Flamin’ heck, it’s been a while!

Flamin’ heck, it’s been a while. The thing is, I got banned from putting paw to keyboard. I found myself in a spot of twubble again and I was banned from just about everything. It wasn’t my fault!! It’s him, he always blames me. You see, we went somewhere new. I rather liked it actually. It was a place called Petts Wood which, it turns out, is about a trillion miles away. He thought that Petts Wood was just south of Orpington (which is in itself about a million miles away) but it turned out to be quite a bit north of Orpington. Anyway, when we eventually got there we discovered that there are a couple of really good walks that you can follow. Daddy Richard chose the shorter one which he said was about 1.9km, so that was good. The walks are through the woods (obviously!) and there are loads of really good places to run off to and have a jolly good sniff. I had a luvely time until it all went a bit pear shaped. You see, there was this stream. Well … how was I supposed to know it was full of mud?! It turns out that it was quite smelly mud too!

Honestly, you should have heard it! Anybody would think I had committed the crime of the century. It was only a bit of smelly mud … well quite a lot actually. “I don’t want that stinking dog in my car!” I don’t know who he was talking about because I am called Monty and not “dog”. Frankly, I think he has completely lost the plot. He was blowing a gasket and fuming something about wanting me to act like a duck. All I heard was something like “Why can’t he ducking behave?” I wasn’t listening too carefully because by the colour of his face and the language that was coming out, I thought that it was a bit of an adult conversation! Anyway, one thing was for certain, I was definitely in twubble … a whole lot of twubble! When we eventually got back to the car thingy he insisted on driving home with the windows open, I don’t know why. As soon as we got home I was marched straight out into the garden for a shower. He spent ages washing me down whilst Daddy Richard held onto me so that I couldn’t get away. I made flamin’ sure that when he finally finished, I sprayed him with water with a jolly good shake!

So that was that. Banned! All keyboard privileges and other fun things removed. Actually, talking of fun, I found a new calendar the other day. Notwithstanding the rather difficult predicament I found myself in, it rather describes life generally, so I thought I’d share it here. So, with all privileges removed I have had to find other things to amuse me. I’ve had a few games of stone – nip outside, pick up a stone chuck it at the patio doors a few times until he gets sick of it and then try to smuggle the stone in when he opens he door. They haven’t gone down that well, so I’ve had to ration them because I didn’t want to get into any more twubble. I’ve relocated quite a few things in the last couple of weeks … it’ll take them quite some time to find them all, but generally I have had to be much better behaved for a while. It hasn’t been all bad though – I know how to pull at their heart strings, so I’ve found walking up and smiling with my head tilted slightly to one side works well, as does rolling over for a luvely tummy rub.

He has been doing quite a bit of that ‘work’ thing he claims he does. Honestly, every flippin’ morning he’s been getting up earlier and earlier and then going off to one ‘client’ or another. I reckon he’s just going off somewhere for a chat and I definitely know that he’s been seeing other doggies. Anyway, it means that I’ve got to spend quite a bit of quality time with Daddy Richard. We’ve been on some luvely walks around the village. Well, when I say ‘walk’, what I really mean is that I’ve towed him round some luvely walks. There have been some interesting changes around my regular walks. Green Lane has been seriously pruned back. Lots of people have been talking about it – he calls it ‘gossiping’ – but nobody really knows what is happening. He said that we should wait and see before getting all excited about it … he even told everyone at a village meeting that. The thing is, Green Lane was very overgrown and full of weeds and overgrown plants. The farmer seems to have pruned it back quite hard, but it will grow back. He has also removed the old rusty barbed wire fence which was, frankly, dangerous, so he says he might be improving it.

As we walked around the village today, we saw that the farmer was working in Green Lane so we went to have a look. It turns out that the farmer was installing a new fence. So, all that seems to have happened is that he has given the hedgerow a hard pruning that will quickly recover and he’s installing a new fence. At the moment there doesn’t seem to be any real reason for all the upset, but I’ll keep an eye on it. The weather forecast for today was not particularly good but it turns out that it has been a pretty good day. This morning I went out with Daddy Richard whilst he tried to have a lie in (it didn’t really work but at least he tried!) and when we were on our way back from Bay Pond Path I saw Auntie Lesley and Auntie Judy … not to have a woof with but they were in a car thingy. We’ve had a pretty good day actually even if they did go off to do some of that ‘shopping’ thing that they occasionally do and then, when they got back, he went off to see Auntie Sue who is going to cook them dinner today. He came back stinking of fenugreek (I’ll bet you didn’t know that I knew what fenugreek was!), so I’m guessing it’s curry again. They had curry last night – Chole which is the chickpea curry that he got so excited about when they were in India. Apparently, they were pretty happy with last night’s efforts, so he must have improved a bit in his cooking disasters! Anyway, it is now pretty close to my dinner time and I need to go for a quick constitutional first so I will try and not leave it so long next time but for now, must paws … ????