Flamin’ lampshades!

Now, I am not one to complain, I generally leave that up to him and he’s a world expert at it but … who on earth was it that thought stickin’ a flamin’ lampshade on me head was a good idea? Let me be absolutely clear about this … I don’t like lampshades! Not only are they a nightmare to negotiate around with – they keep catching on things – but they are really uncomfortable and worst of all, I can hardly get my head in a bowl of food to eat! OK, I will admit that I didn’t much feel like eating for the first few days I was home. I had a bit of a dodgy tummy anyway … I had been a bit loose in the bottom department whilst I was in the hospickle and, when I got home it took me a couple of days for that to sort itself out! Mind you, then they got all worried because I wasn’t back to my usual regularity – I would have thought it was fairly obvious … I wasn’t eating, so I didn’t need to go quite as often! Honestly, you wouldn’t believe that the human race has got as far as it has if you based your assumptions on him. Daddy Richard is a little more savvy but even he was getting worried that I wasn’t going. It was Sunday before I really felt like eating, and even then I wasn’t all that bothered. I think it was all the drugs that I was taking … it is a well known fact in the doggy world that drugs are bad and you shouldn’t take drugs but, clearly, in the human world they haven’t worked it out properly yet.

By Tuesday I had finished my tablets and, suddenly, I was ravenous! I could eat like the hungriest dog in dogdom! Actually, for a variety of reasons Tuesday was a bit of an odd day. Firstly, I had said goodbye to the flamin’ lampshade for the very last time, I hope! Secondly, I was hungry again because I had stopped taking the drugs and, thirdly, and I am not proud of this … I was feeling not a little grumpy. I was still in a bit of pain on Tuesday and, since I had stopped taking the pain killers and had not yet got back onto my Metacam (which I have had for virtually all my life!), I was definitely a bit on the grumpy side. Now, I am really not proud of this, I’m afraid I did something which really isn’t in my nature – I bit him! There, it’s out there now … I actually bit him! I really didn’t mean it and I am very, very sorry. My regular fans will know that it simply isn’t in my nature to be like that. I don’t know what came over me!! I was sitting by his feet and he put his hand down to stroke me and, I don’t know whether it was coming off the drugs, the fact that he had been out all day and left me whilst he had a day out in Eastbourne (oh, I know he claimed he was at a ‘Public Hearing’ but, frankly, I have no way of corroborating that and, regardless, he had left me) but I really growled. I think he was quite shocked by the tone of my growl but instead of taking heed, he still proceeded to stroke me. I don’t know what came over me but, in a flash of anger, I turned and bit him!! I do not condone violence of any kind and I am really quite ashamed of it. Fortunately, he wasn’t hurt (just a couple of teeth marks!) and I immediately realised what I had done and was very sorry. I have never bitten anyone before and I will never bite anyone again. We are were all friends again within a couple of minutes but I think we were both a bit shocked.

Fortunately, that incident hasn’t marred our relationship and, although I have my issues with him I would never bite anyone and I am truly ashamed! To be honest the vast majority of my time has been spent sleeping in the last 10 days. When I was on the drugs I was sleepy for the majority of the time and, since I stopped taking the drugs, I have done a lot of sleeping to keep a low profile. There was something else that didn’t work – that ridiculous playpen! That only lasted one night. Being shut in there was just too frustrating and I kept trying to jump out of it. At the moment I am not allowed to jump, or run, or play, so they took the strategic decision that it would be better if I was allowed to move around the room. When I was on drugs I couldn’t be bothered to even move around, so I just spend my days sleeping in pretty much the same place. Since I stopped taking drugs I have moved around a little more, but really only from one side of the room to the other, or into the study to spend some time with him. Every night Daddy Richard carries me up the stairs to bed and then, in the morning, he carries me down again. I am absolutely forbidden from using the stairs and there is a gate across them to make sure that I don’t try. To be fair to him with the ongoing problems of the slipped disc in his neck, even I don’t expect him to carry me up and down (although he has a couple of times). I’ll tell you how sick I’ve been – I haven’t even posted on Instapound since before my operation! Come to that I haven’t looked at Poochtome or anything. I did have a bit of a Doogle around to see how long it will be before I am fully recovered and it appears it could take about three months before I am fully fit. If I can’t return to normal walking, or at least some form of normal walking, soon I am going to go stir crazy! I have had a couple of ideas that might help to pass the time, but I have a feeling that I need to keep them to myself until I get an opportunity to test them out a bit!

