There’s twubble and then there’s twubble!

It has been a couple of weeks since I have put paw to keyboard. I would have done last weekend but, frankly, I was just in too much twubble! Looking back at my last Glog I realise now that I promised that I would put paw to keyboard at least once a week … but I hadn’t accounted for the fact that if I am in twubble then there’s little chance of it! It all started with my present from Auntie Jo – it’s a squeaky rubber toy that is really tough and durable and I’ve discovered it has a number of very useful purposes. Firstly, it makes an excellent trip hazard! Honestly, you should hear the language if he trips over it because I’ve left it strategically at the bottom of the stairs or in his study!! And it’s still me that gets into trouble!! Then there is the fact that it has lots of hard nodules all over it which are great for me to get my teeth around but, much more fun is when he steps on it without any shoes on – you should hear the things he comes out with! A dog of my age definitely shouldn’t hear that kind of thing! Oh, and finally, there’s the double whammy if you chew it for five minutes so that it gets lots and lots of slobber on it and then go and drop it in his lap his voice goes up in both pitch and volume as he screams words that I am sure I shouldn’t know!

He calls the airline ‘sleazyjet’ and moans about *being* kept in a pen with no seats before he gets in!

My regular fans will know that my last Glog was called ‘Blogs, Logs and Glogs …’ well, I’ve got another one to add to that … Clogs! You see … it’s like this … after playing games with my new toy for a couple of days, he only went and left me!!!! He went off to a place called Amsterdam and so I did a bit of Doogling to see if there was any reason at all why he might want to go there rather than spend time with me. Frankly … I did find out that there is a house there where someone called Anne Frank lived during the second world war and wondered if that is where the word ‘frankly’ comes from … I couldn’t find any reason at all. I did find out that they wear shoes called Clogs though, so I could have called my last Glog, ‘Blogs, Logs, Glogs and Clogs’! I found out that there were a couple of museums there with paintings in them that were painted by some famous blokes one of whom cut his ear off (strange people those Dutch!), but who would want to go and see them? There’s lots of canals but since I always seem to get into twubble if I have a dip in the water, I see no advantage to them and anyway, apparently he went for a ‘meeting’ and didn’t even bother go and see any of the bits I read about. I made sure that when he came home again the next day I gave him the complete cold shoulder – I let him know what I thought about him going off like that. And I kept it up for ages and ages … at least 20 seconds!!!! I think he got the message! I’ve heard a rumour that he’s planning another trip to Amsterdam too – allegedly he’s going to one of his ‘conferences’ … yeah right! I’ve heard it all before – he just goes off and has a jolly good time without even thinking about me once!

Oops! It seems that E’au de Silage isn’t all that popular in the human world!

So, finally we got to the weekend. I’m guessing that he was trying to make up for leaving me because we went on some different walks. Don’t get me wrong, I did have a nice time with Daddy Richard whilst he was away but we did tend to do the same walks but at the weekend we went somewhere different. On Saturday we walked through the churchyard and out to the fields behind Glebe House. Apparently my friend Mollie who lives with Poppy and Auntie Debbie and Uncle Jim had gone missing and there had been a reported sighting there but I like to think it was more about me having a lovely time but, whatever the reason, I had a lovely time but I got into terrible twubble. It wasn’t my fault! You see, when we got through the churchyard they let me off the lead. I had a lovely time until we got out to the open fields … well, actually, I had an even better time but that was when I got into twubble. I had a lovely run around in the field and then I noticed something particularly attractive on the ground so I had a jolly good roll around in it. It turns out that E’au de Silage isn’t all that popular in the human world! Honestly, you should have heard the fuss they made. Walking back down Bay Pond Path all I got was moaning and them apologising to other people about the smell!! As soon as we got home I got virtually dragged straight out into the garden for a very thorough shower! Mind you, I made sure that he got soaked too. Every time I got a chance I had a jolly good shake all over him!

I had such a lovely time running around on Ashdown Forest!

On Sunday we went somewhere I’ve never been before – Ashdown Forest. It’s absolutely fab-you-luss!! I was off lead from the moment we got out of the car and I could pretty much run around wherever I liked. I loved it!! Ashdown Forest is a rolling heathland of over 6,500 acres – 2,500 hectares for my fans who come from further afield and use metric measures … we went metric in 1971, so we’re starting to get used to it now but hectares are a bit of a leap of faith!! There was this stuff called ‘gorse’ which is very, very thorny which is not quite so nice – particularly if you get it stuck in your tail! So, I ran around everywhere – I looked at everything, I sniffed everything and I ran faster than the fastest dog in dogdom! Then it all went wrong again. It wasn’t my fault! As we were making our way back from the very bottom of the valley it started to get a bit wet and boggy. I had a lovely splash around in the muddy water and, yet again, I started to get into twubble. Moan, moan, moan – that’s all he ever does! Ok, so I was a bit wet and muddy – so what? It is hardly the first time. There we were him moaning all the time (nothing unusual about that) and then Daddy Richard started moaning at me when I dived into another particularly muddy piece of ground. Then I saw it. A huge great pile of horses poo. Well, I couldn’t resist and anyway I was already in big twubble, so I dived straight in for a roll around! Luvely!

