Not a flamin’ clue!

Honestly, I can’t help but say this, he hasn’t got a flamin’ clue! I think I may have mentioned this in passing in the past, but he really isn’t very bright … some of my more discerning fans will know the human phrase, ‘The lights are on but nobody’s home’ – well in this case even the flamin’ lights aren’t on!!! I feel that, potentially, a little explanation is in order (although frankly just the mere mention of him is enough of an explanation!). You see, it all starts with a stick. Everyone knows, even the really dim ones, that sticks are an essential element of a dogs life. Humans used to throw them for us until some bright spark (clearly not him) discovered that they are dangerous because they could cause a very nasty injury. Words like ‘impaling’ and ‘penetrative injury’ make you shudder. One doggy doctor said “we see some very serious, life-threatening and, in some cases, fatal injuries which have happened after a dog has chased a stick”. So sticks should not be thrown for dogs. Got it ✅ But that doesn’t mean I can’t pick the odd one up. He ruins all my games and he is now trying to stop me from picking sticks up – he claims that if I chew them I could get splinters in my mouth and that some of them are poisonous. I wouldn’t mind but he tries to stop me from drinking puddles, tries to stop me from running into the road, tries to stop me from pulling, tries to stop me from laying down wherever takes my fancy and refusing to move, tries to stop me from eating horses poo, tries to stop me from having a jolly good roll around in some cow poo, he just tries to stop me having any fun at all. At the moment I’m not allowed to play, I’m not allowed to run, I’m not allowed off lead and, frankly, I’m just a little bit bored of it!

Mind you, not all things are bad. This week he went off on one of his jollies to a place called Copenhagen. So for most of Monday and all of Tuesday I got to spend some quality time with Daddy Richard. I like my quality time with Daddy Richard because I can get away with much more than I can with him! Daddy Richard doesn’t moan when I steal the tea towel, Daddy Richard doesn’t complain if I steal the oven cloth, Daddy Richard doesn’t moan (well, not too much) when I steal his glasses or get hold of the remote control for the TV and change channel! In fact, Daddy Richard doesn’t moan anything like he does! With almost two whole days of fun with Daddy Richard it was inevitable that he would come home eventually. When he got home on Tuesday evening I will admit I forgot for a moment or six that it was him and I was really quite pleased to see him. It wasn’t until I had had time to remember all the terrible things that he does that I realised I should never have let him know I was pleased to see him and that I had missed him! Fortunately it was quite late so we all went to bed and I’m pretty sure that by the morning he had forgotten I was pleased to see him and so I got away with it! Actually, talking of Wednesday morning … it was cold! I think that he might have had something to do with it. When he came home on Tuesday evening he kept saying how flamin’ cold it was in Copenhagen and that it was a shock to the system. Well, on Wednesday morning it was flamin’ cold here too and that was quite a shock to the system! I mean, don’t misunderstand me, it wasn’t as cold as it gets in some parts of the world but it was pretty cold for here. When we went for our morning walk (Daddy Richard was at one of his breakfasts meetings so I was stuck with him) it was minus one degree. I have looked this up on Fidopedia and discovered that that is below freezing point … and I know about freezing because that’s where I get my ice cube from in the evenings if I haven’t been too naughty (which, of course, I never am). Minus one degree is, of course, minus one degree Celsius (the scale named after some Swedish bloke called Anders Celsius, but that’s a whole different subject. In American I think that is about 30 degrees. For the benefit of my non-American fans, they use a scale called Fahrenheit to measure temperature there which is a system named after some Dutch, German, Polish bloke in 1724 (Daniel Gabriel Fahrenheit). The rest of the world uses the more modern Celsius scale which has only been around since 1742!

