It’s been a bit of a week one way and another. It all started on Monday when we went out for a walk in the morning. I am now so into my Instagram that I feel I need to post at least one picture a day. The problem comes from the fact that I am totally reliant on him. You see, I can’t take my own photo because my paws don’t extend far enough to take a selfie. That means that I have to rely on him to take the photo. I pose for the perfect photo and about one time in ten he seems to get it right. Honestly, I do all the hard work … I pose and demonstrate my handsomeness, I show how I am the most handsomest dog in dogdom, I look good in what are, frankly, quite often dodgy surroundings and he still can’t get it right! I suppose the odd one isn’t too bad but honestly, if you knew how long I have to stand there posing, you wouldn’t believe it! Anyway, we finally managed to get a photo so that I could post it on Instagram. I must say that the idea of posting on Instagram (@MontyRetriever) is quite good. I don’t have to put paw to keyboard and write loads of words (not that I find that much of a problem!) and it is all pretty immediate. The only downside is that it is nowhere near as good a system as Instapound that we have in the doggy world. Instapound is far more sophisticated – of course you can add photos, of course you can add video, but you can’t add smells too! Can you imagine the fun when someone posts a photo of their poo with smell too! I can’t even begin to tell you how exciting it is when someone posts a photo of some horses poo with smell attached! I am sure humans will catch up eventually, but who knows when.
Another thing that happened on Monday was that I discovered a slight leak behind the reservoir on the path between Tylers Close field and the top of The Hollow. It was great fun splashing along the path! It was about three inches deep in water and rushing too. I paddled my way along and they (him and Daddy Richard) waded their way along the path and we were all thoroughly wet! When we got home (which wasn’t immediately because they decided to stop off at the bakery for a bacon sandwich … well, in Daddy Richard’s case, a bacon sandwich, a cup of tea and two donuts!) I had a woof with him and told him to report it to the water board. He did as I asked (which is pretty flamin’ amazing in itself!) and used their website to mark the leak and report it. Now, I don’t like to mention this but sometimes humans really are a bit lacking in brain power. A couple of hours later, I got him to check the website for an update. You won’t believe this but it had been updated, it said “We have no infrastructure in that area and there is no leak”! I got him to phone up and speak to someone. He spoke to someone on the jellybone thing who confirmed that they have no infrastructure in the area. I think I have mentioned this before, but he isn’t very useful … about as useful as a bucket with a hole in it, if you get my gist! Anyway, even he showed a moment of lucidness when he said to the person he was talking to, “I beg to differ but you do have infrastructure in the area – you have Godstone reservoir which you own, a large pumping station and a reed bed filtering system”, finally the person on the phone said, “Oh yes, so we have. We’ll send someone out” – honestly, humans can be pretty thick sometimes!
On Monday afternoon there was some good news too. Auntie Zena and Uncle Simon came home from their holiday in Mauritius. That was definitely and ‘up’! I didn’t see them on Monday because they were very tired, but I did see them on Tuesday afternoon. When they arrived I was sooooooooo excited! I saw all of their photos and it looked like a lovely place to be. Auntie Zena said that she had fallen in love with a dog in Mauritius and I thought I was a bit jealous but then I realised that it is a very long way away so she won’t be going to see her again anytime soon! The bad news on Tuesday was when he got a phone call and heard that Grandma had been taken to the hospickle – she had gone for a routine blood test and they got all worried about her having a very irregular heart beat so they took her to hospickle. That was a ‘down’! Grandma’s friend Doris ended up with a ridiculously long day because she had give Grandma a lift to the blood test at 10 o’clock in the morning and then went with her to the hospickle before finally getting home at about 8 o’clock in the evening! It was all a bit of a nightmare, I think but at least Grandma was in the right place. He went out for one of his meetings in the evening, so I got to spend some quality time with Daddy Richard which was nice. When he got home he ended up sending text messages to all sorts of people to try and make sure everyone who needed to know about Grandma was up-to-date. It was all very tiring!
On Wednesday he went to visit Grandma in the hospickle. He only went and saw Auntie Jo too! I haven’t seen Auntie Jo for ages and ages and ages! He went to Auntie Jo’s house and picked her up so that they could both go to the hospickle. When they got there Grandma thought she might be going to be let out because they had given her a tablet and if her heart stabilised they would let her out. Him and Auntie Jo spent about four hours with Grandma before they finally found out that Grandma wasn’t going to be allowed out of the hospickle and was going to stay overnight. Eventually, he dropped Auntie Jo home and then eventually arrived home at about 10 o’clock in the evening. Now, I want to say at this point that it wasn’t my fault! You see, when he came through the door Daddy Richard said, “I wouldn’t kiss the dog if I were you!”. That wasn’t very nice. You see, on our walk in the evening it was just Daddy Richard and me. As we walked up Green Lane I spotted a recently deceased rabbit. I picked it up and turned around and Daddy Richard wasn’t very impressed. The rabbit was rather messy with its entrails hanging out and so Daddy Richard told me to drop it. I wasn’t giving up a treat like that too easily! Eventually, with the help of a poo bag and a bit of a tug-o-war, Daddy Richard managed to get most of the rabbit off me (which wasn’t very nice) but I ate the rest! Daddy Richard definitely wan’t very happy with me … I don’t know why!
