home diary I woz robbed!

I woz robbed!

The flamin things I have to do for a treat! I was halfway up The Hollow!
The flamin things I have to do for a treat! I was halfway up The Hollow!

I guess I should start at the beginning. You see, last weekend was the weekend of the Edenbridge & Oxted Show – for those of my fans in other parts of the world, or even other parts of this country, the Edenbridge & Oxted Show is a country show where you can see lots of animals, lots of displays of fruit, vegetables and other plants, lots of displays of country sports and other skills and loads of stalls selling everything from crafts to clothing and from cars to tractors and everything in between – anyway, I wanted to go last year but I couldn’t go because it was only 10 days after my operation, so I was really excited when we went this year. Auntie Zena and Uncle Simon came and we all went off to the show. When we got there we found loads and loads of new things to sniff! We got just inside the entrance and there was a tent where blacksmiths were showing off things that they had made. I was going to look up why they are called blacksmiths when they work with metal but I worked it out all by myself … they were as filthy as anything and definitely black and working in all that heat they were definitely a bit pongy, so I reckon it is just humans that can’t spell again and they are really called Blacksniffs! There were loads of things to look at and sniff and there was positively tons of fresh horse poo around (as well as cow’s poo, sheep’s poo and lots of other poo … not that I got to sample it because he wouldn’t let me!)

Apparently I wasn't supposed to eat this carrot that was on display! How was I supposed to know?!
Apparently I wasn’t supposed to eat this carrot that was on display! How was I supposed to know?!

We spent a good couple of hours walking around the show and were having a really good time. They are all far too slow for me and I was having to drag them around like a dog possessed! Unfortunately, as time went on there was a little problem – it started to rain. No, I should rephrase that … it started to bucket down like you have never seen before! It was raining aunts and uncles and before very long at all we were absolutely soaked. I was really, really muddy which didn’t seem to go down well. Apparently I needed to be clean and tidy for tomorrow for some reason. It was hardly my fault. I didn’t make it rain and I didn’t make it muddy! Honestly, I get the blame for absolutely everything and it is almost never my fault. Eventually, after a small incident involving a knitted carrot that was (the was is quite important here!) on display, it was decided that the rain had become too much and so we went home. Although I was happy to go home because I really was a bit wet and muddy, I had really enjoyed the Edenbridge & Oxted Show so I hope I’ll be allowed to go back again next year. Talking of being allowed back, I still hadn’t been able to get back onto The Green after the incident with the football match, but I noticed that there was bunting and marquees going up, so I had some hopes.

I'll do my best but what on earth do you expect a dog to do to help on the stall?!
I’ll do my best but what on earth do you expect a dog to do to help on the stall?!

It turns out that Monday was the Godstone Village Fete. For my fans for places afar, villages in England often have a summer fete. This is basically a day when lots of people have stalls and sell everything from cakes to jam and burgers to honey. There are almost always second hand book stalls and almost always a tombola and a raffle. Godstone also has a Donkey Derby but if you need more information on this, I think that Google, whilst vastly inferior to Doogle that we have in the doggy world, will probably be your friend. Anyway, they had a stall. Now, I don’t like to complain but, what exactly did they expect me to do? I was told I could come and help on the stall. Doggies don’t need bookkeepers – and anyway, I am still struggling to work out why anyone would pay them just to store books!  So, there I was assisting as best I could but, frankly, apart from being the handsomest dog in dogdom, what else could I do? Ah yes, talking of being the handsomest dog in dogdom, therein lies the issue. I should have guessed it … I knew something was up when he spent hours brushing me and moaning about the dirt in my coat. He even took a brush with him to the fete.

I'll do my best but what on earth do you expect a dog to do to help on the stall?!
I woz robbed! I am the handsomest dog in dogdom and that’s official!

Apparently at these events there is often also a ‘dog show’. This is where humans embarrass both themselves and their doggies by all lining up in some silly parade for other humans to judge them. I mean … talk about a flawed concept! How in dogdom can a human be qualified to judge a dog? Anyway, it only turned out that he had entered me into the ‘handsomest dog’ class of the dog show. How embarrassing! I had to go and stand in a line with him so that I could be ‘judged’ by a human. Well … you won’t believe this … I didn’t even make the final six! I mean talk about robbed!! At first I concluded that the judges were obviously blind and simply couldn’t see that I am the handsomest dog in dogdom (and that’s official because I read it on my blog before!) but then I realised … it wasn’t that at all. It’s his fault of course – since I am the handsomest dog in dogdom they had to make it fair for the others and so they didn’t include me in the final six. He should never have entered me in the first instance because it was obvious that I would win so they had to pretend not to see me to make it fair for the other dogs!! To add insult to injury, you won’t believe what he said afterwards – he said, “Monty, it’s official, you are officially ugly!”. I mean, how could he? I will get my revenge for that one, you mark my woofs!

We all had a jolly good sniff of each other's bum. Lovely!
We all had a jolly good sniff of each other’s bum. Lovely!

All of this last week he has claimed to be working and gone out every day. This has meant some quality time spend with Daddy Richard and some time at home alone which has allowed me to catch up on pushing out some ????s. What it has also meant is that our morning walks have been even earlier than usual. On Tuesday morning we bumped into Auntie Fran who was walking the “dogs from the pub”. I’m not entirely sure what that means, but we all had a jolly good bottom sniff! I think she was pretty cream crackered after the Oxted & Edenbridge Show and then the fete on Monday (Auntie Fran cooks about a million burgers for all the visitors!). He claimed he was pretty cream crackered took but it didn’t stop him going off to do this ‘work’ thing he seems so keen on! Tuesday soon rolled into Wednesday (yep, he went off yet again and was gone all flamin day!) and then Wednesday rolled into Thursday. Those of my loyal fans that are regular readers will know that, on Thursdays, I go to see my personal therapists, Emily, Katie and Stef at Hydro Hounds for my regular wimming session. Thursday was no different but he claimed to be working at home on Thursday morning so at least he was around to take me in the car thingy for my session.

