I’m always getting the blame for just about everything. Mostly it is just because he can’t find anyone else to blame, I’m absolutely sure of it. Take, for example, last Sunday morning … there we were out on our morning walk and I found myself drawn to a particularly muddy and dirty stream. I had a quick dip and it was all very satisfactory. When I got out (after being called by him and Daddy Richard several times but I pretended not to hear!), I admit I did have some rather muddy paws (and legs) and there was a bit of an aroma in the air, but how was that my fault? I didn’t put the mud in the stream, did I? I didn’t give it an aroma of cow slurry on a hot summer’s day, did I? So, which bit of that was my fault? Honestly, I really do wonder whether I made the right choice with these two sometimes! We got back from the walk and he insisted that I wash my feet and legs before I was allowed into the house. I decided that the best way of doing that – he was about to go and get a bowl full of water – was to jump into my paddling pool and have a jolly good splash around. It gave me the opportunity to have a quick taste at the same time, so I took a big slurp and I am now in a position to report that it didn’t taste that nice either! Judging by the state of my poo a bit later, it wasn’t that good for me either!
We hadn’t been home that long and the door bell rang. I do wish they’d get these floors fixed – I jumped up, barked at the top of my voice that I was coming (I don’t know why I bother, human’s almost never understand my barks!) and then ran as fast as I could in the direction of the door. All went well until I tried to stop at the door. I was moving at such a pace (have I ever mentioned that I’m the fastest dog in dogdom?) that stopping on that slippery floor proved to be more challenging than I had anticipated and I went crashing straight into the door and slid down in a crumpled heap. It’s OK though, I think I styled it out and made it look like I had intended to do that all the time! When he eventually arrived at the door and opened it, it turned out that it was the delivery driver from a place called ‘Amazon’. I’m not sure where Amazon is, but they come here quite a bit and Robert the delivery driver (I think he is probably called Robertski in real life, but his name badge says Robert!) knows my name, so that’s nice. Inside the parcel was a ‘no pull’ harness. ‘No pull’ my left paw … we’ll see about that! It said on the packet that it “Stops pulling instantly”. Apparently, if I pull on the harness, it will gently tighten around me and lift me slightly which I will find uncomfortable and so I’ll stop pulling.
So on went the harness straight away and no sooner had I drawn breath, but we all jumped in the car thingy (well, actually I didn’t really fancy it, so I barked a bit until I was lifted in) and off we went. It turned out we were going to this place called ‘Chartwell’ where some famous bloke called ‘Churchill’ lived. I’m not sure about that … as far as I’m concerned ‘Churchill’ is definitely a dog and he nods a lot and says “Oh yes” but not much else. Anyway, it was somewhere new to have a jolly good sniff around and, apparently, to try out the ‘no pull’ harness. It had come with excellent reviews and they all gave it five stars and said that it stopped their dog pulling instantly. Now, how can I put this? Let me just say that I wasn’t going to let a little thing like that stop me! I dragged him all around the grounds of Chartwell with a force that even I had forgotten I have! Suffice to say that the ‘no pull’ harness has now been packaged up and returned to Amazon with a note that says it makes absolutely no difference whatsoever! That said, I did actually enjoy my trip to Chartwell and wouldn’t mind returning there in the future. Apparently Daddy Richard and him would also like to return in the future and to take a gentle stroll around the grounds rather than being dragged at breakneck speed! We’ll see!
We’d only just arrived home from our trip to Chartwell and Daddy Richard’s phone rang. It was Nana and I think she was a little cross – apparently Daddy Richard had been invited to go and meet some relatives of his who live in the village and who he has never met. Because we were late back from Chartwell, we were late to go and meet them too! Not 5 minutes after we had arrived home we were off out again. They live in some cottages off Ockley’s Mead – we don’t often walk around that way because there isn’t anywhere that I can have a jolly good run about off lead. Daddy Richard put the address in his phone and off we went. He thought they were at one end of Ockley’s Mead, but Daddy Richard said that they were at the other end. Having walked the entire length of the road it transpired, and I know you’re going to find this as hard to believe as I did, that he was right! So we walked all the way round and back to the beginning where Grandad was standing in the middle of the road wondering where on earth we could have got to! We were all a bit hot and bothered by then, but one we got in and met Auntie Linda and Uncle Steve and they (Daddy Richard and him) had a glass of red wine in their hands, all was forgotten. It was explained to me how they are all related but I can’t remember now. I know that Grandad has a brother called Horry (Horace) but that Auntie Linda and Uncle Steve call him ‘Nobby’ and that somehow or other Auntie Lesley is related to him and Auntie Judy too, I think but all this relating to someone else stuff is making my brain hurt! Anyway, it turns out that Auntie Linda sometimes looks after her ‘grand dog’ who’s human is her daughter and that meant she knew how to push my buttons, if you see what I mean. She only had some tennis balls that I could chase, chew and destroy! When we left them, I still had one in my mouth and she let me keep it … although when we got home it was rather unceremoniously removed from my mouth and I haven’t seen it since!