On Thursday I went wimming. I had these really cool hock supports on during my wimming session. They were camouflage so nobody could see me! I had a really good time there with my personal therapists, although I did make a small discovery … I have been calling my personal therapist Steph, Zoe. I was a bit embarrassed really. I know that there is no excuse but it is because I used to have a personal therapist called Zoe but she left and I didn’t know her very well so I never noticed that Zoe had become Steph, if you see what I mean! So, now that I have it worked out, I know that my personal therapists are Emily, Katie and Steph. It is all very complicated for me to remember so many people’s names and faces! I can’t rely on him because he is absolutely dreadful – he can’t even get my name right … he calls me ‘Monty’, ‘Big Boy’, ‘The Monster’ and several other names that I couldn’t possibly repeat here. Daddy Richard isn’t a lot better because he calls me ‘Monty’ and ‘The Monster’ but he also calls me ‘Montski’ and ‘Montsty’ which is a bit weird! Quite honestly, this whole name thing is all a bit complicated. In the doggy world we don’t bother with names – we simply rely on the pitch of each other’s bark and the smell. I don’t understand why humans can’t adopt the doggy world method of identification by simply wandering up and having a jolly good sniff of each other’s bottom and other bits – it works perfectly for us and, as I have already established, the doggy world is far superior to the human world! Anyway, I know now. I won’t be getting it wrong again. Steph didn’t seem to mind so I think I’ll be OK from now onwards.
Friday was a relatively quiet day. Daddy Richard went out to do his ‘business development’ thing. Apparently, this usually involves a ‘full English’ breakfast which, on this occasion, he struggled to finish! It seems that the ‘networking groups’ that he attends largely revolve around food … they do breakfast meetings, lunch meetings and even dinner meetings! I had to put up with him on my morning walk which was a bit of a disappointment, but what can I say? Actually, we had a reasonable walk through Salisbury Road, Oxted Road, Church Lane and Bay Pond Path. I produced a huge two bagger which he had to carry for ages before he could find a bin! He was supposed to go and work for a client later in the morning but the client cancelled so he stayed at home. I took no interest in this and lay there pushing out ????s. Daddy Richard came home and, after a small lunch (well, he had already had a ‘full English’!), they went out to another of their meetings. I think that went well because they came home in quite a good mood and he even made quite a fuss of me! In the evening we all went down to Auntie Zena and Uncle Simon’s house where I got to spend some quality time with my bestest friend in the whole wide world, Jake! He is great!!!!
On Saturday he went off to Leicester to collect Grandma from hospital and take her home. It didn’t go well. Having got stuck in traffic, it took him 4½ hours to get there and then it turned out that they were waiting for a doctor to sign off on an ECG. After 2 hours that happened and then they had to issue the TTOs (this apparently means, ‘To Take Out’ and means the drugs that she would need after leaving the hospickle and the letter for her doctor – why can’t they just say that?!) which required another doctor to do it. After another hour they said that they couldn’t issue the TTOs on Saturday and that Grandma would have to remain in hospickle until Sunday when they would do it! Neither Grandma nor him were very happy about this but had to accept it so he left and popped in to see Auntie Jo on the way home. She’s luvely! I haven’t seen her for ages and ages and ages but she gave him a present for me. I got a bone chew and a some chicken fillets which are my absolute favourite! When he got home he put them in the kitchen where he thought they were out of reach for me. It turns out he underestimated me again! I got the chew and ran off with it! He was trying to tell me off so I went and sat next to Daddy Richard for protection! That worked and I kept the chew!
Yesterday they went out for ‘lunch’ and I wasn’t invited. (Actually, I was invited but they decided that, since the hosts had a cat, it was too high risk to take me … I can’t imagine why!) I went to spend some quality time with Auntie Zena, Uncle Simon and my bestest friend in the whole wide world, Jake. I had a lovely time! When they eventually decided to return from their ‘lunch’ (at 6.30pm!) I was out walking with Auntie Zena and Uncle Simon. They assumed we were all in the pub but we weren’t – we had walked all around Green Lane, Church Lane, through the churchyard, round Leigh Place, back up Church Lane and down Bay Pond path … it was miles!! Auntie Zena decided that I could choose where we walked, so I did! I discovered that, not only had the very generous people (they’d have to be to put up with them … particularly him!) who had hosted the lunch got a cat but they also had a dog. It was only a golden retriever! Her name is Tilly and she’s 8 years old. She looks luvely! He said she was much better behaved than I am but, in my opinion, my behaviour is impeccable so I don’t know what he meant! Mind you, sometimes he does say some rather stupid things!
He had an email from Mrs P the other day. Apparently she hasn’t been receiving my short missives! He promised to look into it but it’s taken him a few days. It turns out that those nasty people at iCloud have been treating my missives as ‘spam’! It only happens for people with an iCloud email address – .mac.com or me.com addresses work but not iCloud.com. Fortunately, Mrs P has an alternative address which I have now added. It is a bit more difficult for Auntie Jo and Auntie Sue, but I’m trying. I don’t know why the people at iCloud are picking on me, but I’ll get him to have a word. It seems that, for some reason, they don’t like email from Mailchimp but I don’t have any choice – that’s the account that he has and I have to use that. I have had a woof with him and asked him to investigate further because I don’t want that to happen in the future. I don’t suppose he will get around to it any time soon, but it is on his ‘to do’ list. All this typing is making my paws ache again. I think I’m going to have to cut down on my missives. Uncle Bren has just arrived to discuss something called the ‘Local Plan’ – I have no idea what that is so I’m going to push out some ????s. So, for now, must paws … ????