Oh for goodness sake man! I am the one that is supposed to be resting - get a move on!!
Oh for goodness sake man! I am the one that is supposed to be resting – get a move on!!

Actually, my wimming session was quite good on Thursday although my personal therapist Katie did suggest that maybe I had been slightly overdoing it and that I should rest a bit for the next day or so. Rest a bit? Is she flamin mad? There are things out there to sniff and places to visit and people to pull! We did stick to a Green Lane, Church Lane, Bay Pond Path walk which is a fairly shortish one. In the afternoon on Thursday they both went off for one of their meetings! I stayed at home and pushed out a few ????s – in fact, when they came home I was having such a lovely dream of chasing squirrels that I almost didn’t notice them coming in! Apparently their meeting had gone well, so they seemed happy. I’ve noticed that there is a direct correlation between them being happy and the number of treats or nice walks that I get – I reckon that’s something I’m going to have to keep an eye on in the future. Friday was another day of early morning walk followed by him going out all day and not returning until it was time for my evening walk. Daddy Richard took me out at lunchtime, so that was good!

Tilgate Park is great fun! I am looking forward to going back there again.
Tilgate Park is great fun! I am looking forward to going back there again.

Saturday was an interesting day! It was a lovely day and when he got back from some meeting or other where he had been telling about 200 people why the Local Plan is flawed and why they have been lied to (nope, me neither … not a Scooby [Scooby for those who’s native language is not human:English is a kind of rhyming slang way of saying that you don’t have a clue … not a Scooby {do}, not a clue!]). I don’t pretend to understand it – there is only so much a dog can take and I get far too much from him at the best of times! Anyway, back to Saturday, so it was a really nice day and just to ruin it, I got piled into the back of the car thingy and we all went off. It turned out that it wasn’t quite so bad after all. We went to this place called ‘Tilgate Park’ and I had a really rather nice time walking (well running mostly) around the lake and the park itself! I posed for so many pictures, I have added a small gallery below. I must admit that by the time we got back to the car thingy, I was absolutely cream crackered! I drank a whole bottle of water before we got back into it and I slept all the way home. In the evening we went for a quick walk around Green Lane, Church Lane and Bay Pond and then they went off and left me. They went to Uncle Kevin and Auntie Dawn’s 25th Wedding Anniversary party. I was quite happy staying at home but then, just as I was counting rabbits, the door opened and it was my bestest friend in the whole wide world, Jake! So I went to his house to play for a while before I went home again and pretended I had been there all the time.

Mud, mud, glorious mud. There's nothing quite like it for cooling the blood!
Mud, mud, glorious mud. There’s nothing quite like it for cooling the blood!

They came back from the party and, after getting a couple of really nice treats (they are chicken fillets that my Auntie Jo bought for me!), we settled down for a short while before we all went off to bed. This morning (Sunday), it turned out that it was also a nice day. After we had been for a walk, Uncle Simon came to see him about something or other (I took no notice as it clearly didn’t involve me!) and then we all got in the car thingy and went out again. This time we didn’t go to Tilgate Park, we went to Goffs Park. Goffs Park isn’t as big as Tilgate Park but it does have a lake. Daddy Richard thought it had a ‘dog dipping pool’ too but we didn’t find one and we couldn’t see one listed anywhere. I did manage to find a really soft and muddy place right next to the lake though, so not all was lost! I had a jolly good paddle about in it and then took a taste (not that tasty). Needless to say he was moaning about how he would get my coat clean and mud on the carpets at home. Honestly, there is no pleasing him sometimes! Anyway, I don’t really see why it matters – I will just rub myself over all the furniture and carpets until my coat is clean again. What’s the problem?

The train driver smiled at me, but then you would expect nothing less! I AM the handsomest dog in dogdom! End of!!!
The train driver smiled at me, but then you would expect nothing less! I AM the handsomest dog in dogdom! End of!!!

Now, I think I may have mentioned this in the past, but he’s not very bright … about as bright as the moon on a cloudy night, if you get my gist! Well, we were on our way back to the car thingy and we stopped off so that I could see the train that children go on around the park (I’m not allowed on it which is a bit of a shame!) and then I realised where we were going. I could see the car thingy in the distance so, just as I had lulled him into a false sense of security, I planted myself on the ground. I made it absolutely clear that I was not getting into that hot car thingy! He pushed a button on the remote control and all the windows opened, then another and the boot opened (that’s the trunk for some of you!), and I waited until I had decided that the car thingy had cooled down enough before I reluctantly walked to the car thingy. I couldn’t jump in because of the angle, so Daddy Richard lifted me in. The journey home was actually fine, but don’t tell him. That reminds me, some of you may recall the incident of the car remote control – as usual I got the blame! He even tried holding me against the car to see if it would open because he accused me of swallowing it … well would you Butch and Rover it, he opened a drawer earlier in the week to get a clean pair of jeans out (I may have inadvertently rubbed quite a lot of mud against them which I obviously got the blame for!) and out of the pocket of another pair of trousers dropped … they key! This afternoon I have taken my revenge with a certain degree of wind – I have been dropping pungent bottom burps all afternoon!!!! He has moved rooms several times but I have followed! Blame me!!! Flamin cheek!!! With that, I do feel the call of nature so I had better take him out for a walk (Daddy Richard has been for a snooze and I don’t think the good people of Godstone are quite ready for the sight of him walking around in his dressing gown!). So, for now, must paws … ????


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