Monday was a day without incident and rather quiet. He went off to Market Harborough to visit Grandma again which meant that I got to spend some quality time with Daddy Richard. He got to see Auntie Jo again and I am very jealous! I was very well behaved all day and we had a lovely time. Well, actually, thinking about it, I spent most of the day pushing out ????s, but that’s good sometimes. Tuesday was a little different. He went off to do that work thing he claims he does – I reckon it’s just an excuse to get out the house for a few hours but I just can’t prove it! In the evening when we went for a walk, we came across a deer who was quite literally standing in the middle of the road in Church Lane. We kept our distance so as not to frighten it too much and, after a couple of minutes, it ran off into the fields adjacent to Green Lane. We carried on walking until we got to Green Lane and then, he took my lead off. Well, I couldn’t resist it! I found a gap in the fence, jumped through it and ran at lightning speed to catch the deer which was, by now, in the middle of the field. It turns out that deer are pretty quick too! No sooner than it saw me come through the fence it was off! I reckon that the head start was the only reason I didn’t catch it but he says that the deer was faster than me! Anyway, it did cause me to wonder what would happen if the deer couldn’t see me, but then it would have ‘no eye deer’! Do you get it?! Of course, if it was stood there and hadn’t noticed me it would be ‘still no eye deer’! He, he! I found these in an old (very old!) human joke book but they did make me chuckle slightly! When I eventually got back through the gap in the fence I don’t think they were too happy with me – I got no treats and they said something about me having no idea (there we go again … no eye deer!) of how frightened the deer might have been. Oh well, as usual I get the blame!!!
On Wednesday morning Daddy Richard had gone out to one of his breakfasts … sorry, I meant ‘networking events’ … and so I was left with him. We did the usual Oxted Road, Church Lane and Bay Pond Path thing, but half way down Bay Pond Path we bumped into Auntie Fran. She was walking some other doggies so we stopped to say hello and have a jolly good sniff of each others bottoms and other parts. When we left Auntie Fran we walked down to the bottom of Bay Pond Path and then we crossed the road to The Green. That was the first time I have been onto The Green since the incident with the football during the football game. Although I was given quite a lot of lead to run about with, I wasn’t allowed off lead again. I think that it is going to be a little while until I am allowed on The Green off lead and I don’t think it is going to happen if there is any sign of balls on there! I did pose for couple of photos for my fans, but the sun got in my eyes so they weren’t perfect photos. Mind you, with him pointing the camera, what hope do we have anyway?! He has started taking the odd video clip too and I’ve posted them on Instagram (@MontyRetriever) but I don’t think he’s clever enough to work out how I post video on here. I suppose it’ll end up with me having to do a bit of Doogling or asking around on Poochtome or maybe even finding something on Fidopedia!
Thursday was a pretty normal sort of day. We went out for a walk in the morning but we didn’t do our usual route. We went all they way up Bletchingley Road until we got to the footpath that takes us into North Park Lane. Then we turned up the Haul Route (we weren’t really supposed to do that but the alternative was to walk all the way to the Orpheus Centre and then back through the field of sheep … he was a bit worried that I might roll in the sheep’s poo or try and eat it, so we had to avoid it) and then turned off the Haul Route back into The Hollow and down to Hilly Fields. It was quite nice but they both got quite cross with me when I ran out onto the track that leads to the main road. I did come back though when they eventually got the treats out! After my wimming session with my personal therapists Emily, Katie and Stef, we went on a slightly shorter walk in the evening and ended up walking around the church yard. Finally, he seemed to get his act together for about 10 seconds and managed to take a half decent photo for my fans! Honestly, I don’t know why he finds it so difficult … after all, I am the handsomest dog in dogdom!
On Friday morning Daddy Richard went off for one of his breakfasts … sorry, networking events … (although I did overhear him saying that he couldn’t quite finish the breakfast, so I feel I have some justification for my error!) and so I was left with him first thing. Daddy Richard got mixed up on where the event was being held and so had to dash through the country lanes to get there on time. He got held up on the way by a couple of ponies that were wandering in the middle of the road! I took him out for a walk around Oxted Road, Church Lane and Bay Pond Path but when we got back we didn’t go into our house, we kept on going. Now, I think I may have mentioned this in the past, but he isn’t very clever … about as clever as a turkey that votes for Christmas, I you get my gist! Anyway, I instantly knew that we were going to visit Auntie Zena, so I literally dragged him down there before he could even draw breath. When we got there I had an even better surprise … my bestest friend in the whole wide world, Jake, was there too! I ran in and forgot all about him in an instant! It turned out that he and Daddy Richard were going to meet up and go and visit a potential ‘client’. I have looked on Fidopedia and, apparently, it means ‘a person who pays a professional person or organisation for services’. Amazing though it might be, it turns out that they have won a couple of really good pieces of business with new ‘clients’ recently. Apparently, they keep books and are bookkeepers … oh, I can’t be bothered to look everything up! I’m guessing it must be Daddy Richard who is the ‘professional’ one but I really can’t be bothered to start looking up what that all means now!
Today I have been quite busy. We went out for a walk this morning – over Hilly Fields, up to the Haul Route, down the Haul Route into North Park Lane and through the footpath to Bletchingley Road. We bumped into Auntie Fran again but she didn’t have any other doggies with her this time. We said “hello” and then went back home. After he had watched yet another of his cooking programmes … have I mentioned how bad he is – can’t cook for toffee which is why he has to do so much practice! Oh well, that’s for another time. Anyway, after he had watched ‘Saturday Kitchen’ or whatever he said it was called, they both went out for a couple of hours. I didn’t mind, it gave me a chance to push out a few ????s and catch up on my dreams. When they came home they had some lunch and then we went out again for another walk. That was good! When we got back, they went off to somewhere called Lidl in somewhere called Sevenoaks – I was going to look it up but, frankly, I am not sure I can be bothered at the moment because I’m getting just a little tired now. Anyway, Sevenoaks must be a long way away because it was raining there and it wasn’t raining here! Apparently, they came across the most beautiful pair of golden retrievers just laying there waiting for their owners to return even in the rain. They said that they were really well behaved and very beautiful. Frankly, I am now not even talking to them because I am the handsomest dog in dogdom and I feel quite insulted! As for the comment about good behaviour, what have I ever done that is naughty?! I have just got my revenge with a really pungent bottom burp – in fact, it’s so bad, even I am going to have to leave the room so, for now, must paws … ????
