home diary Life is like a box of chocolates …

Life is like a box of chocolates …

That’s me! Having a proper run around on Limpsfield Chart early on Saturday morning. It was already getting warm then!

Life is like a box of chocolates … and they’re all flamin’ chocolate orange – and I can’t eat chocolate and I don’t like oranges!!! I mean, I don’t like to complain but it’s been a bit of a couple of weeks. My regular fans will recall the incident of the River Mole, well it didn’t improve much after that. Firstly, there was the incident of the fisherman’s sandwich – well how was I supposed to know it wasn’t for me?! Secondly, there was the incident of the sausage – well what was I supposed to do if there were sausages on the side?! Thirdly, it got flamin’ hot. Boy oh boy, did it get hot! Last weekend was a nightmare. Saturday was horrific and I only got one walk early in the morning. That said, it was a free run over Limpsfield Chart so that wasn’t so bad, but it was so flamin’ hot it was really difficult keeping cool. I drank loads of water but that just made me want to wee a lot and that meant going outside in the heat, which made me drink loads more water which made me wee more and then I had to go outside in the heat. You get my gist!

That’s me having a drink at one of the drinking stations at the Edenbridge and Oxted Show. The water was quite nice actually – I think earlier drinkers had left their mark if you get what I mean!

On Sunday they had already decided that we would go to the Edenbridge and Oxted Show. Normally we have a luvely time there but it was just so flamin’ hot! We went early in the morning and got there just before it opened but it didn’t really help. By mid-morning the temperature was approaching the thirties which is way too hot for a dog with a fur coat on! We did walk around most of the show and I stopped off for regular drinks and even got a cooling hose down at one point but the heat was relentless and, in the end, we decided to come home. We got back to the car thingy and he wound all the windows down to let the initial heat out and put the air conditioning on full blast. It was until the air conditioning had cooled the car down (after shutting the windows again) that we jumped in … well I say we but I really mean I jumped in and they got in and sat down … and went home. When we got home I just flopped. Actually I had been doing quite a bit of flopping at the show which was one of the reasons we came home. Every time I found some shade I flopped down in it and refused to move.

I’ll get up when I decide to, not when he thinks I should!

Mind you, I have to say that flopping down and refusing to move is something I have a bit of a reputation for – I don’t know why! I think it is him that spreads these rumours. I don’t know what he’s talking about. I mean, I might have a little lay down from time to time whilst we’re out walking but who doesn’t? There some geezer called Andy who walks a massive mastiff around the village and he very rudely called out “Does you’re dog every stand up?” the other day. I reckon that gave him the rather ridiculous notion that having a lay down whilst out walking isn’t normal and isn’t what we’re supposed to do. Absolute rubbish!!! Everyone knows that whilst out for a walk is the perfect time for a quick lay down in the cool grass! He seems to be under the deluded impression that I should get up when he asks me to – I will get up when I’m good and ready, not when he wants me to! Honestly, moan! That’s all he ever does! Fortunately he has been out pretending to do that ‘work’ thing that he claims to do so I’ve been able to spend a bit of quality time with Daddy Richard. Daddy Richard understands the whole laying down bit – he often goes off for a lay down in the afternoon! Going out for a walk with Daddy Richard is a far more satisfying experience – he waits for me when I have a lay down and gives me a good tummy rub too!

Even the human with the doggie stood next to me thought I was better looking than her version of a Monty!!

On Monday it was the village fete. It was still flamin’ hot so I stayed at home in the morning when they went off to setup at the fete. There was a dog show at the fete though so obviously I went down for that. I entered the ‘Most Handsome Dog’ class at the show because obviously I am the handsomest dog in dogdom and I would, of course, win. Even some of the people watching the dog show said that same thing … he is quite obviously not greasing the right palms. I mean, I AM the handsomest dog in dogdom! The flamin’ judges must have been blind is all I can say. I mean, I came ninth … out of nine!!!! I couldn’t believe it. Even the human with the dog stood next to me thought I was better looking than her doggie – and he was called Monty too! (I don’t think his name was a shortening of names like mine though, I think it had something to do with some bloke called Monty Don – I am, of course, Montgomery Oliver Nigel Tarquin York!) I entered the ‘Best Rescue Story’ too but, even with my origins in a Welsh Puppy Farm, my initial illness, my rehoming before they realised I had a hip problem, having to then come and live with him and my three hip replacements, I didn’t win! I came second but I lost out to a dog with lungworm. Lungworm! OK, I know it’s terrible and horrible and it could kill you but when am I going to win!!! It snot fair!

That’s him helping Joan (she’s an inmate like Grandma!) out with some pâté on crackers during the quiz.

Thinking about the flopping down thing. It sort of caught me out yesterday morning. You see, we were walking up Oxted Road and I decided to have a little lay down and wait for a tummy rub. Just as I flopped down Jean, the manager at the home where Grandma lives, drove past. She thought I was not very well so she turned around and came back. When they explained that this is quite normal (for me) she reminded them that there was a quiz night at the home last night. They had forgotten but agreed to go. That resulted in me being left to look after the house for almost four hours! That wasn’t so great. I think that I’m going to have to be a bit selective about where I lay down in the future! They went out at about quarter to seven and didn’t come back until just after ten thirty! Apparently they came second in the quiz and he says they would have won if Daddy Richard had listened to him when he said the biggest of the Canary Islands is Teneriffe – well that and if they’d ever watched any films with actors playing presidents in them! I think they had a bit too much fun if you ask me! Apparently Grandma and Auntie Sue’s mum Joan helped … well sort of anyway, Grandma couldn’t hear and Joan couldn’t hear and didn’t understand the question, but otherwise they were a great help!

What do you mean “put your tongue in”? That’s what I think of those judges!!

Today they’ve both been doing that ‘cooking’ thing they try to do. He was cooking last night’s dinner (I know, but you know what he‘s like!) because they didn’t get any dinner in the end last night – they thought it was going to be over by 9pm! Apparently they’re going to have it tonight. It was the bolognese sauce for tagliatelle which they prefer to spaghetti – he says he’s not putting bolognese sauce on their www.foodthatweeat.com website because if someone needs to go to their recipe website for a bolognese sauce, they’re probably in the wrong place! I don’t know why anyone would go to his recipe website – everyone knows he‘s rubbish at that cooking thing, that’s why he has to practice so much! Daddy Richard was making his ‘award winning’ (well, it did win a prize once!) lemon curd ready for the Gardeners’ Show next weekend. I don’t think I’m going to get much of a look in next weekend either! That said, I’ve spent some good quality time with them today and I’ve just been promised a walk at Kenley Aerodrome if I get my paws together. So, life is like a box of chocolates today – full of treats and lots of fun. I’m off to Kenley so, for now, must paws … 🐾

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