Oops! It’s been a bit of a rocky week …

When I last put paw to keyboard I said it wasn’t fair. And it wasn’t because I kept getting the blame for every little incident and I had also found out that I’m going to have to have my other leg chopped about. But then I looked back at the photograph I had used for my woofings and realised that, actually, it wasn’t strictly true. In the photograph I realised that the fair was actually moving in, so strictly speaking it was fair! Anyway, now that we’ve got that out of the way I have something else to report … Uncle Don replied to my last woofings and told me that he was on top of a hill in The Chilterns. He said, ” I’m helping out on a RAYNET event (you won’t find that in Fidopedia).” I think he slightly underestimates Fidopedia because I found this entry: ‘The Radio Amateurs’ Emergency Network, also known as RAYNET, is a British national voluntary communications service provided by amateur radio operators. It was formed in 1953 and exists to supplement national communication channels in the event of an emergency. The capitalised word RAYNET is a registered trademark of the Radio Society of Great Britain.‘ I had a bit of a search around and I think it is pretty similar to POONET (the Pooch On Operations Network that we use at events like ‘Bark in the Park’ and our annual Woofafon) … obviously RAYNET won’t be as good as POONET but humans often seem to borrow things from the doggy world and then poorly replicate them.

Uncle Don did say it was blinkin’ cold. Hmm, well it did get pretty flamin’ cold here too. On Sunday morning I took Grandma to Standen House to show her the tulips. For some strange reason humans like tulips but I think they’re pretty pointless because I can’t eat them (they’re poisonous to me), I can’t play with them and, frankly, they just get in the way … however, she liked them I think, so that was OK. Just as we were leaving Standen House it started to rain. And rain it did! It was cold and miserable all afternoon. I did take them out for a walk later in the afternoon when it eased off slightly, but it basically rained for the rest of the day. The good news is that Sunday was a day almost without incident. There was only one minor issue which was hardly my fault – I was having a little tidy up and I couldn’t see any good reason why Grandma needed both slippers, so I picked on up and put it somewhere out of the way. The only problem was that they couldn’t find it. Well, that is positively not my fault. I knew exactly where it was, they only had to ask. Instead, as usual, he was moaning and groaning saying something about “That dog!”. I’m not sure who ‘that dog’ is … if he meant me, he should have called me by name – Montgomery, Oliver, Nigel, Tarquin, York – I will accept Monty for short, but I will not accept “that dog”!

On Monday he got a bit of payback for his rudeness of the evening before. It was really cold and miserable. It rained, and I mean properly rained, and he got soaked! We popped out for our morning constitutional. Daddy Richard didn’t come because it was raining so hard and it seemed pointless for both of them to get wet. So I had to put up with him for an entire walk on my own. It was freezing flamin’ cold too. Only just over three degrees when we went out (that’s a good name for a pop group, I must tweet my friend Simon Cowell and suggest it!) and it really was raining. I don’t really mind the rain … or the cold … because my coat is designed to handle pretty much all weathers, but humans aren’t very good at dealing with the wet and cold (I sometimes wonder what humans are good for at all, but that’s a whole different issue!). By the time we got back he was properly soaked through. As ever, when it’s raining, we didn’t see a soul … I wonder where they all go when it rains. Anyway, he needed a complete change of clothes when we got home. He probably wouldn’t have needed a new shirt as the big raincoat he was wearing had kept his top half pretty dry but just as he took his coat off and picked up a towel to give me a bit of a dry, I decided to have a jolly good shake. I can get rid of 70% of the water (actually it was muddy water) just through having a jolly good shake … it just so happened that he was in the firing line, if you get what I mean. It was actually really funny and I laughed my paws off, but I’m not sure that he quite saw the funny side. Oh well, do I care? Nope!

The weather really didn’t improve much in the afternoon either. I popped out for a constitutional (three bagger!) and the rain really hadn’t eased off that much. It was slightly warmer at nearly six degrees (not such a good name for a pop group, I don’t think I’ll bother with that one!) but it was still flamin’ wet! I had a jolly good run around on Bay Pond path but, as usual, the place was deserted in the rain. Now, I think I may have mentioned this in the past, but he isn’t very clever … has the IQ of a 99 without the flake, if you get my gist. As we walked (well I ran) down Bay Pond path he kept calling me back … he said something about testing my recall. (There is nothing wrong with my recall … I remember everything and one day it will be pay back day!) Well, if he wants me to come running all the way back when I’ve just run about a gazillion miles to get away from him, he needs to make sure he’s got enough treats for me! He only went and ran out of flamin treats! There I was, quite out of breath (I may be the handsomest dog in dogdom, I may be the smartest dog in dogdom, but I’m afraid with my hips I am not the fittest dog in dogdom … yet) and he put his hand in his pocket and there was nothing. OK, he made a fuss of me but I would expect nothing less, but no treats! What is the world coming to!