In the last few days I have been finally beginning to feel a little better. I still sleep quite a bit but I have been having a few thoughts. I was wondering whether to start a WhatsYap group for doggies that have been put up for chopping around by their owners. The problem is, that since we are all incapacitated, we can’t leave the usual messages for each other so I’m not sure if I’m going to get that off the ground! He has been going out to do this ‘work’ thing he claims he does, so I’ve spent much of most days with Daddy Richard. He comes home and we all go out for a very short walk. That flamin’ sling thing isn’t exactly the most comfortable thing ever invented either! I mean, it might support my back legs but I’ve got other bits down there that do not exactly benefit from being held up in a sling, if you get my meaning! On Thursday evening when he came home from wherever it was that he had been, I met him at the door with a TV remote control. I’ve never seen him so pleased to see me with a remote control in my mouth! Usually he moans about just about everything I do but he was really pleased! He was genuinely pleased that I had a remote control in my mouth and said “Now I know he’s getting better!”. I don’t know what all that was about, I’ll bet he doesn’t thank me next time I pinch a remote control! He can be so difficult to read sometimes!

I must admit, I am feeling a bit better. I am not sure whether it’s going to last, but I haven’t been told off for anything in recent days. I’ve pinched the TV remote control, I’ve pinched his pants, I’ve pinched Daddy Richard’s watch, I’ve pinched his glasses and nothing, zero, zilch! I haven’t been told off once! The only time I detected a slight edge in his tone was when we were out walking the other evening. I don’t know what he expected, but clearly not what I did! You see, that flamin’ sling thing is a right pain! As I mentioned, it isn’t just my hips that are supported in there … there are other bits too. If I need a bit of a wee they have to get the timing just right and whip it away at the very last second! The other night I was out walking with him on his own. We got to sniff central and I gave him all the signs that I wanted a wee. He whipped the sling away at what he thought was the last second and I took my opportunity and dived onto the ground for a jolly good roll around. I know he wasn’t very happy about it and I definitely detected a bit of an edge in his voice, but even then he didn’t really tell me off! Of course, this walking lark is a bit of a pal of are! You see, as I improve day by day, I get more inclined towards my old ways of pulling, turning on them at the last minute and making life just a little bit more difficult than it needs to be. I don’t know why they are surprised … what is a dog supposed to do in this situation?

So, it all finally came to a bit of a head the other night when I was out with him on our own. We are now able to walk (aided with sling) down Salisbury Road, through Dewlands and Court Road and back up the High Street. It is only about a 10 minute walk, but it is much better than just Sniff Central and back! As we entered the High Street I felt the call of nature. I managed to squat down and produce an acceptable bag full (I am back to normal now in that department). Well, there he was with a lead in one hand, a sling in the other and trying to also use his phone as a torch so that he could see what he was doing and get a poo bag out and clear up at the same time!! It was hilarious!!! He was fumbling trying to hold the sling, lead and phone in one hand whilst trying to get a poo bag out of his pocket and pull it off the roll in the other! Eventually, a very kind gentleman came along and offered to help. Believe it or not, he actually took the poo bag, picked up and put it in the bin! As my regular fans will know, I can produce some pretty pungent stuff in that department! Not only was he kind but he was also very brave indeed! There isn’t a huge amount to laugh about at the moment but, if there has been one funny thing, it was that … watching him trying to juggle a sling, a lead, a phone and a roll of poo bags was certainly something to laugh at!

So, there’s my news … I am definitely improving. Both him and Daddy Richard have commented on how well I am sitting on my new hip and I am definitely feeling a lot better. He keeps telling me that it’ll all be worth it in the end. Mind you, that’s easy to say when you’re not the one who has had their leg chopped about! Still, my personal surgeon, Bonito de la Puerta, says that I will be completely pain free in a few weeks and able to do ‘normal’ things (little does he know, there is nothing ‘normal’ about me!) and I completely trust him. Progress will, inevitably, be slow but I’m fairly confident we’re on the right route now. He says that I’m doing so much better than the last time. I did try to point out to him that I’ve had enough flamin’ practice!!! There can’t be many dogs in this world (or even the doggy world) who can boast they’ve had three new hips! The next momentous step will be when we lose the sling. All being well, that’ll be Tuesday. Then it’s walking on lead for the next 12 weeks, but gradually we’ll be able to increase our walks to a more acceptable level. Do you know what he said to me earlier today? He actually suggested that whilst I’m on restricted exercise and strictly on lead, it might be an opportunity for me to learn to walk loosely on lead by his side!!! Dream on mate … that is definitely NOT going to happen! Time to put my head down again now though so, for now, must paws … ????