The thing about Wednesday is that it didn’t get much warmer all day. When I went for my lunchtime walk it was still only 2 degrees and you could still see your breath in the air. As for the steam coming off my poo, that was a whole different story! It was a cold, dank day with not a lot going for it. I must admit that even I was pretty keen to get home from our walk, it was just a bit too cold for comfort. I decided that a new game was in order to pass the time at home. Having given matters a great deal of thought and, having slept on it, I decided that we would have a new game of ‘sock’. ‘Sock’ is a particularly good game because it requires skill and dexterity to play. The first part of the game is really quite tricky but I’ve mastered it now. You go to the linen basket and then, with the tip of your nose, you lift up the lid. Then you have to shove your head in really quickly before the lid drops again and steal the nearest item of clothing. It can be anything but socks are definitely the best item of clothing to steal. You then drag the item (better still … items … but that’s really only for advanced players) of clothing around the house making sure to drag it across anything that you can find that might make it dirty/wet/unpalatable to humans (I have found my water bowl and my food bowl to both be particularly good for this stage of the game) before finally hiding it in a place that only you will know. The reason that the game is called ‘sock’ (I expect the majority of my fans have already guessed this!) is that socks come in pairs … correction, socks used to come in pairs … which makes it all the more satisfying. You should see the look on his face when he puts his hand down the side of the cushion to recover the coaster I have just knocked off the arm of his chair and finds a damp, messy sock as well! Coaster is another game for advanced players and requires perfect timing and agility. Put in simple terms, one waits until the target (i.e. him) has just lifted their glass, cup, mug or whatever they have by them and then using ones nose, push the coaster off the arm of the chair so that it drops down by the cushion. It can be quite hilarious watching him try to hold onto a hot cup of tea whilst fishing around down the side of the cushion for a coaster – particularly if it’s the third time you’ve done it on that cup of tea (although that’s for very high scorers!).

Talking of agility, my Auntie Jean sent him the video above the other day that shows real skill. She did wonder whether I had escaped but of course, the reality is that I am far more handsome than the doggy in the video (in fact, I am the handsomest dog in dogdom!) and, in any event, if it had been me that chap would have got nothing! I can’t remember whether I’ve ever mentioned this before but I am officially the handsomest dog in dogdom! I’m also one of the fastest dogs in dogdom … although I have to concede that there are faster dogs who are, of course, nowhere near as handsome as me and who simply don’t have my skill and intelligence!

As I mentioned earlier in my Glog today, he tries to ruin all my fun. I’m not allowed to do anything that I really like. Yesterday was a pretty miserable day all round and, when we went for a walk in Church Lane (I am walking just a little bit farther nowadays, now that we have passed the six week stage) it had been raining. When a car came hurtling down Green Lane – some do drive far too fast down such a small lane – we dived out of the way into a driveway which was, frankly, full of puddles. He doesn’t like me drinking from puddles, he claims that drinking the water could make me ill. I have done a bit of Doogling and it appears he may have a point but that isn’t going to stop me! It appears that I could catch a disease or something from drinking in a puddle but the thing is, I like the taste of puddle water! If we’re going to go where there are likely to be puddles, I’m pretty likely to try and drink them! Usually, if we’re out and about somewhere other than our usual walks, they tend to carry water with them for me. But if we’re on one of our usual walks they won’t unless it is really hot and when its really hot there don’t tend to be many puddles about! So, I guess that’s another thing that I’m going to have to learn not to want to do!

The very alert amongst my fans will also have noticed that I have not been wearing my rather spiffing harness this week. There is, unfortunately, a reason for that. You see, my harness has a strap that goes under my chest to secure it behind my two front legs. The trouble is it has made me very sore by my arm pits. Now, you won’t believe this … I mean even I had to take a double take and I have to live with him … he’s only gone and blamed me for it! He claims that it has rubbed and made me sore because I pull so much and so hard! And it gets worse … when he was talking to Auntie Zena about it she only went and agreed too! Honestly, the things I get the blame for. The good news is that the sores have got much better over the last week. In fact, they have pretty much healed up. The bad news is that I heard him talking to someone this morning about a ‘figure of eight’ lead. He asked a lady who was out with a very handsome Chocolate Labrador (although clearly not as handsome as me!) who was wearing one if it ‘worked’. She explained that he hated it but that yes, it works perfectly. I flamin’ know I saw him on an Amazon page today looking at ‘figure of eight’ leads! I’m going to have to keep a very close eye on the post in the next few days! I am now overdue a walk too. They have both spent virtually the whole afternoon with Uncle Simon and Auntie Zena putting up Christmas lights outside! They won’t even be switched on until the 1st December but it’s put me a long way behind for my late afternoon walk so, for now, must paws … ????