sunday morning we got up and did our usual walk before he cooked a late breakfast (yes, they still let him cook even after the disaster of the béarnaise sauce!) and then we all got into the car thingy. Grandad doesn’t usually come out with us nowadays because he finds the walking a bit of a strain but he was with us this time. We drove off and went to Happy Valley where I haven’t been for ever! I love Happy Valley because I don’t have to have a lead on. We don’t always go down into the valley (it is flamin’ steep getting back up!) but there are two humungous fields at the top where I can run around. Grandad sat on a bench and we all walked around the field. Well, I didn’t actually walk, I ran everywhere it was brilliant!! Nana didn’t exactly have her walking shoes on but she made it through the long grass and round the field. It was fab-you-luss! Frankly, when we got back to Grandad I was pretty cream crackered. I lay down on the ground and had a jolly good drink from my water that they had brought with them. When we got in the car thingy to come home, we had hardly left the car park and I was pushing out a few 💤s! So, there you have it, I’m completely cream crackered after my walk with my bestest friend in the whole wide world, Jake, and, frankly, I need to push out a few more of those 💤s, so for now, must paws … 🐾