They claim that being wet, muddy and wearing E’au de Horse isn’t the done thing!

Honestly, you would have thought that I had committed the crime of the century! All the way home it was moan, moan, moan. “My car is going to stink”, “How am I going to get the car clean?”, “He’s going to have to have another shower the instant we get home”, “I don’t know why we bothered”, it went on and on, all the way home! When we got home I was glad to get out of the car thingy just to get a moment away from all that moaning! Mind you, it was straight out into the garden again for another shower. It isn’t that I mind the water (as my fans will know) but I’m not much of a fan of having to wash all that lovely mud or horses poo or silage off after I’ve gone to the effort of jumping or rolling in it! I have to admit that I do quite like the hair dryer afterwards – I kind of roll on my back and let the warm air flow over me! That said I am a little bored of having to get a shower after we’ve been out to somewhere new. I mean, I know that they use warm water but it is the middle of winter after all!

This bench tastes quite nice! It’s flamin’ cold though!!

As the new week began, the temperature plumpeted. When the temperature plumpets it is very obvious that not so many doggies are out. On Monday morning it was flamin’ freezing! I mean literally freezing. We went for a walk up Bay Pond Path and the pond was frozen right over! All the birds that are usually swimming in the water were on top of the ice. As we walked up the path I discovered that the bench even had ice on it. I gave it a quick lick and it was quite nice actually. I rather liked the frozen water, it tasted a bit like the ice cube that I normally have of an evening when they have a small libation. I have to say that it was a very quiet morning, the pond was quite eerie. I have to say that when I paused for my morning constitutional it was rather amusing watching him getting a bag out to pick up a steaming pungent pile of poo! Daddy Richard appeared to have forgotten his roll of bags – or was finding it difficult to find them before he had got his out. I’m not one to cast aspersions but I do think there might have been some tactics there!

What? You don’t think I’ll catch that? I flamin’ will!

On Thursday he went off in the morning to do that ‘work’ thing he does. Daddy Richard was ‘working’ too but he was at home. I went for my morning walk with Daddy Richard because he wanted to get away early. He reappeared a lunchtime and they had had a little curry for lunch. They seem to like this Indian food rather a lot – it doesn’t half stink the house out sometimes … and they moan about a little E’au de Silage!!! I wouldn’t mind but they seem to cook it at least three or four times a week!! After they had finished their lunch we all went out for a short walk. Only a Salisbury Road, Dewlands, Court Road and back up the High Street, so hardly a long walk but it gave me a chance to have a bit of an empty, if you get my gist. When we got back we didn’t go back into the house, they wanted me to get into the car thingy. Now … I’m not stupid – a short walk and then the car thingy normally means I am going to go somewhere and get prodded, poked, stretched or given some dreadful medicine so I was having none of it. I was not going to jump into the car thingy under any circumstances! I didn’t need to – Daddy Richard picked me up and just dumped me in the back. It turned out we weren’t going anywhere bad at all. We were going to my wimming session with my personal therapists Emily, Katie and Sarah. I had a lovely time as usual. I don’t think I need my life jacket but I have to wear it when I go wimming but my personal therapists know best!

Oh for goodness sake man, can’t you see it’s raining! Let’s go home!!!

On Friday morning Daddy Richard went for one of his ~~breakfasts~~ meetings so I was left with him for my morning walk. It wasn’t a particularly nice morning and it was raining. I don’t really mind the rain but he seemed a bit less happy so he was carrying an umbrella. This wouldn’t normally be an issue but it sort of became one. It all started with a two bagger in Salisbury Road. That went OK. He managed to fumble with the bag, the umbrella, the lead etc. and all went well. But then, when we were in Oxted Road, I found a calling for another two bagger. The sight of him juggling an umbrella, a lead, two full poo bags, a roll of poo bags and trying to pick up again was hilarious!! I was laughing my paws off. When we got back he went off to ‘work’ again. Daddy Richard came home pretty soon after he had left though, so that was nice. When he came home Daddy Richard was chatting to him about that particular ~~breakfast~~ meeting and mentioned that he was thinking of going slight less regularly to that particular ~~breakfast~~ meeting. He said it was because he feels the other ones he go to are a “better fit”, although he did also mention that the breakfast isn’t as good at that particular meeting!!

So, what am I going to get out of this? I quite like fillet steak too!

So today the weather has been horrible. It is wet, cold and miserable. We’ve been out of course, but it has been pretty horrible. I’ve been wet, dirty and cold several times today. Not just that, but I’ve had to watch them eat things that, frankly, I would rather have eaten myself. Can you imagine the torture of watching them cook and eat a bacon sandwich and me getting none of it! Worse, you cannot imagine what they’re having tonight – fillet steak, salad, baked potato and home made béarnaise sauce (don’t worry he’ll muck that one up for sure … although he has a pretty good record of delivering it, I’ve heard!). What will I get? Absolutely nothing! If I get a lick of the plate I’ll be lucky. It has been a long couple of weeks and there have definitely been a few ups and downs. I don’t think I’ve ever been in as much twubble as I was last weekend, but it’s all forgotten now. I think I’m going to just let them get on with their ‘cooking’ and see what I can get out of it. So, for now, must paws … ????