On Tuesday, the weather was much, much better. Daddy Richard came out too which made things much more pleasurable. There was though, I have to be honest, another small ‘incident’. As usual, I got the blame, but I’m getting used to that! You see, it’s like this … Daddy Richard had just made himself an omelette for lunch and he and him were just sitting down to eat (he was having ‘Penne Arrabbiata’ which is his favourite – just a bit of garlic, a bit of chilli and some tomatoes all stewed up and chucked over pasta … I can’t see what all the fuss is about!) and I sort of jumped up on to the butcher’s block for a quick look around whilst they had their backs turned. Well, I saw this interesting looking box that looked like it had six feet. I sort of pulled it to the edge and it sort of fell off! The eggs all fell on the floor and broke, so I sort of ate them. The first thing he did was Google “can my dog eat eggs” (apparently they can and they’re even good for us … one dog website called ‘Dogs Naturally’ says, “If eggs are fed with the shell on, they are a nearly complete food source for dogs.” and goes on to explain why they are good for us) and, having established that we can, then next thing he did (apart from taking my photograph!) was start moaning again. I’m sure he called me ‘that dog’ again … or at least it was something similar and I think there might have been a word between ‘that’ and ‘dog’ but I wasn’t really listening since I was rather enjoying an egg! I am going to have to have a woof with Daddy Richard about him and the things he says!

Unfortunately, Wednesday was another horrible day of wind, rain and cold but on Thursday the weather started to pick up again. Though Thursday was a bit of an odd day. We went out for our morning constitutional and all was fine but when we got back Uncle Malcolm appeared and what happened? We turned around and went out again. Now, I’m not complaining about going out, but what was the point in that? They were going to do something called ‘voting’. I’m not sure about that … fortunately we don’t have it in the doggy world. I did look it up out of mild interest and I really don’t know why they bother. The last time they all did that voting thing, the government (I’m not really quite sure who they are and I can’t be bothered to look) lost loads of seats, so what was the point in that? The time before some bloke painted something on the side of a bus and then loads of people voted thinking they were voting for utopia … it turned out not to be true but it’s all too late now and quite a lot of people regret voting for it but can’t change it and are forecasting dystopia (look it up, I had to!). Anyway, they did this voting thing right back at the White Hart Barn that we had passed on our first walk!

We came home from the voting thing and I got bundled straight into the car thingy! Off we went for one of my wimming sessions. Now, I have developed a new game there – I wait until the very last minute, plant myself firmly on the floor in reception and wait until my personal therapists pick me up and carry me in. It is rather fun and has been working well recently! Anyway, I had my wimming session and we eventually got home. I wasn’t far off pushing out a few ????s when would you believe it, we were off out again! This time for a walk through Salisbury Road and Dewlands to Green Lane and then back via Bay Pond path. We got home and I got unceremoniously bundled back into the car thingy and off we went to see my personal Doggy Doctor at Crown Vets. It turns out I was due a vaccination (although I can’t remember what for) and so, Michael gave me a treat and then stabbed me in the neck! Actually, it didn’t hurt and I don’t mind but I spat the treat out in protest. When he tried to give it back to me I spat it out again. Then, just when he thought the game was over, I took it off him, planted myself on the floor of Michael’s office and refused to move! Guess what? More moaning! Honestly, does he ever do anything else! After much apologising (I cannot imagine what for!) we finally left and went home. By the time we got there I was completely cream crackered and only had just about enough energy to push out ????s!

On Thursday evening they all went out without me. I know I was pretty cream crackered but it would have been nice to have been asked! They went to the launch party at the White Hart and judging by the state of them when they came home, I would say that the drinks were pretty free flowing! They even went there with Angela, which really adds insult to injury! After a good night’s sleep on Thursday, Friday turned out to be a really nice day. The weather was fantastic, I really enjoyed being out in the sunshine for a change and even he wasn’t too bad. Apparently, whatever it was they were voting about on Thursday had gone the way they wanted too, so they were in a good mood for a change. In the morning we went out through Salisbury Road to Oxted Road and then all the way up to Church Lane and down Bay Pond path. We bumped into Angela on the way down Bay Pond path where she was feeding the swans, which was nice. I decided not to dwell on her being out with them last night, so I didn’t mention it. They did go out for about 3 hours, which was the longest I have ever been left on my own but I didn’t mind and it made it all the more fun when they came home. Apparently they had been to a business networking event, but I can’t be bothered to look that up!

This morning started well. We got up (that’s always a bonus in their case) and after a leisurely breakfast we had a lovely walk up Oxted Road and through Church Lane to Bay Pond path. When we got to the bottom of Bay Pond path we discovered that Café Connect was in full swing (funny how we just happen across these things!) and so we popped in. There were lots of people and it was all going swimmingly until there was another minor ‘incident’. It was hardly my fault! I was just being admired by this lovely lady who was stroking me and saying how handsome I am when I noticed that in her other hand she was holding a rock cake. How was I supposed to know it wasn’t for me?! Before anyone could notice a thing, I turned around, whipped it straight out of her hand and in one gulp it was gone! Apparently that wasn’t what I was supposed to do! More apologising and Daddy Richard went and got her another rock cake and I got moved, rather unceremoniously in my opinion to the edge of the room away from food or other temptation. It was all rather unsatisfactory in my opinion and so we didn’t stay too much longer and went home. Today has been so hot, I haven’t really done much else, but I think as it is beginning to cool down, I will take them out for a walk somewhere! So, for now, must paws … ????